Haven't done this in a long time ...
"54th Cracker Day is Saturday"
A day? We can't even get our own month? That's racist!
"Winter weather cancels climate change event"
Attendees are advised next time to arrive in private jets and Hummers to get the temperatures warm enough.
"Floor pooper sentenced to jail"
At least there's a toilet in the clink.
"Cal State Northridge professor charged with allegedly urinating on colleague's office door"
Hopefully he'll be in jail with the floor pooper.
"Truck Carrying Laxatives Causes Backup On Interstate"
It actually made traffic flow smoothly.
"Goodluck Jonathan Retains Nigerian Presidency"
Badluck Pete loses again.
"Lady Gaga fan recovering after dying at Nashville concert"
Nothing at a Lady Gaga show shocks me anymore.
"Otter Signs Order Banning Health Care Reform"
When you've lost the sea mammals, you've lost America. Where are the beavers on this?