Thursday, August 16, 2012

Random musings from the Godly Daddy scene

My latest from ...

- When I'm driving and my mind wanders (probably not a good idea), I think about how our child-raising experience must compare to our Biblical ancestors. For instance, did Samuel turn to his kids in the back of the five-seat chariot and tell them to "share the stone tablet or I'll turn this thing around?" Did Esther put her kids in a play saucer with dangly toys just hoping to stay occupied long enough to go wash clothes in the Jordan River?

- Before we had kids, Darling Valerie and I were already bad about overpacking for trips. Now that there are two of the little ones we have so much stuff loaded in just to go to Chick-fil-A that it looks like we're driving cross-country with the Beverly Hillbillies.

- When I was single my language was peppered with pop culture references to movies like "Anchorman" or "Monty Python and the Holy Grail." Nowadays it's all "Dora the Explorer" and "Thomas & Friends."

- Sometimes I find that when I'm talking to my kids when they're fussy, I sound like Andy Samberg during that "Saturday Night Live" skit where he plays Mark Wahlberg talking to animals: "Hey, little baby. It's good to see you. I like your little toes. What's all that crying about? We should do a film together, whaddya think? Say hi to your mother for me, okay?"

- How does a great Godly hero like Nimrod end up being a name that is used derogatorily? In Genesis 10:8-12 he's described as a "mighty hunter before the LORD" who built up great cities. Now? You call someone a "nimrod" and you'd better have your dukes up.

- Our mini Cooper is such a ball of energy. The only way to catch up to him is like how former baseball commentator and former catcher Bob Uecker describes the best way to catch a knuckleball: Wait until it stops rolling and then pick it up.

- I'm going to start a gym for only fat people. It will have a BMI limit of 30 percent. Fall below it, and you're kicked out. We wouldn't want to intimidate those folks who are on the treadmill with a 44 oz. Slushee in the cupholder, now would we?

- You're never too old to enjoy a snack of Goldfish crackers and Kool-Aid.

- DV and I have decided that to properly lose weight, we should just do what Cooper does all day and eat what he eats. We'd be exhausted and starving, but we'd lose 10 pounds a day, even by eating only chicken and fries, mac and cheese, and rice and beans with Fritos.

- I frequently regret teaching Cooper some things, such as "Ring Around the Rosies." It's neither easy nor pretty when a 36-year-old fat man has to "all fall down."

- We've been emptying warehouses to buy diapers for almost three years now. You'd think by being a part of the diaper companies' "club," we'd have enough points to buy a Volvo. Not so much. They are a little stingy with the freebies. We barely have enough to get a free Volvo key chain.

- There's something refreshing about going on vacation off the grid with no cell service or paved roads, and my grandfather's hand-drawn map includes specifics such as "country store," "sawmill," "duck pond" and "gravel road." All it was missing is to "Turn left where the old oak tree used to be" and "Look for Butch the bull by the side of the road, and turn right."

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