Thursday, July 19, 2012

Time To Go Potty!

My latest addition to GodlyDaddy.com ...

I always compare a trip through Texas to driving on a treadmill: The view never changes and it feels like you haven't gotten anywhere.

Have I mentioned that my boy Cooper has started potty training? Like, six months ago? And it's still a work in progress?

Approximately 33.4 percent of all conversations in Rushing Estate are related to what is either going or coming out of our children's bodies.

I have said the word "poop" more in the last three years than I've ever even heard used in all of my lifetime. Words like "toot" and "pee pee" are a natural part of our dialogue.

We can't be alone, am I right?

I'm guessing there were drawings discovered when Pompei was dug up that show exasperated parents slumped on the floor while a dancing toddler runs around naked with a puddle next to the hole in the ground where they are supposed to "go potty," or as they say in Latin, "deus poopoo un peepee miss un est toiletis ad nauseam."

This is Reason No. 456 why Darling Valerie rocks: She voluntarily changes dirty diapers when I just don't want my gag reflex to kick in.

I will kill bugs. I will kill snakes. I will harness the powers of the universe for time-travel, lift a car off a group of nuns and watch the same episode of "Thomas and Friends" ten times in a row, singing the theme song at full volume every time.

But when I get a whiff of a dirty diaper I hold my breath and - in that time-honored tradition - grab my child, pick him up, open the back of his pants and turn my head in amazement at the sights and smells within.

If there's brown stuff, I roll over like Indiana Jones in Raiders of the Lost Ark when he sees all the asps underground and say, "Poop, why did it have to be poop?"

Now, you're probably wondering, "What Does the Bible Say About Potty Training?"

Nothing specifically, even though you'd think in Leviticus among the six million laws there'd be something.

Not even Focus on the Family's article on potty training pulled out a verse to help, and they can find a verse about anything.

Taken completely out of context, my favorite verse about poops is 1 Corinthians 15:51: "Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed"

Besides, it's not really about the kids, because it's our job to train them up. Getting mad at a two-year-old for being hesitant to go No. 2 on a little potty shaped like a frog would be as frivolous as getting annoyed that your puppy keeps eating your slippers when you've never gotten around to training them otherwise.

The verses we need to focus on include patience and wisdom, following God's lead, such as Psalm 86:15: "But thou, O Lord, art a God full of compassion, and gracious, long suffering, and plenteous in mercy and truth."

Unless you really want to scar your children for life, then you could use Matthew 25:41: “Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels…”

But then you'll end up with either an explosion or constipation, and you'll never hear the end of it from the Godly Mommy.

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