Saturday, February 24, 2007

The hive mind

The latest quotable Vents posted in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution:

- My wife told the waiter, “I’m going to order the broiled skinless chicken breast, but I want you to bring me lasagna and garlic bread by mistake.”

- Look out, Vent Guy! My husband just headed to the bathroom with the newspaper and his Blackberry.

- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.

- Were it not for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

- The good news: The Labor Department said 100,000 jobs were created in January. The bad news: Nearly all of them were on presidential exploratory committees.

- So the Dixie Chicks are talented. So were Mata Hari, Tokyo Rose and Hanoi Jane.

- New higher mathematics office pool: Guess the number of Republican and Democratic presidential candidates plus the number of people claiming to be the father of Anna Nicole’s baby.

- Where is the FDA approved drug for side effects?

- When the Cartoon Network general manager resigned, did he fall through the Acme trap door?

- Nancy Pelosi was going to fly AirTran, but they won’t allow her to scream and stand up in her seat.

- After watching how Anna Nicole Smith flew through life, you just knew the landing was gonna be ugly.

- I call my new friend at the chemotherapy clinic Chemosabe.

- It’s been so cold outside that the flashers have started walking up and describing themselves.

- Spamarang: (n) E-mail sent to you by different people two or three times a year.

- I just read an article that said taking a nap in the afternoon decreases the risk of a heart attack by 37 percent Hey, if I take three naps every day, I could live forever!

- If man hadn’t invented trains, how would we know what a tornado sounds like?

- Maury could have this [Anna Nicole] "baby daddy" thing sewed up in an hour, including commercials.

- Little help here: I go to my friend’s house and sit down with him and his wife. Above the couch is a large portrait of the wife, fully nude. What exactly should I say?

- I’m so confused. The instructions with my reversible vest say to turn inside out before washing.

- I thought the nation’s largest gathering of idiots was on our roads and highways. Then I discovered YouTube.

- I’ve got two words for liberals who say they could run this country like a business: Air America.

- When Nancy Pelosi appointed Louisiana Rep. William Jefferson to the Homeland Security Committee, did she tell him it would be OK for him to store top secret documents in his home freezer?

- Rather than get married, about every eight years I just find a woman I don’t like and buy her a house.

- The neighborhood I live in has gotten so rough that when I went to a convenience store for milk the clerk asked, “Sir, will this be cash, check or holdup?”

- Will Anna Nicole and James Brown be buried before Britney’s hair grows out? Ladies and gentlemen, place your bets!

- It’s safe to say Jack Bauer’s father doesn’t own a “World’s Greatest Dad” T-shirt.

- The news says that a meteor could impact Earth in 2035 and cause a new Ice Age. Does that mean the global warming problem is solved and I can drive my SUV now with no guilt?

- School day dilemma: Do I dress my kids for the 110-degree bus ride or the 60-degree classroom temperatures?

- House Speaker Pelosi wants a big airplane to use in her new position. She must have gotten tired of flying on her old broom.

- I asked the Delta rep to confirm the accuracy of their “on time” sign for my flight. “You also believe in the tooth fairy, don’t you?” she replied.

- Britney is in rehab? What religious or racial group did she offend?

- Saw a sign that read ”Huge Kids Sale.” Who wants huge kids?

- I don’t drink, smoke, cuss, or chase women. About my only vice is lying.

- Al Gore recruiting hundreds of musical groups to fly around the globe to his “Live Earth” concert for Global Warming is like the American Lung Association throwing a cigar party to raise awareness of lung cancer.

- I’ve gotten my thumb reflexes trained so that the channel changes between the second syllable of “Anna” and the first syllable of “Nicole.”


My Vents:

- The Dixie Chicks weren't "redeemed" at the Grammys. A hive mind thinking alike and giving each other awards is the height of superficiality.

- Dissent is the highest form of patriotism, except when you dissent from the Dixie Chicks. (Via Mark Steyn)

- I'm guessing all the liberal venters submit via email since they're frothing at the mouth too much to speak clearly on the phone.

- You know it's windy when you pop up your drive and the ball lands behind you.

- If the Democrats won't cut funding, they're permitting men to fight in a war they think is immoral because they want to use their sacrifice to make a political point in the 2008 election. (Courtesy Right-Thinking)

- A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. (Courtesy Grif.net)

- The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. (Courtesy Grif.net)

- Do you think liberals would be so opposed to talk radio if they could actually muster one successful national show by one of their own?

2 comments:

Cyndi said...

I love those!

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Jeff said...

I'm going to post ten new 100 Things About Me, so that counts as accepting the tag!