Saturday, April 30, 2005

Thumbs up

Get that thumb out of your mouth and use it for something worthwhile, like seeing The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. I've given you 42 reasons for seeing it, so no excuses about the world ending or something similarly nonsensical.

I now pronounce you man and THERE SHE GOES!

If anything good comes from your bride-to-be taking a bus to Vegas without telling anyone and leaving you to prove that you didn't kill her, it's that John Mason can get any chick he wants. He's like George in "Seinfeld" after Susan dies, his story will check out as among the best possible to woo women. Imagine the personal ad: "SWM, Duluth, fiancee left town week of wedding, honest (passed polygraph), prominent family."

As for the runaway bride, Jennifer Wilbanks, she will have to leave the Atlanta metro area. You just don't run out (literally) to Vegas because of cold feet without letting someone know for more than three days. We're not talking a mild case of embarrassment here. If I passed her in the mall I can't say I'd go out of my way to tell her she's still a great person and what she did was understandable. I mean, the dude became a murder suspect! Should he ever talk to her again? Why?

Another thing, is there something else to all this? There has to be a movie-of-the-week in it, mixing some "90210" camp with elements of "Desperate Housewives" and "Dallas." (Runaway Bride with Julia was too obvious, but I could also throw in Spaceballs for laughs.)

Jeff-Mobile

I've been putting off making the call to set up my service with T-Mobile for the last few weeks since ordering my free Blackberry. After all, past experiences with Sprint and Verizon taught me that it could take all weekend to get it right. But this morning I sat down with the paperwork, called customer service and in approximately ten minutes I was done. By early afternoon, after seeing The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and coming back out, my service was working and I could make calls.

Even better? My phone works inside my apartment. Three bars! With Sprint my apartment might as well be made of lead for the lack of reception! Know what this means? Canceling my local phone service and spending that money instead on a high-speed connection.

Yep, Jeff has officially joined the 21st century. I mean, do you realize how many videos of half-naked women and skateboarders racking themselves on railings that I've missed?

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Even better in person

I know your skin has been crawling in antici ... pation of pictures from last weekend's Florida trip, so here ya go.

Free Jeff Probst!

I know this won't speak well of my priorities in life, but if CBS cuts "Survivor" and "CSI" in favor of President Bush's press conference, there will be hell to pay!

Well, I mean, I'll be upset. I won't actually be able to do anything about it other than complain some more.

Quality 2005 Vent-age Whine

The latest quotable Vents posted in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution (registration required):

- Why do the Cardinals get to pick the new pope? They lost the World Series!
- Scouting report: Benedict 16th has good hands but runs the 40 in 11.2 seconds.
- Why is a Catholic elected pope every time? I was hoping a Baptist would make it.
- I am surprised O.J. took time off from hunting his wife's killer to go to Johnnie Cochran's funeral.
- Love as defined by my six-year-old granddaughter: "It's when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving lotion and they go out and smell each other."
- If Michael Jackson goes to jail, will he take his umbrella-holding guy with him?
- Today’s $15 hamburgers don’t measure up to the Krystal I paid 5 cents for 60 years ago.
- Airline service has gotten so bad that when I went to the airport to steal some luggage it never arrived.
- The good news is the Braves' new orange (Sunday) uniforms can be used for game day and hunting.
- You know the pollen is bad when you can't tell your black Lab from your yellow Lab.
- Pollenesia: (noun) When you can't remember the last time you took a breath without choking on a yellow cloud.
- And here I thought May flowers brought June bugs.
- I panicked this morning when my son said, “Did you know it’s nearly impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet?”
- Why not put microchips in sexual offenders? Think of it as LoJack for LoLifes.
- I speak Yankee and hillbilly. Does that make me bilingual?
- Leave it to our government to improve the food pyramid by changing it to 12 different charts.

Vents I Sent:

- Iraq was never a threat and Social Security is fine without any changes? Liberals may not have their heads in the sand but their rear ends are definitely sticking up and flapping in the wind.
- Anyone want to bet that Bill Clinton will get more credit for his foundation’s gift of $10 million for AIDS treatment than Bush got for $15 billion in African AIDS relief?
- So the Democrats are trying to prove their strength in national security by making their rallying cry, "Don't be mean to the U.N."?
- I hope they guy who plays Michael Jackson for E!’s re-enactments didn’t practice through method acting.
- If you annoying Democrat backseat drivers don’t stop trying to turn the station and kicking my chair, the GOP will turn this car around!
- Don't try to kid yourselves, liberals, you don't mind preaching coming from the pulpit so long as it delivers the African-American vote for Democrats.
- Religion has always been part of American politics. Or did you miss the “endowed by their Creator” part of the Declaration of Independence?

American Morons

I would like to propose that anyone who voted for Scott the last five weeks of "American Idol" should be placed on a National Do-Not-Call Registry. Only, they can't vote out instead of blocking calls coming in.

Just awful. He wasn't even in the bottom three? Ridiculous.

If that doesn't work, two words: Concentration Camps.

It's not that I didn't want Constantine gone, I just think Paula wishes she had slept with hime before he got voted off.

I'm serious. That's how she looked.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Instanbul was Constantinople

Last time, Frick and Frack bemoaned that they couldn't vote off Rob and Amber from The Amazing Race, and three weeks ago I correctly predicted that based on the credit order that Lynn/Alex would get the boot.

Jeff rocks!

Yes, it's all about me. Don't like it? Stop paying the membership. Oh, right.

This week I say will be a non-elimination round, as the final four usually ends up.

x - Debbie and Bianca, a.k.a. Anti-American Bitches
Uchenna and Joyce, a.k.a. Infertile Pink Slips
x - Lynn and Alex, a.k.a. Frick and Frack, a.k.a. Happy Boys
Rob and Amber
x - Ryan and Chuck, a.k.a. Git-R-Done
x- Megan and Heidi, a.k.a. Barbie Twins
Meredith and Gretchen, a.k.a. Bait
x - Brian and Greg, a.k.a. Team Which Is Which?
x - Ray and Deana, a.k.a. Ray-san and Deana-san
x - Susan and Patrick, a.k.a. Jealous Much?
Ron and Kelly, a.k.a. All-America (And They Know It)

If somebody has to be last, barring a natural disaster or nasty case of blisters is there any doubt that Meredith and Gretchen will be dangled once again?

The teams leave northeast India, Uchenna and Joyce first to leave at 11:24 p.m. and are told to fly to ... Instanbul, Turkey? Whoa. They're turning around! The U.S. is thataway! East!

Ron and Kelly and Rob and Amber were only two minutes behind despite Uchenna and Joyce getting the fast-forward, so that's interesting.

Rob/Amber and Ron/Kelly work together to find a travel agent. along the way Ron makes a "They Might be Giants" reference of "Constantinople is Instanbul" and that just vaults him to the top of my pop culture list!

Meredith and Gretchen are barely five minutes behind, so that was a lot closer of a leg than we were led to believe.

Rob/Amber and Ron/Kelly find a 24-hour travel agent (what's next, a 24-hour grocery store? Crazy!) who tells his local stooge, er, translator, Sanjay, to get a hotel.

Meredith and Gretchen end up last at the travel agent and they all get the same flight and end up at another hotel.

Weird, all this talk of the hotel and sleeping first makes me wonder if the airport isn't so easy to get to. Rob saying "I'm so over India" isn't any more reassuring. Is someone in trouble? No. Just weird editing.

When Rob/Amber arrive, Gretchen nudges Uchenna and says "guess who just got here," as if they're best pals and she can't believe they managed to find the airport in the last twelve hours. Rob doesn't know this, which makes it all the more hilarious when he asks her if they got the "earlier" flight to Turkey with he and Amber, even though they're all together. She totally deserved the teasing.

So Gretchen relays this to Uchenna who tries to find this earlier flight, and what do you know, there might be a quicker way. Although he doesn't seem to tell his pals Meredith and Gretchen this, and Ron and Kelly happen to overhear. Rob and Amber leave Ron/Kelly, saying they're glad to separate, but this might not be a good thing.

And here's the bit from the previews that Ron and Kelly decide they won't work out, and she says he can't commit and even got out of his commitment to the Army by being a P.O.W. The thing is, I'm not sure she's kidding.

Rob looks for an earlier flight and is initially told there isn't one, but Meredith/Gretchen and Uchenna/Joyce are going through Dubai two hours earlier. Rob/Amber and Ron/Kelly are all told the same thing and end up on the second flight.

Waiting for the SECOND flight, Rob is talking trash about the other two teams on the FIRST flight, and this is his worst moment of the race. I think he's lashing out because he know he got bested on this, and is pissed. Which means the "blind leading the blind" remark is all the more sad since he's currently tied for third out of four teams. So shut up, Rob.

Meredith/Gretchen and Uchenna/Joyce land first and head for an island castle for the next clue. Two hours later, Rob/Amber and Ron/Kelly land and head for the same clue, although the latter miss the first train.

Teams must now search for the island for SPONSORED BY TRAVELOCITY gnomes to win a sweet prize at the end of the leg, then travel to Galata Kulesi tower for the next clue. The thing is, the teams aren't told that there is one gnome with a plane on the bottom, and if they carry it all the way back to the pit stop, then they get the sweet prize.

Detour! Columns or Kilos, either go to an ancient well and use coordinates for four specific columns and blah blah yikes, or weigh people on the streets up to 2500 kilograms and yeah, this was a gimme.

Uchenna/Joyce are first to get the clue and go straight for the scales. Rob and Amber are on the ferry ahead of Ron and Kelly, and Meredith and Gretchen are naming their gnome Jerome and then looking for the clue up top of the tower when it's on the bottom, and thus losing that lead by lollygagging. Nope, now they're lost, going down then back up until they see the clues on the ground.

Uchenna/Joyce are quickly done weighing people and on their way to an ancient fortress (is there any building in Turkey or India not considered ancient, a castle or sacred?).

Rob/Amber find out they're in third place and two hours back, so now they're freaking out and running fast. Rob doesn't even know what a gnome is, so good for them that Amber finds it and they're one boat ahead of Ron and Kelly the entire time.

Hey, in Turkey taxi is "taksi," so that would be easy, eh?

Uchenna and Joyce are at the fortress, and it's a Roadblock! Someone has to "storm the fortress," climbing a rope ladder to the top, grab a key and repel down to unlock the next clue. (What, no big guys with sharp objects to fight through?) This is just like last year when the teams climbed the castle in the Detour while others went on the speedboat to find the clue (Sauron did this, meaning it's forever tainted).

Apparently finding the key isn't easy, since Uchenna is slowed down for approximately thirty seconds.

Meredith and Gretchen are meandering again, trying to find the guy with the scales.

Uchenna and Joyce are on their way to an overlook for the Pit Stop, with Joyce jumping up and down upon seeing him coming and he's calling her his princess, and dang that's frickin' sweet. They're WAY in first place. But they didn't win the prize since their gnome has a car on the bottom. That doesn't seem fair. Shouldn't the first place team get the prize every time? Come on, CBS, what's the deal? Give Uchenna and Joyce some dap!

Gretchen found the scales, and she and Meredith are looking for fat Turkish men.

Uh-oh, Ron and Kelly are looking over their clue in the "taksi" and there's a close-up of their gnome in the cab. Either they're going to forget it or they have the one with the plane.

Rob and Amber get their clue first at the tower, while Ron and Kelly go to the top after someone tells them to "run up the stairs." Uh-oh, those darn lyin' Turkish passers-by! Instead of blaming that guy, they blame each other, and she goes all pouty as he says he'll play it alone.

I'm not feeling good about Meredith and Gretchen on their way to the Roadblock, what with having to climb the ladder. Rob and Amber are weighing folks now, so they're way ahead of Ron and Kelly in the Bickermobile, now all kissy-kissy making up and headed for the columns.

What? The columns? Let's see, it's dark, there are a lot of numbers and criss-crossing and grids and it's a good thing he has that Army training because that didn't look as easy as he said. That wasn't the back of Highlights kids magazine, after all.

Oh dear, Gretchen is climbing the ladder. Remember the Saturday Night Live skit, "Bad Idea Jeans" where the guys say stuff like, "Why use protection? When will I be in Haiti again?" Yeah, like that.

Oh, look, what are the odds that a commercial for Travelocity featuring gnomes would come on now. What a coincidence.

Meredith's at the bottom, all, "My guess is she's having a tough time, but she'll make it." And he's right, 'cause here she goes. They did have a lead of two hours, so it's not like they couldn't take their time, although I could do without all of her loud, annoying whining and "yipee" and talking to herself.

And they're team No. 2, but they don't have the plane on the bottom of their gnome. Gretchen admits that they have been advancing largely on the mistakes of other teams, then says this time they made it on their own, forgetting that Ron/Kelly and Rob/Amber could have just as easily made that earlier flight with some better searching back in India.

Rob climbs, Amber supports. Amber sees Ron and says, "maybe they dropped their gnome somewhere." Omen, anyone?

Ron climbs. Rob finds the key. Rob repels. Amber and Kelly exchange "heys" and that's it. Rowr. Claws, anyone? Rob unlocks their clue. Ron finds the key. Rob and Amber head out.

Rob and Amber are team No. 3, and a great edit, we see Ron still looking for the key on top of the tower one-hundred yards behind.

Rob and Amber don't have the plane, either.

Ron repels. He and Kelly run for the Pit Stop, then look really scared in last place. Of course, we all know this is a non-elimination leg and they lose all their possessions except the clothes on their backs and their passports.

I don’t know why Phil has to take their packs in non-elimination rounds as well as their money, unless he really needs some MREs from Ron's pack because you totally know he keeps them around as a reminder of Baghdad.

Ron and Kelly, of course, by my keen powers of deduction, have the $20,000 Travelocity prize, and get to spend the next twelve hours at a first-class suite at the Four Seasons. Think a former P.O.W. and beauty queen can finagle some cash and clothes there? Me too.

Next week: The final four gets real and it's time for someone to go. Uchenna helps Meredith and Gretchen at a Detour, and Racers look to be in England test-driving a double-decker bus in the Roadblock. Badly. Maybe if they had some shrunken Jamaican heads and a blind guy at the wheel who can fit tight spaces it would help.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Hello from Fenway South

Here's a tease of my pictures, from Tropicana Field on Friday night:



And this was our view from the hotel room along the Gulf Coast:



Finally, some animals seem to be blocking our exit from the Lion Country Safari:


From sun to drizzle = My post-vacation mood

Dad dropped me off at the airport at 8:30 on his way to work, and I had a near-empty concourse to drop off my suitcase, eat breakfast and read before my 9:50 flight.

Originally I was paired with a business dude in the emergency exit row until he got wise (or was intimidated by the power aura that surrounds me) and moved to an empty row so we could both enjoy plenty of arm- and legroom. I played some mini-golf and mixed some cocktails.

No, not really. I just read. And I like to type “cocktails.” I’m sorry.

When the flight landed it was before Noon, so I had plenty of time until work. Instead of hopping on the train to the terminal and baggage claim, I hoofed it like I usually do. One, I need the exercise, and two, the airport authorities have this African art between the A and T concourses that’s pretty neat and worth meandering past.

Because of this lollygagging, by the time I got to baggage claim everyone else was gone and mine was one of a few bags still circling. It looked so sad. Easy up, easy out and easily on to MARTA northbound and eventually work.

Exiting MARTA to switch trains at Five Points to the CNN Center, the girl in front of me was either bumped or had her butt grabbed by a guy getting on, and she was having none of it, making a point to push him and tell him she didn’t appreciate his actions. Well, the guy wasn’t exactly raised to respect females, because not only did he push her and yell at her, he grabbed a yellow “wet floor” cone and wielded it as if he was going to throw it at her. I looked over my shoulder for a second while walking away, and it looks like she finally went up the escalator nearby and left the scene. Wise. That dude wasn’t going to let it go, and he started it.

Perhaps it was the fight, or the siren call of the Georgia State co-eds on the trains, but I ended up boarding the eastbound train and heading the wrong direction. By the first stop I realized my flakiness, got off, re-boarded the westbound train and headed to CNN.

I probably should have realized my mistake by the “duh, duh, duuuuh!” music playing in my ear from the Lord of the Rings: Return of the King score.

Did I mention that it’s 50 degrees and raining outside, too? Which means, life? Back to normal.

Now, it’s after 2, I’ve had lunch and thankfully my fortune cookie said that “versatility is one of your outstanding traits,” or I wouldn’t have made it back to work sane.

I know what makes me happy with a quickness: The same day my paycheck went through on Friday, the IRS deposited my tax refund. Oh yeah. Good times. Drinks are on me!

But just one. Y’all can’t take advantage of me like that all the time. Bloody moochers!

Monday, April 25, 2005

Come on and safari with me

Today, a safari! I mean, we didn’t fly to Tanzania and zoom around in striped Jeeps, but it took almost as long to get there by driving over an hour north of Dad’s house to Palm Beach County and the Lion Country Safari. It’s one of those drive-thru zoos, although instead of getting cow meat to go, you get to take pictures of lions and rhinos and zebras, oh my!

This was really a scouting mission, since Dad’s looking forward to having all of us kids in Miami for Christmas and this should be something that Gabriel will love. Not just him, but everyone will be wide-eyed up close to these wild animals roaming free around the car.

Ostriches stroll up along the road, antelope and antelope-looking animals (they’re all horny deer as far as I’m concerned) cross the path just for the heck of it, and Dad even managed to get us scolded by one of the rangers when he urged me to roll down my window for a better photo of the resting lions ten feet to our right. Stacy, you might want to get a promise from Dad before starting that we won’t dangle Gabriel out the door to entice the animals for a closer photograph.

Near the end we had to stay put for a few minutes since about a dozen giraffes stood on the road blocking the gate to the exit. Dad decided his Jeep could topple the twenty-footers if he gunned it, but wisely took my advice and waited for them to part on their own. Besides, we’re there to watch these exotic creatures up close, so what’s the hurry?

The drive isn’t the only thing to do there. On the other side is Safari World, which has exhibits and rides for kids, plus a petting zoo and boat trips. For $20 it’s not a bad way to spend the afternoon, what with the exciting thrilling chance that a rhino could charge your car and kill everyone aboard. You won’t get that at South Beach! Well, everything except the rhino part, that is.

Buying some peanuts and Cracker Jack

We got back in Miami after three days of sand, surf and baseball in St. Petersburg. The Sox lost the first two but won Sunday in a fight-filled game, so it was fun and left us smiling during the four-hour drive along 75 south where even Cracker Barrels in the peninsula of Florida are filled with John Deere-trucker-hat-wearing country folk.

I know it's wrong, I know it's "ungentlemanly," but daggumit if it wasn't electric under the dome of Tropicana Field when David Ortiz's tower was buzzed and a melee / brouhaha / donnybrook / fracas broke out. Just thirty seconds before we saw Manny Ramirez get a ball thrown behind him, then he hit a homer, so the Sox fans were juiced. Didn't hurt that more than 50 percent of the 30,000-plus fans for the three-game set were rooting for the defending champs. When Jay Payton hit a grand slam an inning later you would have thought the Green Monster was shaking due to the cheers of the faithful.

And yes, I'm totally ignoring the first two painful games. Never happened. Hear me? Never. Happened. Sure the Sox blanked Baltimore in Baltimore Wednesday and Thursday. But I saw them lose to Tampa Bay in person Friday and Saturday, thus I was disappointed and freaking out.

Know reason No. 4,455 I love about being part of Red Sox Nation? That Sox fans arrive early and stay late. All three games there was a line of Sox fans over a half-hour before the gates opened (two hours before game time), and the only time Rays fans made a peep was to boo when the "Let's go Red Sox!" fans started up (oh, about every other pitch.)

For fellow Red Sox fans unable to get to Fenway Park this season, in case you’re wondering about our team, the most popular player is captain Jason Varitek. The most polarizing is Manny Ramirez. Just as Sox fans go ballistic when he steps up to bat or makes a routine catch in left field, the Tampa fans would hiss. As for Varitek, several fans risked being tossed out (or at least a very stern warning from the security guy) just to get close to the field and take his picture as he was warming up.

Since I’m not talking about Friday or Saturday’s games, I will discuss how the local officials dispurse (or at least, fail to dispurse) the crowds afterwards.

Apparently the St. Petersburg Police have never seen more than 600 people at a Devil Rays game, because their traffic “flow” was anything but. Basically the idea was to follow the world of Mad Max flicks, block off several lanes of streets, forcing us to fight to the death to squeeze out of the area of Tropicana Field.

Don’t tell Dad, but I was driving in circles on purpose just so he could get in more verbal shots at the traffic cops dunces.

Reason No. 275 why baseball is a superior spectator sport than the other major sporting events: Try keeping score at a hockey/basketball/football game. You wouldn’t even know where to start. Yet, in baseball it’s the first thing a parent teaches their kids at their first game. Then by the second game, the children are ready to learn about slugging percentage and OPS.

Hooray to Dad for picking the Hilton in North Redington Beach as our base for the weekend, on the Gulf Coast side of St. Petersburg ten miles west of Tropicana Field. On the way to Saturday’s game I kept thinking, why are my ear lobes hot? Then I realized, oh yeah, we were sitting on the deck of the hotel for two hours drinking and ogling. This is my first serious sun of the spring, the base burn for the rest of the summer, cultivated by golf for the proper uneven tan.

Our seats for all three games were in section 127 along the third base side by the bullpen in left field. There was a slight difference in that one day we sat on the far left of the section, the next the far right, and the final game smack dab in the middle, so neither of us dared venture out to the concessions or restroom.

They say that “all politics is personal.” Well, in that case, “all fans are Red Sox fans.” Behind us, rooting for Boston. In front of us, rooting for Boston. Beside us, rooting for Boston. Everyone’s rooting for Boston!

On a total random note that has nothing to do with the above, sometimes you have to wonder who's out to get you. On the way out of town Friday morning we stopped at CVS for assorted goods. I forgot all three of my inhalers at home, so I needed one for the trip and for Dad’s place, so I bought the over-the-counter Primatine Mist. When I opened it, however, there was the part that holds the actual mist, but there wasn’t the part that I put in my mouth to activate the inhaler. How often does this happen, once in a million boxes?

I’m flying back to Atlanta tomorrow morning in time for work, so I’ll hopefully post pictures later this week. Because I seek to make you jealous, and that makes me happy.

Right now, today is Dad’s birthday so I’m going to tar and feather him amid whatever ritual restaurants do these days. No, not really.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Let the sun shine

So far, so easy breezy for Jeff in Florida, where drivers make Atlantans look crazy (whoa), bugs hold homeowners hostage for smokes and H2s and women are manufactured with bodies that God just don’t hand out for free.

Want to know about ethnicity in Miami? How about this: In the bathroom at the restaurant tonight there were signs posted in English and Spanish. English was on the bottom. This in a Japanese restaurant.

Backing up (stop beeping), let’s go back to the beginning. How’d I get here? Let’s review:

- Parked my car at the CNN Center as per usual when I’m flying out of town (on airplanes, in case you were confused). Walked to the train station, sweating. Waiting for train. Sweating. On train. Sweating. At Delta check-in kiosk. Sweating. Walking to gate A1. Sweating. Sense a pattern here? You’d think I was wearing a flannel sweatshirt with a comforter wrapped around my legs. When the temperature gets above 60, my body reacts by unleashing all 70 percent of water from my body out every pore.

- I was two-and-a-half hours early for my flight, so I had plenty of time to relax at the airport. You business folks who spend money on Crown Clubs, pshaw. I found a place where I can have a seat in my own private booth, read the paper and take my time. I call it the Throne Club.

- Next to the gate was a bar/restaurant showing the Cubs/Cardinals game, so I took a seat in a booth and kicked back while overpaying for potato skins. Even still, wearing my Red Sox cap (the reason for the trip, remember), I got booed. Good-naturedly, of course. Damn Yanks fans are everywhere. At least I performed a public good (One per day is my motto! But I get to choose what’s considered “good.” And “public,” for the matter. This includes shaking the vending machine to shake loose the oatmeal cream pie.). A mother traveling alone with her toddler daughter was trying to walk more than ten feet without her little girl fussing, and didn’t see the girl drop her stuffed bunny. Thus I got her attention and pointed this out and sat back waiting to die and go straight to heaven for such goodness.

- In fact, there were a lot of brave parents traveling with very small children. If there was just one parent, it was always the mother. I don’t know what this means. Either women aren’t smart enough to pay some homeless guy to help carry the stroller and diaper bag, or men are wimps.

- Sitting in the airport, enjoying the ambiance, I think, “Why don’t I fly more often?” I get my answer when it’s time to sit in the plane. Well, “sit” doesn’t quite fit. Neither do I. Squeeze is more appropriate, requiring three stewardesses, a crane and seven sticks of butter. Not helping is that there are all these controls on the armrest jutting out, thus making the seat about ten inches across. If you’re not an anorexic woman less than five-feet-three inches tall, you know what I mean.

- In fact, just getting my pen out to write jot down such important ideas as “Jeff loves Lindsay Lohan” was an undertaking worthy of a Papal prayer. I thought about asking the really hot latin chick next to me for help, but I’m pretty sure she would have taken it the wrong way when I asked her to “grab the pen in my pocket.” Eventually I had to separate my shoulder a la Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon.

- I would listen to the TV program, but as I said before the seats are really, really, really tight. My right leg is pressed hard against the control panel, so there’s no getting a pair of headphones in there. Also, my leg is always pressed against the recline button, so with every movement my chair goes back and up, and I’m pretty sure the person behind me thinks I’m a Jehovah’s Witness praying or something.

- As always, I paid full attention to the safety demonstration by the stewardesses. No, not really. That’s a lie. Heck, I’m on the emergency exit row sitting next to the window/door. I’m first out, baby! All you schmucks behind me can figure out how those yellow cups work dangling from the ceiling! I mean, of course I’ll assist with evacuation after opening the door to the doomed plane, probably mid-flight because I would rather be falling free than trapped in that mini-seat, even with the chance of making out with La Hottie Senorita beside me. I’ll die, but I’ll die as a hero. Except the passenger manifest will be incorrect and the dude behind me will get all the credit. Delta bastards, taking my glory to the end.

- What do you want next, a bag-of-small-peanuts joke?

- Once in the air, it’s time to freak out. Did I lock my apartment? Did I leave the gas on with a candle burning, and when did I get gas? Did I turn off the lights in my car? Why would they be on at 11 a.m.? Did I delete all the porn from my computer in case we crash? Okay, it’s all white outside the window. Either we’re in the clouds or in heaven. Considering the previous sentence, the latter is doubtful.

- Someone already did the crossword in my Sky magazine! Darn you, unknown passenger! Oh, wait, I get to talk to Madam Sexy next to me to ask to use her magazine. She said yes! She totally wants me. Look, I’m smart, I got at least six of them correct!

- Did I mention that the woman next to me was smokin’? I hope everyone else who passed our row thinks we’re married, or at least having wild, um, make out sessions.

- I should stop now. This is getting pretty sad. And gross.

- I should add, I'm on Dad's new freakin' sweet computer using a zooming DSL connection in his wicked office area (all glass tops and the big TV ten feet away in a big comfy chair), printing super-fast on his printer / copier / scanner / air traffic control device.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Blogging will be light the next several days (What's new? - ed.), because tomorrow afternoon I'm flying to Miami. From there, Dad and I will drive to St. Pete for the Red Sox - D'Rays series over the weekend. We'll drive back on Sunday, hang out Monday, and I'll fly back Tuesday in time for work.

Cinco de Jeffro

Stealing from High Fidelity, it’s time for the first of Jeff’s Top Fives. Tonight we rank my favorite secular concerts:

1) R.E.M. – Stephanie, Stacy and Joe drove down for this one, held here in Atlanta at the Chastain Amphitheater. We sat towards the back but enjoyed the music just as much, sitting down on the grass and enjoying a late-summer evening. They played just enough of their earlier (and better) songs to keep the audience from revolting against their late-90s headache-inducing shtick.

2) The Cure – I was a lukewarm fan, but during college I drove up to Nashville for this show at the amphitheater with Stephanie, Stacy and Joe, and had a great time. The kind of concert where I went out and bought several more of their albums as a result.

3) Def Leppard – My first concert ever, at the Mid-South Coliseum. I was in tow with big bro Scott. I don’t remember much other than it was loud and the drummer was awesome considering he was one-handed.

4) Air Supply – Don’t judge me! They have some good songs, and you know it! Besides, it was high school and I was impressionable, and Scott and Amy and Melanie Calhoun were going (plus others, but I forget who), so how could I turn that down? This was also my only time to see a concert the Mud Island Amphitheater. If you’re near the stage it’s like any other, but towards the back you get a great view of downtown by the Miss’ippi River.

5) Poison – Big hair bands were cool in my junior high days, but that doesn’t explain the Monster Ballads CD in the CD case in my car. I went to this one because Stacy and Stephanie won free tickets via the radio, so Dad bought me one to tag along and watch over them. I sat one section over, but in the wrong seat initially, because this couple came over after the concert started and asked me to move. I stood on my pinch-rolled jeans and strolled over to my correct seat, and for some reason even though I was way in the back of the Coliseum I stood for much of the concert even as many others weren’t. What a dork.

I’m pretty sure that this is the entirety of the secular concerts I have attended. There are several “lost” years where I went to nothing but Contemporary Christian concerts. We’ll get to those later.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Last train to cameltown

Last time out, the teams were full of sound and fury, signifying Philstration, the idea that you can jump through a dozen hoops and end up right where you started at the mat. No elimination, no last-place penalty, just “keep going.”

Oh, sure, the old folks fell behind, but I think we all know there is a bunch coming.

Rob and Amber get the clue, telling them to go to the train station and await the next clue at platform 2.

Frick and Frack (as Rob called them in South America) are more upset than anyone else, especially since they could have seen the old folks eliminated. Ha!

What a shock, the train doesn't board for several hours and they're all waiting together. DRINK!

During the rest, Joyce notes the alliance between Rob/Amber and Ron/Kelly, then says the former will just stab their friends in the back to win the race. Uh, Miss High-and-Mighty, you and your hubby had better believe in that too, because this is a RACE. Frick and Frack would do the same to you despite your mini-alliance, so get real.

At 1 a.m. this creepy guy provides the clue, which tells them they'll be on the train 24 hours, during which the gay guys bemoan the lack of skin care products. I have no joke for this.

Off the train, the next clue is to find a clock tower and climb. Using stairs, I mean, not like Spider-Man.

Shock! More waiting, for the clock to open. DRINK!

Meanwhile, it's a big wedding outside. Party video commences.

And they climb!

The second fast-forward is up top, but requires a head-shaving that isn't revealed until they arrive, which sucks for teams with women.

On the levels of Amazing Race Suckitude Scale, that’s pretty high. A nine, even. Right above “your wife leaves you for Phil” and below “your husband leaves you for Phil.”

For those staying, it is Detour time! Their tasks: trunk or dunk. Get a 600-pound elephant to a temple or dye sheets until a clue is found. No one feels like doing laundry.

Uchenna and Joyce and Frick and Frack head for the fast-forward. The other three go for the elephants.

For some reason, Gretchen hops on the elephant like she's Cleopatra. Way to read the clue. Then she's moaning very annoyingly (which translates in any language and explains why the locals are staying away) that they have a “bad elephant,” and no, just a bad Racer.

The teams finally cajole locals to push, while Uchenna and Joyce sadly drive to her hair doom. On the way, she says she hopes it's not that, but she doesn't say she wouldn't do it. Hmm.

The next clue for the pachyderm four says to travel by auto rickshaw to a farm used for a local festival, which I hope is the Indian equivalent of the RC Cola and Moonpie festival.

Meredith is actually in the way with Gretchen still yelling push as if it helps. Lucky for her, he wasn't upset, telling her she “had a good ride.” Heh. Okay, so after busting her noggin in the cave she gets a freebie.

Roadblock! A team member has to race camels chariot style, and if you win you're granted freedom and citizenship as a Roman. Or is that Ben-Hur?

Back at the head-shaving, Uchenna's is already shaved, so this is all about Joyce. At first Joyce is all “let's go!” when she finds out and HECK YEAH! You go! Of course, when it starts, she starts crying and yeah, that looks traumatic to lose all that hair. I officially hope they win.

Amber's camel? Not happy. The most cameling camel since they came to cameltown. Meredith's? Lying down on the job.

Joyce? Prettier than ever. She has the sexy Star Trek The Motion Picture chick thing going on.

She and Uchenna are off to the pit stop, an ancient tomb called Jaswant Thada, on top of a big hill in India, which is on the other side of the world and stuff. Really, it's on all the maps. If you go there, make fun of Chris Columbus because somehow he couldn't manage to make it that far, what with a land mass in the way in the Atlantic Ocean.

Kelly wins the cameltown races. Running, Kelly says that it “hurt (her) bottom so bad” but was so much fun. Isn't it always the way?

Amber's camel turns around at the finish, but they're second to leave nonetheless. I would have wanted to spend more time with her too, so good for the camel.

Lynn/Alex are next, and as usual the old folks are in the rear again. The former helps out by hopping off at the wrong ancient place. I bet that gets confusing, like last week when Rob mistook a palace for Taj Mahal and told Amber he'd build her something prettier.

Uchenna/Joyce arrive in first. Good for them. If they had still lost despite her shaving her frackin' head, I don't think I'd be the only one to storm the castle, complete with torches. Well, tiki torches, at least. Hey, they singe!

Teams two and three are Ron/Kelly and Rob/Amber in that order, albeit milliseconds apart.

Frick and Frack lost a lot of time, so that the old folks are fourth and my dream is true with four teams I like in the last four. That's fourtastic!

Good riddance, Lynn/Alex. Guess what? Rob and Amber survived longer! Ha! Talk trash now! (Jeff victory dance.)

Next week: Kelly goes at Ron again, even though he has been good lately. Now we wonder if she has problems. Oh, and as usual, the first episode of the final four will end up being non-elimination. Just sayin'.

Me and Simon vs. the world

70s dance? Really, that's the theme? Oh my. Maybe they can try out polka next week. Punk after that?

Constantine - Sure, he was okay, but I think Paula needs to change her drawers. Ew. Calm down, girlfriend.

Carrie brought out the big hair again, and she's trying to lower expectations in her pre-song video, but hey, she's all the more adorable, right? Maybe not. The song wasn't the best choice, and sounded flat.

America, you are to blame for Scott's continued performances. Why he has stuck around the last two weeks, as his vocals have decreased faster than his credibility in domestic matters, is a really odd occurrence. His singing didn't get any better this week, and once again, he should go. But he won't, because he has a pact with Satan. I doubt even House could figure this one out.

Anthony's still here? Wow, how'd that happen? There was some off-key wailing going on while he sang, and I'm pretty sure it came out of his mouth.

(By the way, the last two shows I just fast-forward past Randy and Paula since they're drunk and deaf this year, and go straight to Simon, because he's still in it for the competition and not the celebrity.)

Vonzell can't dance, y'all. Sure, she looks great doing it, but wow, who would have figured? I have to say, her singing wasn't as good this week as the past few, either. I think the focus on movement (like shaking those shapely hips) cooled her off a notch.

Anwar, I know, is so likable and cuddly and all that, but he couldn't sing his way out of a tin can tonight. Several notes pinged off the stage, even if he did, like usual, get better as he went.

Singing last is Bo, because the American Idol producers know he'll be more likely to stick around if the audience has him fresh in their memories, and we all want him to stick around. That he got fewer votes than Scott last week is scary and awkward. I need a hug.

Welcome to the tribulations. Try the veal.

Well, darn it. According to this month's Lark News, all but two people in the world missed the Rapture. Such a shame, what with all those people with bumper stickers saying “In case of Rapture, this vehicle will be empty" that ultimately meant nothing.

Healthy sense of timing

Since I'm such a student of history and always take note of moments that will resonate throughout history, I would just like to write for posterity that when Cardinal Ratzinger Pope Benedict XVI was announced to the crowd, I was working out at the gym on the eliptical crosstrainer while reading Television Without Pity's write-up of last week's Amazing Race episode.


UPDATE: Speaking of important dates in history, today is tennis super-babe Maria Sharapova's 18th birthday.

Monday, April 18, 2005

I got the Fever, and it says "more cowbell!"

Sorry for the lack of posting at my personal Conclave Cavalcade. Mondays will be sparse until September, since I’m the commissioner of two rotisserie baseball leagues, and Mondays are when I write my weekly recaps and update the stats.

I just noticed that my last four posts (including this one) have involved the Red Sox somehow. Either I’m amped about the trip to Tampa this weekend for the Boston-D’Rays series, or I’m obsessed. But I’m not as obsessed as Jimmy Fallon. I think. Let’s go to the tape, and watch Fever Pitch.

Speaking of Patriots Day (below), a joke for my Texan brother and sis-in-law:

A Texan, trying to impress a Bostonian with tales about the heroes of the Alamo, said, "I'll bet you never had anyone so brave around Boston."

"Ever hear of Paul Revere?" asked the Bostonian.

"Paul Revere?" said the Texan. "Isn't he the guy who saw the enemy and ran for help?"

(Courtesy Grif.net.)

Breakfast at Fenway

I may have a problem. It's 11 a.m. and I'm already at work, three hours early, to watch the annual Red Sox morning outing for Patriots Day. Not that I care, but the first step is admitting the problem.

Sunday, April 17, 2005

Nothing taxing about the weekend

So, how's it going? Good, good. Did you have a good weekend? That's cool. Glad that, uh, "thing" is going away. It was barely noticeable, I swear.

What's that? Oh, I'm fine, thanks for asking. Nothing much going on. Boring weekend, really. Got out to play golf this morning, then spent the afternoon watching the Red Sox game at the sports bar, then Sahara. Saturday I spent the afternoon watching Fever Pitch, then at night at the sports bar watching the Red Sox win.

The best news, actually, comes from Louisville, where Stephanie got the tickets for us, Stacy and Mom in June for "Les Miserables." I've been once before, but can you get too much "Les Mis"? Doubtful.

In the mood, I even pulled out my tenth-anniversary concert DVD before going to bed. Oh, Eponine, why can't I meet you in real life?

Or would that explain why I'm 29 and single?

I hope y'all finished your taxes Friday. We had on our air a stat that it takes the average American 27 hours to do their taxes. Since it took me less than two, I apologize to whomever made up my shortfall with a 50-hour marathon of numbers.

Friday, April 15, 2005

Red Sox and dang Yanks need to go their separate ways

After last night’s Fracas at Fenway, I’m with Boston.com’s Eric Wilbur: Just get the damn Yankees out of Boston and can the Sox please play someone else for a change?

I don’t even know where to start assigning blame for last night’s eighth inning scuffle between Gary Sheffield and the fan. The latter should have been tossed out for interference, but I seriously doubt he was trying to strike Sheffield in any way. The former should at least get a game off for pushing the fan, but who would react any differently when they feel someone took a blow at them? Sheffield’s the player on the field, after all, and he did refrain from taking a punch, so maybe he is off the ‘roids now. The fan isn't getting much support from the Boston faithful, and won't from me, either.

What's really sad is that the entire series was exciting and worthy of postseason play. The Red Sox won two of three, including the home opener in which they got their World Series rings, and last night in which they ripped the Big Unit for five runs. Off the field, A-Rod even scored points for saving a boy's life when the kid almost walked in front of a truck.

In the end, then, can we just let this rest and move on to the next 150 games of the season? Sheesh. I’ve never been so happy to see the Devil Rays as the next opponent. Plus, Monday is Patriots Day, meaning the Red Sox game is at 11 a.m. EDT, so I can head to the bar real early, eat nachos and watch a ballgame before work. Good times.

The daily struggle

Today’s fortune cookie: “You constantly struggle for self-improvement.”

I don’t know about that, but I’m great at pointing out areas for others’ self-improvement.

As for my own life, if by “constantly struggle” you mean, “sitting on the couch watching the Top Gun special edition DVD while eating nachos and cheese dip and thinking about how to stalk the cute producer who works evenings,” then yeah. I’m all about making myself better.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

I want my Jeff TV

The general rule of thumb regarding blogs is to write about what you know best, which is why you won't see many posts about, say, church history or raising children. So you can guess I'm rapt with attention when USA Today has its annual Save Your Favorite TV Shows feature. This year there aren’t many shows on the bubble worth saving. At least, few that I watch, and that says a lot considering how deep the butt groove is on my loveseat. Let’s run down their list and include my own:

ABC
Blind Justice - Have you heard that he’s blind? Because they never bring that up. Don’t care.
Less Than Perfect - Rarely seen it, but the chance to see the adorable Sara Rue around is worth saving.
8 Simple Rules - Peggy Bundy and the rest already had to deal with John Ritter’s death, let them stick around.
Eyes - Save Tim Daly! Besides, I haven’t seen it, but might by next season, like how I didn’t watch NYPD Blue until a few years in and never missed a show for the rest of its exceptional run.

CBS
Listen Up - I saw the pilot, and it was wretched. You save it, because I won’t.
Joan of Arcadia - People seem to like it, but I never gave it a shot. God didn’t tell me to, unless he’s the voiceover guy for CBS.
Judging Amy - Might be good, might not. I don’t want to judge, after all.
Yes, Dear - Drop, if only to get rid of the stupid promos.

Fox
Life on a Stick - If dropping this will save Arrested Development and Quintuplets, then bite it off, Fox!
Bernie Mac - Who doesn’t love Bernie Mac? If you don’t, then you’re a Commie. There, I said it.
Arrested Development - Why aren’t you watching this gem? It’s got Jason Bateman, for goodness’ sake!
Quintuplets - I think Andy Richter Controls the Universe was brilliant, but I’ll take what I can get of Andy.

NBC
Will & Grace - Run. Its. Course. How many shows can revolve around Jack being super fabulously gay and the chick from the M&M ads being rude to her maid?
Committed - Don’t care. It’s on opposite CSI.
The Office - Stacy and Stephanie like it, so keep it. (Now shower me with affection as the lovable big brother. Now!)

UPN
Kevin Hill - Kevin Who?
All of Us - All of who?

WB
Jack & Bobby - The only shows I’ve read about involve the writers’ liberal bent, so there’s a career for them when The West Wing retires.
Summerland - I don’t care which season it is, I never heard of it. Bring back Buffy and Angel!

Elsewhere, to my consternation Medical Investigation went the way of Boomtown, Dragnet, Keen Eddie, Firefly and Robbery Homicide Division as shows that were excellent but floundered in terrible Friday and Saturday night spots.

If you want comedy, a show you probably never heard of but I watch religiously is Aqua Teen Hunger Force on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim late-night lineup. I also recently discovered SeaLab 2021, which is even funnier. Or stick with Family Guy and Futurama, reliable favorites.

Unfortunately I’m not sad at all to see Star Trek Enterprise get the boot from UPN. Fortunately I can still get my sci-fi fix with the best new show of the season, fittingly on the Sci-Fi Network, the new Battlestar Galactica. The original was good campy fun, but this re-imagined version hits all the right notes of science-fiction within the more important drama, action, well-written dialogue and likable characters. I love Mary McDonnell (Sneakers) as the new president, but still pissed that Starbuck is now a chick. A bitch, at that.

The next best new show is Lost, a show that proves television can still be original after all these years of retreads (seriously, how many medical dramas and Law & Orders can there be?).

In the world of reality shows, I’ve been as addicted as ever to great seasons of The Amazing Race, American Idol and Survivor, but I quit watching MTV’s Real World/Road Rules Challenge. The contestants are too drunk, too slutty, too bratty, too annoying and too young for me anymore. It’s the end of an era.

Disappointments include Scrubs, which isn’t as funny this season, and Monk, which took a hit when Sharona left the show. Not just that, but the cases are so obvious that I’m figuring out the key before the opening credits. It’s either dumbed down or I’m all the more brilliant.

In the sports world, I’m glad the Golf Channel made their third Big Break with women vying for four spots in LPGA tournaments. When it’s just men it can get boring because disagreements are fewer and there’s less emotion. With the ladies the cattiness between a few of them has been priceless (that Danielle is a real bitch), but they also cry and shake and emote every five seconds and that makes for good TV.

Too many Americans worshipping wrong Idol

No one else is willing to say it, but I will, anyone who votes for Scott Savol on "American Idol" is a self-loathing moron. You deserve to let him get a few punches at your face like his arrest record, and a few punches to your ear because you can't tell that he sings like a banshee getting its balls cut off.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Haphazard ruminations

- Salary.com came up with what they say are the world’s sexiest jobs, and surprisingly, technical director of a cable news network isn’t on there. Come on, this is a much sexier job than event planner! Heck, that and interior designer aren’t even for straight people, so how do they count? Watch me shake my booty while switching the show!

- Who ya got in the Pope bracket? It's a little unfair that the two best, Ratzinger and Schoenborn, may have to face off in the Ecumenical Eight.

- Am I the only one who finds it sad that the Cliffs Notes site has a poll asking students which shows have “jumped the shark?” First, turn off the TV and read the entire book you lazy kids, and second, jumped the shark has jumped the shark, it’s so old and over-used.

- Who Jeff is madly in love with at this moment: Katherine Jenkins, a 24-year-old Welsh mezzo-soprano goddess.

- John Kerry, who was three million votes from being the next president, would rather focus on what sucks about this country. Nothing new, but apparent when he’s soliciting requests for stories about how military families have suffered from, you know, serving their country. (Link courtesy Vodkapundit.)

UPDATE: By the way, I totally stole the Pope bracket link from Jenn M..

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Surrounded by Indians, and not a chief among them

Last time on The Amazing Race 7, Brian and Greg weren’t exactly Sherlock and Dr. Watson while wandering around a water tower (heck, you don't even have to be Encyclopedia Brown), so they got the boot.

By the way, Brian and Greg really should have been called Team Which Is Which? because I have no idea who is who, and now it’s too late, so that makes me sad.

Let's take a look at who's gone and who's left, and based on the order of the credits as is listed I'm going out on a limb and saying that Lynn and Alex are next to go, and if it's true, might I get in a quick Yipee!? But CBS hates me, so it will be a non-elimination round, I'm predicting.

x - Debbie and Bianca, a.k.a. Anti-American Bitches
Uchenna and Joyce, a.k.a. Infertile Pink Slips
Lynn and Alex, a.k.a. Happy Boys
Rob and Amber
x - Ryan and Chuck, a.k.a. Git-R-Done
x- Megan and Heidi, a.k.a. Barbie Twins
Meredith and Gretchen, a.k.a. Bait
x - Brian and Greg, a.k.a. Team Which Is Which?
x - Ray and Deana, a.k.a. Ray-san and Deana-san
x - Susan and Patrick, a.k.a. Jealous Much?
Ron and Kelly, a.k.a. All-America (And They Know It)

We're in Africa, and it's flat, there are a lot of animals who escaped from the zoo and smiling locals.

12:45 a.m. - Rob and Amber depart first, and are told they're flying 5,000 miles to Lucknow, India, which apparently has a lot of traffic, monkeys, women in black robes and cattle roaming freely.

The first clue is at a religious place to arrange a trip to Mumbai, but to Lucknow, after leaving on a charter flight from Botswana, and you got all that?

I'm really hoping to fit in a LucknowOrNever joke, so hang with me, okay?

You know the Amazing Race I want to see? One without the mandatory twelve-hour rests at the Pit Stops. Let the teams check in on the mat, confirm they’re still in it, then immediately get the next clue and go. Besides, they’re always getting stuck at airports and spending time on buses and in taxis, so there’s plenty of time to sleep.

Second to leave, bickering Ron and bickering Kelly, who say they're trying to get over their spats and communicate better.

At 2:08 a.m., Uchenna and Joyce get their instructions, and are just so harmonious and happy about walking in the rain, I want to give them a hug.

3 a.m., Lynn and Alex leave, and talk about getting closer through adversity, "adversity" meaning "chasing Rob and Amber." I finally figured it out, that Lynn is the fat one and the one who says all the mean, bigoted statements, while Alex just follows.

At 3:45, Meredith and Gretchen, just happy to still be around.

Oh, look, everyone's on the same charter flight. DRINK!

The teams are stuck at the Francistown, so while Lynn/Alex and Uchenna/Joyce and Meredith/Gretchen are using a cell phone outside to call a travel agent, Rob/Amber and Ron/Kelly are arranging flights with the agent at the desk. Um, for some reason the folks outside are upset that Rob and Ron are doing this, when they're just trying to make the same arrangements? So stop bitching.

When the lady asks what to do if the outside teams complain, Rob says he'll take the blame, and that's why he's a gem.

All this hanging around the airport, plenty of time for the teams to talk. Ron/Kelly don't want to be seen as Rob/Amber's pals, and Rob/Amber just want to win, already. Lynn/Alex tell Meredith/Gretchen they want to be in the finals with them. Really, last week you said they were stupid, so up yours.

Rob/Amber and Ron/Kelly hop straight from the flight from Botswana in Mumbai to Delhi and Lucknow, while the other three teams are on a later flight.

In the taxis, Ron makes a "looks like bombed-out Baghdad" reference again, which is just not a surprise anymore. Somehow I think he'd find a way to fit in a "these rooms at the Hilton have bathrooms the size of my cell when I was a POW in Iraq" reference if he could.

Now it's time for the annual "India is crowded, poor and unsettling" segment of The Amazing Race.

Back at the airport, the other three teams are haggling for taxis, but not well. There are a lot of fingers being held up, and I'm not sure any of it translates. Meanwhile, Uchenna/Joyce do it right and are off ahead.

Rob and Amber are first to the palace, put on the customary respectful headdress, Rob tells Amber he'd build her something twice as nice, and really, aww.

Ron/Kelly aren't far back, as the next clue tells them to take a horse-drawn carriage to a Steel Emporium, and warning, the second of three Yields is ahead. Rob says Ron and Kelly should, but I think we all know they won't.

Heh. Turns out it's just the women who have to wear the headdress, so Rob was just going for fashion, I guess. Don't worry, Rob, you looked fabulous! Johnny Damon would be proud.

On the carriage, Alex worries that Rob/Amber could Yield them, but I don't think it crossed his mind. Rob convinces Ron and Kelly not to use the Yield, which is hilarious, since Ron and Kelly were thinking of using it for someone else.

Roadblock! A player has to search lots of silver boxes until finding one with a clue. The women figure out it's one for them, being non-physical and all, so it's like unlocking the keys from last season's final three that was all about luck.

Speaking of, Amber finds one first. Now they take a cycle rickshaw to Aishbagh, which is Indian for "you're not going anywhere soon in this sea of people."

Back at the Roadblock, Kelly finds a clue before the last three teams arrive. Nobody Yields anyone, so all that explanation by Phil meant zip.

Alex almost immediately finds a clue, so they're now in third. Uchenna gets his, while Gretchen doesn't even bother opening boxes. She's just saying "oh no" while walking around. Open the freakin' boxes! It doesn't take long for her to get "exasperated," meaning she's going to have that backpack she bought at the airport six hours ago taken by Phil if this is another non-elimination round.

Could be worse, Gretchen could be attacked by killer locusts. First, she finds a clue in the biggest box on the bottom, then a helpful local tags along.

Awesome, as Ron/Kelly pass a cow, the editor throws in some mooing! Hey, that's what I do when I drive by cows, too!

Under a bridge is the Detour! Deliver "solid," smashing coal to fill up sacks weighing 175 pounds, then use a tricycle for transport. In "liquid," go three miles, push a tea cart down the street and serve five employees at a random building, then return the cart. Oy. None of the teams are full of muscle, so that might not be smart. The tea, however, is confusing to describe, but not to execute, which everyone does.

Kelly's bitching that they should get a taxi, when traffic for everyone is stop-and-go, so why is a taxi an advantage over a rickshaw? Then Lynn and Alex have the same argument, though unlike Kelly they don't complain about it, I think Kelly just didn't want to be outside where people could, you know, see her and stuff. Because it's dirty, and they're poor.

Rob and Amber, then Ron and Kelly close behind, get their tea and wheel it over to the office building. The office workers aren't exactly helpful, and with the language barrier it's a lot of asking, little delivering. Rob grabs an English-speaker, which is a big help. And they're nice about it, thanking everyone whether they help or not.

This is a big deal to the locals, since there's lots of cheering and big crowds, so much so that guys with guns are around for security. You know, as if Tupac were driving down Martin Luther King Blvd. All the folks like that Tupac, guy, right?

(So sorry. Please stop hating me.)

For some reason Meredith and Gretchen are given a lot more love than the rest, getting asked for autographs and mobbed. Cool, but weird. I'll chalk it up to "respect your elders" is big over there.

Rob/Amber and Ron/Kelly finish and start pushing the cart back, but not until Rob scolds a couple of guys for confusing him. I think Rob told the guy that he totally hopes that guy doesn't answer the phone when he calls Dell for a computer problem.

By the way, in case you haven't noticed the last few episodes, remember when Rob gave his cap to the boat guy? Rob has another Sox cap, in red this time. I bet he has four with him at all times. I've only got three, so I need to buy another one. Did you know they won the Series last October? Just a reminder.

Rob/Amber and Ron/Kelly are off to the Pit Stop, 1 ½ miles to a building and the roof. Amber notes that the clue doesn't say it's a Pit Stop, just "make your way to Phil and the mat," so what does that mean?

Oh, and Kelly's pouting as they mosey down the road in a rickshaw where they don't have to do any work but sit while a local cycles.

When Uchenna and Joyce get their clue, the tea shop owner says that they look tired. Heh. He's a funny guy! He totally hopes this leads to him getting an acting career in Bollywood.

Lynn/Alex aren't far back, but Meredith and Gretchen are way, way back.

In their really, really cramped taxi, Rob and Amber are first (seriously, they were leaning over the driver).

First on the roof are Rob and Amber! Oops, still racing, Phil gives them another clue! So it's a non-elimination only in that it's a two-episodes-for-one-long-leg.

Oh, Phil, with your furrowed eyebrow so full of knowledge and trickeration!

Next week: I assume they finish this leg finally, but Meredith and Gretchen? Doomed. Is there any question? Only with some LucknowOrNever. (See? I did it!)

Thou shalt have no other Idols before Carrie

As usual, I'm barely paying attention, but here's a quick American Idol recap:

Tonight's theme: "Songs from the year you were born." Um, okay. Not sure how that will affect things, but if there are better choices from the early 80s than the late 70s, we'll find out.

Nadia was fine, but the song choice was drab as have the last few, which is why she's not getting the votes.

FREEEEE BIIIIRRRD! At least Bo (which we find out is short for Bogart as his family nicknamed him, and I don't know what to do with that information) tried, but he was pitchy and I wrote this down before Simon said it, if you're going to do a classic like that you had better hit it directly. Bo did not. But he has plenty of work in the bank to keep him around a while.

Anwar goes for Dionne Warwick, and let me tell you your future, Anwar: You won't win. You can't win. You mustn't win. As always, he sings a couple of notes brilliantly, then leaves the rest floating around the stage in the hopes we won't notice.

Ow! My ears! My ears! Anthony, just stop! Oop, my ears just filled with fluid as a defense mechanism, so I'm out for a few minutes. Seriously, has he EVER been good? Then, all the judges praise him, and my idea of how the world is run just disappears. I'm lost.

When Vonzell said in the pre-interview that she was singing "Let's Hear It For The Boy," I knew right away it was perfect to keep her out of the bottom three again. Upbeat, booty-shaking fun. Plus, she looked H-O-T. I'll be her Romeo. Oh, and her singing was fine, but not fantastic.

Scott's reaction to Simon telling him that he had more bad notes than good is that "there are millions of people at home who didn't have the nerve to do this." Dude, there are millions of people who tried to be there, so shut up. Know why "She's Gone," Scott? Because you tried to beat the crap out of her. Go. Away. And take your faux tough guy act with you.

Carrie "rocks out" to Pat Benatar's "Love is a Battlefield," and let me tell you, she can man my sweet trench any day. I don't know what that means, but you get the idea. As for her singing, too much yelling, not entirely in tune, but she ran around and showed more personality this week, and those jeans? Denimtastic.

Oh dear me, Constantine's going all Wayne's World on us with "Bohemian Rhapsody," and that's awesome. (Don't tell him I said that.) But like I said about Bo, when you do a classic you better get it right. The fact that he didn't have Wayne and Garth on the screen behind him in their Gremlin disappointed, but otherwise he mixed it up well. (Don't tell him I said that. Still don't want him in the top five.)

Always thinking about food

Downstairs here at the busy CNN Center I always see the Chinese and Japanese restaurants handing out samples to passersby. Why can’t they all do that? The folks at Arby’s could hand out slices of roast beef, and Chick-fil-A give out nuggets, Taco Bell could just skip the middle man and hand out laxative pills and Gorin’s could squirt smoothies over the counter and into our mouths like you do the clown faces at the fair.

Monday, April 11, 2005

To vote you must have a brain THIS big

Not satisfied with getting the felon and deceased vote, John Kerry has decided that he didn't win in November because he couldn't get enough morons to vote:

He cited examples of trickery. “Leaflets are handed out saying Democrats vote on Wednesday, Republicans vote on Tuesday,” Mr. Kerry said. “People are told in telephone calls that if you’ve ever had a parking ticket, you’re not allowed to vote."

(Link courtesy Tim Blair.)

A non-taxing weekend

Not a bad weekend considering I did nothing. Nuth – eeng. Saturday I did that T-Mobile trip I wrote about below, finally driving up to work Saturday night to use the intranet for the special deal with AOL Time Warner and the cell phone carrier. Saturday afternoon I spent five hours at the sports bar watching the Red Sox and The Masters while chatting with the staff and a guy from Massachusetts sitting at the bar with me. And a girl named Kris whom I totally creamed in trivia.

Sunday was official Pepcid Day, considering I would sit on my rump watching sports and eating spicy wings and Papa John’s’ new spicy meatball pizza. Spent the morning at the driving range hitting tons o balls and practicing chipping and putting. After a quick Publix trip I was home by 1 again for the Red Sox game, then The Masters again. Sensing a pattern? Sunday night I finally did my taxes. I used IRS.gov, which led me to pick H&R Block to actually do the adding and subtraction and filing. I’m getting a bigger refund than last year, so yay for me. Finally I get to buy the gift that keeps on giving.

Plus, at the same time I watched the commentary of Star Trek The Motion Picture, and double geek points are non-taxable using form 1099-Khan.

Did you see Tiger’s chip on 16 go in Sunday? Awesome. One of those shots we’ll look back on for decades. That ball really hung on the lip for five seconds until some worker blasted holes in the course looking for a gopher.

Ring around the Red Sox

Friggin’ sweet, baby! Right now, watching NESN's feed on our satellite of opening day festivities. They just had the Boston Pops on the field playing the classical theme of "2001" as they unveiled a big banner on the Green Monster, and have soldiers returned from Iraq carrying the trophy and rings from center field. Beautiful! Speaking of, James Taylor just sang "America the Beautiful."

Now, the presentation of the rings, one at a time as the players walk out of the dugout to huge praise from the soldout crowd. Derek Lowe, who flew in from Los Angeles where the Dodgers gave him the day off, got a huge ovation, but the biggest was reserved for Big Papi, David Ortiz, the team's overwhelming MVP the past two season. Can't wait to see how Schilling is received. Fenway will be jumping like never before, I'm sure. Oh, hey, here's Mark Bellhorn ... oops, he was reaching for it and missed, just another strikeout. (sorry, couldn't resist)

All this and then they get to play a game at 3! Speaking of, the Yankees were watching the entire affair from the dugout, biding their time until October when I'm sure I'll be freaking out again.

Good times.

Saturday, April 09, 2005

Set phasers to "Inert"

I finally bought the last of the special edition DVDs of the Star Trek movies, and it happens to be the first, Star Trek The Motion Picture. (Insurrection hasn't been made into a special edition yet.) It was the only one I couldn't find at retail stores, so I finally bought it off of Amazon.com this week.

You may criticize The Motion Picture as slow, but where else can you see a movie that spends half its time staring blankly at a cloud of nothing? Genius! (Seriously, though, the score sustains the uneventful trip.)

Of course, thinking that a Voyager probe turned into this logical technological monstrosity is just silly. Everyone knows the Pioneer space probes were much more intelligent and arrogant with their God complexes. I suppose Paramount would rather the pre-Borg spacething be called Veeger than Peener, though. Putting on my Butthead mask, the latter would be unintentionally funny, I'm sure, and more so considering the final "orifice," as Spock himself calls it, to enter the center looks like a big vagina. Heh. Cool.

I'm not sure what's my favorite part, the 2001-esque Spock ride through Veeger's, um, vessel, or that the message is that in order to find "the creator" you must have sex with it/him/her.

From the Bushes to the nest

The Secret Service took on the temporary duty of protecting a mother duck and her nine eggs. Yeah, it's cute and all, but who gets the bill?

Oh, ouch. I know, I know, I'm sorry.

Little bits

- How to lose a sale: I went into a T-Mobile store this morning to check out a deal the cell phone company has with my employer. I did my research, had my deals ready, so all I wanted was to personally handle the Blackberry that I would get free through the deal. Key word: FREE. The store's only employee in house, one of those young guys with slicked back hair, immediately tried to upsell me by belittling the Blackberry I wanted to try out. It's "too old" and "too big," he said, even though I already knew that it retailed for $299 (yeah, real old) and was centimeters larger than the newest Blackberry in the store. I lasted about thirty seconds before turning around and leaving, driving EXACTLY 200 yards down the street to another T-Mobile dealer (seriously, a good five-iron; these cell phone places are the new "Starbucks on every corner" joke). This guy answered my questions just as I needed and never tried to convince me to get another phone. Once I get my Blackberry I should drive back to the first store and tell the guy it's such a shame he lost out by being a prick. Or I could email him from the Blackberry and tell him just how ginormous this five-ounce PDA is.

- Google maps is mega-cool. Try it out, check out my apartment. Type in “914 Akers Ridge Atlanta 30339”, then enter, and when the map is up go to the right and click on satellite. That’s my complex on top of the mountain next to the Chattahoochee River! My apartment isn’t where the arrow is, but to the far right of the complex. I don’t mind you staring at my place; I’ve been peeking at your homes and businesses all day.

- One of my co-workers added a section to his site that conveys the fun, excitement and boredom of The Control Room, and that’s all during one commercial break.

- People are actually forking over money for a tape of a serial killer's confession for $39.95. That's pretty disgusting, but if it works, send me $15 and I'll email a video of myself admitting about the time I tossed rocks in this old guy's pool.

- Have you ever wondered why no one who works retail or in restaurants checks IDs anymore when you use a credit card? You’re not alone, but you probably haven’t gone as far as this guy to prove the point. (Link courtesy Instapundit.)

- Here’s where Red State/Blue State stands today, as seen by the Left:
“The United States shouldn’t try to influence the world under Chimpy McHitler’s administration, but according to us the world should make it a goal to liberalize the Catholic Church to accommodate our views on abortion, homosexuality and conception.”
Next comes the moral relativism about how how all religions are equal and after all we’re under the same God and he’s like inside us and stuff and pass the pot, dude. But don’t criticize Muslims because that’s not cool.

Friday, April 08, 2005

All the good ones are hundreds of miles away

Dolores, webmistress of Mind of A Single Woman, stopped by and gave me all kinds of compliments on my guestbook, so naturally I now devote my life to making her happy. Give her some love and if you know any successful men in New York (yeah, as if any Yankees/Mets fans have their heads on straight), drop her a line.

Tito's heart still in it for the second title

Get well soon, Terry Francona. Even if we've had our differences, I wish you well and a quick return to the Red Sox dugout. I may or may not have called you boneheaded, but that's not important right now. As the manager for the World Champion Red Sox, you get a free pass for the rest of our lives.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Looking forward to what's ahead by looking back

Today's edition of Jeff's Vacation Memories heads south to the panhandle of Florida:

In exactly two weeks I’ll be in Miami, getting ready to drive northwest to Tampa to see the World Champion Red Sox take on Tampa. We did the same trip in September of 2003, as seen in these pictures.



It should be sad that Tampa fans are so finicky and sparsely attend games. Instead, we had a blast since at least half (or more) of the crowd was wearing caps with a B on them, plus we were able to get tickets just a couple of months before the game and still sit in comfy chairs a few rows from the field.



The series was the last of the season, so nothing was in doubt. The Red Sox made the playoffs (although nothing involving Grady Little ever happened ... NEVER happened, you hear me?), but for good measure took a couple of wins from Tampa.

My facade is within

Today's fortune cookie: "God has given you one face, and you make yourselves another."

Who am I, Michael Jackson? Joan Rivers? Nicolette Sheridan?

You see I can go on and on. Because making fun of others makes me feel good about myself. So nyah!

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

I'm back, and more Amazing than ever!

Two weeks ago couldn’t have been better as my three favorite teams in The Amazing Race 7 finished 1 - 2 - 3. Last week was my nightmare as my power went out and I missed what I'm told were two of the best hours in reality TV history.

This week, the show got all tricky, treating the pre-credit sequence and the first part of the show as if this wasn't a clip show. But it did give me a chance ... wait a minute, they're getting clues. I thought everyone said this was a rehash show? Huh? Y'all are a bunch of liars.

We're in Botswana in what looks like Tatooine. I expect to see two suns on the horizon, and robots sold by midgets in maroon robes.

Ron and Kelly are first to drive to Sankuyo Village, Rob and Amber second. Uchenna and Joyce are next, and take the $85 for the race and put it into a fund to

Uchenna tries to suggest that since his father is from Nigeria, this is what it was like. Um, no, Nigeria is much farther north. It's like saying that since my ancestors are from England, that visiting Norway would be the same thing. Not so much. Big continent. Great, now I'm racist. More racist, at least.

Anyway, Lynn and Alex are next, and say they're the only team not to bicker, and, what? Have any of you thought Uchenna/Joyce, Meredith/Gretchen, Brian/Greg or Rob/Amber argue a lot? Shut up, Lynn and Alex.

Meredith and Gretchen get their clue fifth, and for some reason get their own upbeat soundtrack with a flute and everything. Somehow I think my soundtrack would involve a slide whistle and ba-dum-bump drums.

In the rear, B&G get their clue. Meanwhile, Rob tries not to run over an ostrich, or tries to run over it, I can't tell.

At the water tower, a Detour: village chores: Carry three items on their head for 70 yards, or Milk goats for 10 ounces of their creamy goodness.

Ron and Kelly are first and go for the Carry. But not well. Kelly gives up quickly, pointing out to Ron that balancing water on her head isn't the same as being a ballet dancer. They change to Milk.

Rob and Amber go for Milk right away, while B&G are climbing random water towers. I have a feeling they've done that before, signing "Brian Loves Cathy" or "Oak Hill High Rules!" with big paintbrushes so the entire town can see how much they rule.

Rob and Amber show up, see Ron and Kelly with the goats, and decide to balance the stuff on their heads. Rob can't do it, and they're off to milk goats. I'm sensing a pattern. Are they afraid to mess with the teets (sp?)?

Amber's not, really stroking that goat for all the milk it's got, and Rob's enjoying her work way too much.

Lynn and Alex go for the balancing, with Uchenna and Joyce. Lynn and Alex can't do it, Uchenna and Joyce get one of the three done, and one of the Happy Boys remarks, of course they did it, "they're born to do it." So can I make Judy Garland jokes about the Happy Boys now that they've stooped to the ethnic stereotype?

Ron and Kelly finish first, and are off 21 miles to the Kwhai River, followed by Rob and Amber, while Lynn and Alex can't help but notice.

I would suggest adding a drinking game to the bunches, to take a shot every time a team tries to compare themselves to Rob and Amber, but I doubt anyone would be conscious by the Detour.

Uchenna and Joyce finish with the Carry and are third out. Okay, so he credits his African roots for helping out, and I don't get it. Shouldn't I be a better alcohol drinker, then? Does that mean I can toss a pole farther than Uchenna because of my Scottish roots? Can I Riverdance better with my Irish roots? Hell, maybe. We don't know, do we? I bet I'm a better golfer than he is, so who knows.

Meredith and Gretchen are asking directions to the river, while Lynn and Alex call them stupid for doing so. HATE.

B&G are way behind, getting to Milk after everyone else is gone. Then fate intervenes as Lynn and Alex's car dies. Whee!

Still, their replacement car shows up while B&B are still milking, so dang.

Ron and Kelly are in first, trying to avoid the elephants along the road. Okay, that's neat. Mom messed with a deer and had enough of a scare, but a pachyderm? That would leave a ding or two.

Roadblock! The team has to drive the road, getting out and moving logs out of the way as they go. Well, it's not really a road but a path of dirt, even through a river that serves as a great Humvee commercial. Rob goes barreling through, leaving water inside the front seat, while Uchenna barely moves through. No fun, that. More fun to barrel through like Meredith does next.

The task is set up for one path per one team so that everyone has to move an equal number and size of logs blocking the road. They can't use physical strength, though, but tie a rope around the tree and to the front of the Humvee. That's dumb. I'd rather use brute force and move the three. Faster that way.

Okay, is it just me or is Ron berating Kelly more and more every week? Telling her to suck it up and shut up is how we hated Ray, so really I don't want to dislike a war hero. Stop it, Ron. Kelly at least stands up to him and says he's been acting like a jerk, and doesn't help by calling him a "piece of trash redneck." Um, do these two even know each other? Was this an arranged pairing?

Off to the Pit Stop! Nine miles away off a game reserve called the Kwhai River Lodge, the last team "may be eliminated." Ooh, maybe it's a non-elimination leg.

A warthog runs in front of Lynn and Alex's car, and they don't make any Pumba jokes from The Lion King. How do you miss that?

Either way, warthogs must be like black cats over there, because Lynn and Alex get a flat tire. They won't be eliminated, I'm sure, but as the only remaining team I don't like, I'm hopeful.

Meanwhile, Kelly is still going on about how Ron is pointing out all her faults, and with a smile now, so maybe this will settle that.

Rob and Amber are first to park, while Ron and Kelly pull in next and hope for a footrace. Duh, Rob and Amber win and are first again. More good news, as the leg's winners, they're going to Monte Carlo for five nights. Sweet.

Ron and Kelly are No. 2 a couple of minutes behind, and act like they wouldn't even hang out at lunch, let alone snuggle at night by the U. (Union U. shout out!)

Uchenna and Joyce are third, and having a really good time. Until now. They didn't finish the Roadblock correctly and Phil scolds them to go back and fix it. I didn't catch what they did, but I'm typing and not always looking, so what's their excuse?

Oops, he didn't take the post out, so it should be a quick drive-by and u-turn.

Still at the Roadblock, Meredith and Gretchen, Lynn and Alex and B&G. Uchenna grabs the post and takes off again.

Meredith misses the clue and somehow still gets to the Pit Stop anyway, so Phil scolds them, too and tells them to go back and get it. Wow, this leg should be called the Brain Fart episode.

Uchenna and Joyce are still in third.

Lynn and Alex must know this is a non-elimination round because they're putting on extra clothes in anticipation of having their stuff taken away in case their last. But they mosey into fourth place despite having two cars go out on them. That was pretty funny, since I'm sure I would have added extra layers of clothes, too.

Meredith and Gretchen are lost, so sucks to be them. Well, except that they finish fifth.

B&G are last, and instead of putting on extra layers they take them all off, wearing swim trunks and funny hats, hoping that it's a non-elimination round and they'll have to be rewarded for, well, silliness I guess.

Well, it is an elimination leg, so they're gone and they look ridiculous, too. Too bad. They were fun.

Wednesday night: The clip show. Next week: Ron and Kelly bicker in what looks like India. Meredith and Gretchen get cheers by the locals for being old, I guess.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Sing a song about the heartland

Forget that my cousin Amy and her hubby Phil would arrest American Idol's Scott for domestic abuse if he lived in Knoxville, the dude can't sing anymore, either. He's regressed so much in suckitude that William Hung is sounding good by comparison.

As usual, I didn't think much about the show, so here's my brief rundown:

Constantine was finally called on how he tries to have sex with the camera, and it's creepy. Still, he sang fine if the song was dull even though everyone tossed their underwear at him afterwards (including Ryan, I'm pretty sure).

Carrie was very pleasant and I like how she dresses the theme every week. Simon called it old-fashioned, and I don't see how that's an insult on Show Tunes night. I love her.

Vonzell wasn't her best, but fine. She's top three material with Carrie and Bo.

Anthony fell apart, and everyone knew it. Paula doesn't count, because she's not a judge anymore, she's a cheerleader. Seriously, at this point I hope they replace her next season.

Nikko would be gone if not for Scott and Anthony. He was all over the place.

Anwar was the best I've heard him. He even started on the right notes for once.

Bo was not in his element, yet hit the notes.

Nadia was consistent if uninspiring.

What surprises me is that none of the girls had the foresight to pick "On My Own" from Les Miserables. Forget that it's my favorite musical, the song has heart, emotional wallop and shows off their range.

Winning rules. Losing sucks.

Many congratulations to my big bro, Scott, who is getting his Ph.D. at Baylor, home of the NCAA champion Lady Bears.

Let's take a look at who of my family and friends has gotten to party the last several months:

Dad, me and Steve - Red Sox win the Series
Me and Steve - Union women win the NAIA basketball title
Steve - North Carolina wins the NCAA tournament
Scott and Jenn - Baylor Lady Bears crowned champs of the NCAA women's tourney

So will Eric get on board and help us boost the Memphis Grizzlies to the NBA championship?

Wickedly good

Click over to the main site on the right for the link to Sin City, a doozy of a film. Seriously, I feel bad that I enjoyed it, but if you're entertained then be entertained, I say.

He didn't say "fudge"

The Cleveland home from A Christmas Story was bought on eBay for $150,000. The guy who purchased it owns a company that sells those leg lamps from the 1983 holiday flick, in case nothing could drag you away from the soft glow of electric sex gleaming in the window.

Speaking of, fellow movie buffs will love this link to FilmWise, which has a movie game called The Invisibles where people are removed and only their clothes remain, and you guess what movie is shown from this scene. It’s pretty difficult, especially at first. The best I’ve done thus far is six of eight in quiz No. 223.

Oh cookie thou art wise

Today's fortune cookie: "You will be happy in receipt of good news."

Yes! Surely that means that my application to be the president of the Alyssa Milano fan club was accepted! I've waited for so long. Who's the boss now, huh? Me!

Monday, April 04, 2005

Inappropriate!

Okay, so the Pope, Terri Schiavo and Johnnie Cochran walk into a bar ...

Too soon?

Actually, I heard that the Vatican wants to inter the Pope in a crypt under St. Peter’s Basilica, but Michael Schiavo found a judge to agree to make the Pope be cremated and buried in Pennsylvania.

Fine, fine. Then a movie review? Last week I saw Guess Who, and I'm finishing up my review of Sin City.

You talkin' to me?

The latest quotable Vents posted in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution (registration required):

- Real men dance to get women, not keep them.
- Never ask a TV weatherman what time it is. He’ll tell you how to build a watch.
- So many high performance vehicles, so many low performance drivers.
- To obtain one of the new NASCAR tags, will we have to post a qualifying speed?
- Help! I put a NASCAR tag on my car, and now I can only turn left!
- Is a person who tried to deter an insurgent a detergent?
- The real estate agent listing my house has given it her top rating: 10WH-5, or 10 Waffle Houses in a five-mile radius.
- Save the Earth! It's the only planet with chocolate.
- I'm not saying my wife is cheap, but when I had my upper teeth pulled, she insisted I use just half as much toothpaste.
- You know your noble cause has officially become a circus once Jesse Jackson shows up.
- A critique of modern fashions: When I was a teenager 70 years ago, a bellybutton was considered one of the "private parts."
- My ex-girlfriend only weighed 135 pounds, but I swear 55 of it was mouth.
- I see where Prince Albert has assumed control in Monaco. Does that mean he has been let out of the can?
- I got a soccer mom and a NASCAR dad. Saturdays the SUV is filled with juice and cookies; Sundays it's filled with beer and hot dogs.
- I'm having a Lent problem myself. I gave up sex this year, but nobody seems to have informed the women of Atlanta that Lent is over!

Vents I Sent:

- The last thing I want to see the year after buying a new home is my realtor’s picture on the cover of the “million dollar club” flyer.
- Following talk show rules, I have nothing to support to the opinion of this vent, so I'll DO IT LOUDER!
- Only a liberal could equivocate the taking of a defenseless life with the execution of a convicted murderer.
- A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.
- If English-speaking stations can offer SAP for Spanish speakers, why can't Spanish-speaking stations offer an English alternative?
- Of course all the Democrat politicians are pro-choice. In their party, they have no choice.
- The U.S. may use 25 percent of the world’s oil, but it’s only fair since we also produce 25 percent of the world’s food and provide 75 percent of the world’s security, not to mention we buy products from all over the world, and if our economy is humming so is the vast majority of the planet.
- The assault on absolute morality is the basis for every brainwashing scheme of the Left.
- I went to the bookstore and couldn't find the self-help section, but realized if I asked an employee for assistance it would defeat the purpose. (Courtesy Grif.net.)
- Between sex scandals and letting corrupt nations like Zimbabwe on the Human Rights Commission, letting the U.N. dictate world morality is like letting a lion shepherd a zebra herd.

Sunday, April 03, 2005

Life begins anew

This is just a post for comments to discuss the Red Sox-Dang Yanks season opener!

(Or, if you're Scott, talk about the Baylor women in the Final Four.)

UPDATE: Don't forget, those with digital cable, that the MLB pay package is free the first week of the season. I can't justify paying the $170 for the full season, though, since I work until 10p on weeknights and can head to the sports bar on weekends, where I'll spend more than $170 on food and drink over the next six months!
MLB's golden season opens tonight with Boston facing the Evil Empire. As glorious as October was, it's time to move from celebrating-the-title to defending-the-title. That, and Jeff's predictions!

American League
East: Dang Yanks
Central: Minnesota
West: Anaheim
Wild Card: Red Sox

National League
East: Atlanta
Central: St. Louis
West: Los Angeles
Wild Card: Florida

Playoffs: Red Sox over Anaheim, Minnesota over Dang Yanks, Atlanta beats L.A. and Florida tops St. Louis.
AL title: Red Sox beat Twins
NL title: Florida over Atlanta

World Series: In what should have been the 2003 Series (stupid Grady Little), Boston defends the championship and sweeps the Marlins.

(I'm such a homer.)