Monday, February 28, 2005

I told you the circus was in town last week, didn't I?

These two pics show the "gulch" between the CNN parking deck and Philips Arena where the Barnum folks set up camp for two weeks, and a close up of the elephant area:


An award-winning weekend of leisure

Hey, howdy and hello, peasants loyal compatriots!

On the third day of my weekend, I returned to Atlanta this afternoon after a fun and baby-rific weekend. Between my sisters and cousins, there was no shortage of young'uns five and under to play with (three under six months old), and thankfully enough adults to take turns! (Pictures will be along soon.)

As the lone males, it was up to Granddad and me to take care of "man" stuff first! We literally dug out Karla's 32-inch TV from storage and I spent many hours removing the spyware orgy from Mom and Aunt Lynn's computer. It was only fair, since they did all the cooking and nuking of Ro-tel for the Oscars.

Speaking of, congratulations go to Jeremy (on the right in the first pic), one of Scott's buds from Nashville who wasn't even going to enter my 2nd Annual Academy Award competition until I threatened his dog unless he complied. Considering I tied with Aunt Lynn for second place and I wasn't eligible to win, she has good cause to curse me for a thousand suns.

Of course, since this is just a secondary award, Jeremy will be awarded his gold statue in the back of the audience so that he doesn't take any of our time with boring yapping about thanking his "family" and likewise bunk about "hard work" and "perseverance."

Final results are as follows:
Jeremy 13
Aunt Lynn 11
Jeff 11
Dad 10
Scott 9
Stacy 9
Steve 9
Mom 8
Stephanie 7
Jenn M. 7
Amy 6
Karla 5

Yes, Karla gets the Razzie for fewest correct picks. Actually, had The Aviator won Best Picture, Stephanie, Amy and Karla would have all finished with six.

Other notes of interest:

- Stephanie was the only one to pick Million Dollar Baby to win Best Picture.

- Stacy was the only one to correctly guess (yes, guess) Wasp would win for Live Action Short. Eight others missed with Little Terrorist, which no doubt seemed like the most politically charged answer. (By the way, did you know that the whole Academy does not vote for Best Live Action Short, only those who show up for the nominee screening.)

- Jeremy pulled away in the third hour. As of 9p Central Time, he led me by one, and Aunt Lynn, Stacy, Steve and Jenn M. by two. By 10:10, he was up on me and Aunt Lynn by three, with largely the same picks for the final five awards.

- Last year, Scott and Joe tied with 16 correct picks to win, and four of us had 15, but considering the total juggernaut of awesomeness that was Lord of the Rings: Return of the King, there wasn't much doubt that it would win most of its nominations.

- The biggest improvement goes to Aunt Lynn, who had more correct picks last year, 12, but was tied for second this year compared to seventh in 2004.

- No repeat Razzie "winner," since Bill didn't enter the contest this year.

- Everybody correctly chose Jamie Foxx to win Best Actor.

- Dad was the only one right on Born Into Brothels for Documentary Feature.

- I was the only guesser to get Lemony Snicket in Make Up.

- I was also the only one on the nose in the tiebreaker category, predicting The Aviator would go home with five Oscars. Of course, I only guessed two of its wins, incorrectly guessing that it would get Best Picture, Best Director and Sound Mixing. Meanwhile, Jeremy said Scorsese's flick would nab seven Oscars, and he correctly named all five of the categories the movie won.

- No one said that the song from the Commie-hugging Motorcycle Diaries would get Best Original Song.

UPDATE 2:15 p.m. March 1 - Dad corrects his total. He had 10, not 9, and it's been changed.

Friday, February 25, 2005

Cliches-R-Us

You know the popular cliche that has an anchor not wearing pants while doing the news behind the desk? Last night I turned into a chick and was retaining water (or Diet Coke), so I switched the entire 9p show with my belt unbuckled and top button undone. Thought you'd want to know.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Next on Fox: When Jeff attacks!

I don’t want to get too invested with the new season of American Idol, but it’s too late. I’ve watched every show, and I have opinions, dangit!

From 24 to 20 this week, and none of the four were on the bottom of my list. Three of them – Melinda, Sarah and Jared – were hosed because in all the episodes leading up to now, they were rarely if ever shown. This was their one shot, and it wasn’t perfect, therefore audiences didn’t care. The fourth to go, Judd, wasn’t particularly interesting, either, but at least we’d met him before.

My picks to go: Janay, who looked like she had Parkinson’s, Lindsey, who sang out of tune and looked uncomfortable, Constantine, the “rocker” singing Seal for goodness’ sake, and, well, I don’t know. But can anyone imagine Scott Savol in those dance routines that lead off results shows in the top 12? On second thought, keep him around, the unintentional comedy scale should be out of sight!

I may have to do away with watching the results shows on Wednesdays if they’re all going to be so melodramatic. The way Ryan plays with the contestants isn’t even funny, and I want so want to enjoy their pain.

I don't remember "Keanu shall save us" in Malachi

Keanu's all "Gotta save humanity from the devil's spawn," and God's all, "Whoa."

A review of Constantine is now up!

Do you Remember The Time this guy was an icon?

The jury of the Michael Jackson trial includes seven whites, four Hispanics, one Asian and no blacks. Not that it matters, since the defendant is white.

*rimshot*

Seriously, will the black community rally behind the King of Pop like they did OJ? Was "Thriller" that great?

I’d also like to make a confession. I'm an honest member of the media (an oxymoron, I know): I want the Michael Jackson trial to be a circus. High entertainment = Higher ratings.

Abe is super, thanks for asking!

A new book suggests that one of our American icons (you can look it up), Abraham Lincoln, was gay, and I don't mean jovial.

What's next in the assault on the histories of our leaders? In an iJeff exclusive, here are some upcoming book topics on American presidents and their families:

- In his inaugural speech, George Washington said he would never want to be King of America, but it would be “fabulous” to be the country’s Queen.

- Dolly Madison cut her hair short and wore combat boots.

- John Quincy Adams made a mean humus infused with parsley oil that’s a brilliant iridescent green.

- Millard Fillmore spoke with a lisp and ran with his hands flapping in front of him.

- James Buchanan never married, and would spend two hours getting ready in the mornings.

- Rutherford B. Hayes was known to sneak away to rest areas in the middle of the night.

- Grover Cleveland ordered all the pillows in the White House to match the drapes.

- Harry Truman was a HUGE Judy Garland fan.

- Gerald Ford’s favorite hangout is called the Blue Oyster.

- Jimmy Carter sweats to the oldies.

- George H.W. Bush bankrolled To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar.

- Hillary Clinton? Total tranny.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Jeff out!

Don’t pretend you’re not watching “American Idol” again. Once we’ve all cleared the air and admitted that, we can move forward with analyzing the contestants. After all, we don’t want just any schlub representing our country.

We’re into the final 24, twelve guys and twelve gals, and so far I’m seeing a reversal of last season in that the boys are much stronger vocally than the girls.

Not that I’m the expert. Once again, the judges were praising singers I thought were awful, so much so that a few times I fast-forwarded through their performance I was so uncomfortable. What this means is that I'm doomed to have one of my favorites cut in favor of someone less talented, which after last year is known as the "Lisa Leuschner effect." My pretty meat-on-her-bones redhead was robbed, and I’m still ticked!

(FYI: To find out how to spell her last name, I Googled "Lisa robbed American Idol" and thousands of results turned up, so I'm not alone in ruing the decision by the judges to cut her.)

The best male on Monday: Bo the “rocker” from Alabama.

The best female on Tuesday: “Farm girl” Carrie from Oklahoma, also known as the future Mrs. Jeff, or at least I hope to have her do me the honor of rejecting me someday.

On the other side, Mikalah, please go. I'm with Simon's half that finds her annoying.

Thine cookie is wise

Today's fortune cookie: "You will soon be involved in many gatherings and parties."

What a coincidence. This weekend I'll be enjoying a few days in Chapel Hill. Stacy is bringing Gabriel and Nate, plus Stephanie, while Amy is driving over with A.J., and of course Karla's already there with Gavin and Evie, so things will be quite festive at Mom/Aunt Lynn's house and next door at Mom-Mom and Granddad's.

Also sure to bring in the fun, Sunday night is the Academy Awards (called the "Oscars" by you simpletons). I'll be taking ballots for my contest right up until the show starts, so pick the winners and you may get a prize!

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

500 rings to rule them all

Has anyone else heard that the Red Sox are considering not presenting the championship rings on April 11, the home opener against (cue Darth Vader music) the Dang Yankees?

I’d like to think my vocabulary would provide a better response than “screw that,” but I can’t think of any phrase that would convey my anger at such a proposal. So, screw that.

Not only should the Red Sox present the World Series rings in the home opener versus the Dang Yankees, they should be quite cavalier about it, giving out one ring between every at-bat of every Red Sox-Dang Yankees game at Fenway. Management is giving out 500 to employees who were a part of the season, so they won't run out of chances to rub New York's faces in the celebration.

In fact, ring-maker Jostens should then make a replica ring for fans. Who wouldn’t want their own 2004 World Series title ring with the Boston logo? We could hold them up in unison, like super heroes, and call out “Power to Boston, Hail to the Champons, Yo!”

That would be wicked awesome.

UPDATE: The Red Sox caved into whining from the fans (yay peer pressure!) and will indeed hand out the World Series rings at the home opener against the Dang Yanks.

Prime Jeff Tonight

In case you forgot, our new Prime News Tonight show started at 9 p.m. EST last night. I can't speak for the content, but technically I think we knocked it out of the park. As the TD I'm responsible for everything on your screen, from camera to routers for guests to effects to the "live" bug to the crawl at the bottom. It's like playing a piano and the symbols at the same time.

The reason I can't speak on the content of the show is that I was concentrating on what I had to do, and listening to the director, so I couldn't tell you what the lead story was, let alone what the guests were saying. That's not my job. When I'm directing, then I have to pay more attention to the content, but then I won't have to worry about the switcher, either.

So watch already! And if you see any mistakes, I was on vacation.

UPDATE (7:20): I guess I forgot to write my weekend wrap, but maybe that just shows that it wasn’t interesting enough in the first place!

It’s true.

Saturday I went to the sports bar to watch the Memphis-Southern Miss game (Tigers win) and play trivia. For lunch I had their "Atlantic Cod Platter" with fries. Um, don’t you mean, fish and chips? What’s with the fancy title? It’s a frickin’ sports bar, for frickin’ sake!

Otherwise I saw Constantine and went to Best Buy to get the special edition DVDs of Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan and Chisum. My policy is to wait and buy John Wayne movies when their DVD has been given a commentary or documentary. Right now that leaves slim pickings.

Cute kids bring in ratings

You will love these children! They will make you happy!

Monday, February 21, 2005

Ain't no party like a blogger party

The Blog World and my links grow by two! Last week Scott started his own egocentric page (which makes my ginormous web site what?), this week his wifey-poo, Jenn, announces she’s moving in with JingJing's Junket and our sister, Stacy, joins the club with MOAB, or the Mother of All Blogs.

Jenn promises to be snippy, while Stacy promises smileys. I like the contrast.

Sunday, February 20, 2005

But baby, I can change! Let me get a new ISP!

Great. Now even Yahoo's undeliverable message sounds like a chick rejecting me:

"Hi. This is the qmail-send program at yahoo.com. I'm afraid I wasn't able to deliver your message to the following addresses. This is a permanent error; I've given up. Sorry it didn't work out."

Shocked!

President Bush gets Linda Tripped, but instead of making a stink about it, the New York Times writes about the content of the tapes. Even better, you can tell that the paper was shocked (SHOCKED!) that Bush means what he says. Check out this line from the story: "The private Mr. Bush sounds remarkably similar in many ways to the public President Bush."

What? You mean we have a president who means what he says, and does what he means? Shocked!

After reading the article, if it were possible I love Dubya even more. A great man, a great leader, a great president. There will be some awesome books in the future about his presidency, which will be as revered as Reagan's in the eyes of conservatives and America.

(p.s. If you ever want to visit a news site but not register, go to BugMeNot.com for a generic password.)

Day-yawn-a 500

Given the option of watching nothing or NASCAR, I always pick the former. For instance, today I turned over to the Daytona 500 in time for the last three laps, and don't feel like I missed a thing. Otherwise I spent the five o'clock hour watching NBC's highlights of the Westminster Dog Show. Now that's a competition worth watching!

I will say this, at least. That Jeff Gordon won is awesome, because he's so hated by an increasingly large number of racing fans who boo the golden child at every turn and wish DALE! had shot all the tires off the 24 car.

Venture into the pop-culture abyss

The latest quotable Vents in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution (registration required):

- Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
- There is no mouse-flavored cat food for the same reason there is no cat-flavored dog food.
- I love online banking, but when I try to make a withdrawal nothing comes out of the printer!
- I'm not sure which is more amazing ... that some of you think the way you do, or that I take the time to read it daily.
- Would someone please tell my wife that I am not the only man who brushes his teeth in the shower. Jeff reply: Not only do I brush my teeth in the shower, I also shave and read the sports page.
- You think you have problems? How would you like to see your name published in the newspaper as a character witness for Michael Jackson?
- I'm new here. Nobody told me that when a traffic signal is out, the standard driving technique is, "Close your eyes and hit the gas!"
- The Neville Chamberlain Award: A special thanks to Clinton, and Carter for getting North Korea to agree not to develop nuclear weapons.
- There's a quick, surefire way to get the kids to stop wearing their pants halfway down their butt. If we older folks started doing it . . .
- Who cares if lobsters feel pain? Pass the butter!
- My method of sexual self-control has always been my personality.
- Trust me, being ugly helps with sexual self-control.
- Women needed Valentine's Day after dealing with football season.
- Isn't it kind of ironic to name an attack submarine after Jimmy Carter?

Vents I Sent:

- Why does Coca-Cola need to advertise? Is there really anyone who doesn't know what Coke is? Why not advertise spoons while you're at, “By the makers of knives and forks.”
- "Where’s the outrage from the gay community that liberals are making sport of outing this conservative White House reporter?" He asks, knowing the answer.
- Congratulations, liberal bloggers, you took down our best agent, Jeff Gannon (sarcasm alert), while conservatives only managed to end the reigns of Eason Jordan and much of the CBS news crew.
- News flash from the USS Jimmy Carter: They've encountered giant swamp rabbits and can't shoo them away!
- Remember when Democrats cared about spreading liberty around the world? No, really, I'm stumped.
- If only Bush had dubbed them the “axis of sweetness,” then Iran and North Korea would have invested in cuddly bunnies and dear little puppy dogs. (Courtesy Tim Blair)
- It's no mystery why the same people who called for Bush's head on a stick during the Enron investigation just shrug and say "whatever" during the more massive UN Oil-for-Food scandal.
- Has it been determined if Donald Trump is a plot cooked up by Iranian intelligence to sap our national will?

Sunday funny

Jenn sent this to me. Since she didn't post it on her site (in a vain attempt to avoid hell), I will (because I have time to repent later):
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

Saturday, February 19, 2005

Carnival of Links 2/19/05

- I can't link to any one post by Scott because he's gone post crazy! He's making me feel simultaneously smarter and dumber by reading his ideas on theology. If I read this every day, do I get a Ph.D. after three years?

- Steve and Wally are ga-ga over some car race Sunday. To me, it's a bunch of guys driving in circles, and if one would just ask for directions the race could be a lot shorter. Steve, at least, has his priorities in order to realize this week is all about pitchers and catchers reporting for the Red Sox run to a repeat World Series title.

- Brent is saying thank you for Valentine's Day, while Jenn prefers to think about mobsters. I guess that's not entirely different from my own view of why???????

- John has a new home computer, which apparently doesn't allow him to use Blogger, seeing as how he hasn't posted since. Or John brought forth the rise of the machines, and he's the first to perish in what will be the end of humanity. I'm just going to hope that he's distracted by naked pictures of Rue McClanahan.

- Eric is full of excuses for not posting, and none of them start with "murder" or end with "for hire."

- The theme of Rachel's newest edition of The Diet Chronicles is Flyin' Hiiiiiggh, after she hit a milestone in her weight loss. My next goal is: Put on my socks without losing breath. Maybe if I was wearing spandex ...

Friday, February 18, 2005

Did you see the size of his ears? I bet he could fly with those things

Atlanta’s a circus this month, and I don’t mean because the Georgia legislature is in town. There are three, count ‘em, three circuses around here this month: Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus, plus Big Apple and UniverSoul.

The biggie, America’s official circus Daddy, Ringling Bros., is next door at Philips Arena, so all their tents and trailers are set up by our parking lot. Walking from my car to CNN Center I keep looking over, staring at the animals. I’m like Sam in LOTR: Two Towers, “Oooh, elephants!”

Anybody got a kid I can borrow to go see the show this weekend? Would it be creepy to go to a circus alone? I’ll even buy your child some of those neon sparklers, I promise!

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Welcome to the web log world, bro

Big brother Scott abandoned his Geocities format for Blogger, and his Theology Talk is now on the links to the right.

His first real post is on the cancellation of the NHL season, and like me, he’s apparently the other Southerner who is sad to see this winter sans hockey.

Yesterday, Boston Globe blogger Eric Wilbur had me miffed over his opinion that the NHL should eliminate franchises south of the Mason-Dixon line. I can only chalk that up to Northern bias and a complete misunderstanding of America at large.

Here in Atlanta, Thrashers fans attended the games in droves. I, for one, am a big fan of the team and the game, and went to a dozen games a year. I went to a few games in Nashville with Scott, and can verify that Preds fans are better than Atlanta’s, even more vocal throughout.

Elsewhere in the Globe, by someone not trying to tick me off, an interesting comparison of the NHL and my Red Sox. Not only will this be the second time in 112 years that the Stanley Cup won’t be awarded, both times were in years after the Red Sox won the World Series. At least we’re guaranteed that the NHL won’t lose an entire season again for eight decades. But if they aren’t playing by next fall, then I’ll be putting in for another vacation in late October to follow Boston to a second World Series title in a row!

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Stay tuned ...

Sorry my blogging has been, and will be, intermittent this week. We at Headline News are busy, busy, busy, working on the new primetime format that starts next Monday.

I was named the TD of the all-important 9p EST Headline Prime hour, so we’ve been doing rehearsals this week, plus I’ve been working on building effects and learning new equipment. Hopefully after next week things will settle in to a routine again.

Oh, and Monday my schedule changes, too, so I’ll be coming into work earlier, at 2, getting out at 10. (Currently I work 5 to 1 a.m.)

It’s an exciting time to be working at a station (think Broadcast News but with more drama), so do a Jeff a favor and watch our new show(s)!

Amazing Dr. Phil

Amazing Race 6 is done, but until the seventh Race starts the Tuesday 9p slot was filled by a Dr. Phil special, part of which he smacked down Sauron.

Actually, Dr. Phil didn't reach over and actually smack him, so it wasn't entirely fulfilling. Jonathan came across as an ass like usual, and Victoria like some dimwit paper doll. Didn't know she was an ex-Playboy Playmate, though I'm not surprised. And as usual, it talked about Jonathan being involved "in movies," which we all know means "naked chicks and possible relations with naked men."

The funniest bit was when Dr. Phil caught Jonathan mumbling something under his breath to Victoria that sounded like he was telling her how to act.

Also, there's comedy, there's high comedy and then there's Jonathan talking about how much he loved women by noting that he is involved with Playmates.

Thankfully we don't have to see them anymore and can get on with the new season in two weeks!

Monday, February 14, 2005

Really, I'm doing great. Thanks for asking.

While you are spreading good cheer with your honey about your VD, take the time to see it from a Mind of a Single Man, in association with the romantic comedy Hitch.

Sunday, February 13, 2005

Where'd the weekend go?

Have you ever woken up from a creepy dream, then really, really hoped you'd look at the alarm clock and see it's time to get up? Yeah, that was me this morning at 4, less than two hours after I went to bed. No worries, I managed to sleep until 11 anyway.

Of course, now I don't even remember the nightmare, yet I still hope for a recurrence of a dream from a few days ago where somehow I was dating an LPGA golfer. I even remember her name, Erica Strickland, and no, there's no professional golfer with that name. She was good, too, proving that I was no Barbara Hershey bad-luck-charm like in The Natural.

Boy, Georgia has really relaxed its child labor laws. At Krystal for lunch, the manager's kid was behind the front counter taking orders. He was no more than ten at oldest, and then she still had the nerve to criticize him when he got anything wrong. Still, he was more mild-mannered and counted better than many fast-food workers, so that's got to count for something.

It's been a rainy Sunday in Atlanta, so I got all of my weekend in yesterday when it was 60 degrees and sunny. This presented, as always, an opportunity to roll down the windows, open the sunroof and play upbeat tunes as I cruised between Target and Wal-Mart and Blockbuster and Publix, taking the long routes on the side streets between them. The state of Georgia made this partly involuntary by closing off FOUR lanes of I-285, the interstate that circles Atlanta and runs near my complex, and even though all the head- and tailights of the stopped cars are real pretty, I would guess that the occupants are a tad frustrated, seeing as how the construction is leaving two lanes open where 285 and I-75 meet.

The first stop, though, was the sports bar down the street. A burger, some tater tots and a couple of games of trivia while watching some basketball. Unfortunately, I didn't have my A game and couldn't crack the top 100 nationally, nor could I even post a top ten score of the month for the bar.

Am I the only one who rewinds or fast-forwards songs so they're at the right spot for Maximum Cool Points when pulling up to a traffic light or into my complex? Depends on the song, I guess. I doubt I hit the right buttons with my Monster Ballads CD, unless people are honest and admit they adore those love songs by the big hair bands of the 80s.

Did you know that Dasani has flavors with its water? I didn't either, until I accidentally bought one and drank it, pulled back and thought, "what the heckydoodle?" and realized it was raspberry flavored. Why? Ew. Plus, it actually means you're drinking water with 200 mg of sodium. If you're going to do that, grab a juice box, the ones with the straws that are impossible to penetrate into the pouch and you end up splattered with stick cherry on your shirt.

I didn't really need to go to all of those places for what I wanted, but I got it into my head earlier this week to buy the DVD of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and it was at neither Target nor Wal-Mart. By this time, I don't just want the movie, I have to have it. I was desperate. Hello, Blockbuster. I don't rent movies anymore, just buy, and while I was there I picked up Star Trek: Nemesis as well, part of completing my collection of all the special editions of that series. Naturally, all this afternoon which movie do you think I watched, the one I went to three stores for, or the one I picked up on a whim? Yeah, you're right.

You know the problem with Nemesis? Well, I mean, at least for me. Same goes for Generations, which I watched earlier this week when buying the special edition. By season five of The Next Generation I grew tired of plot lines involving Data. When the movies came out he became more and more annoying, and that danged emotion chip was responsible for the most eye-rolls I've ever made at a movie, and remember that I've seen Battlefield Earth AND The Avengers. Anyway, my point is, when Data sacrificed his "life" for the crew, I didn't care. Ho-hum, whatever, no big deal.

Most importantly this weekend, I fit in a couple of hours at the driving range. Next to me were a father and his teenage son, which brings back good memories. Dad and I used to get up early on the weekends and play a round or two with his friends and co-workers. Some of my favorite moments were when we'd be the first or second group to tee off as the sun came up, especially at Edmund Orgill golf course in Millington. So, Dad, in those moments where you wonder what kind of weird kids you hath wrought, know that I carry around good thoughts of the fun times.

Still writing a review of Hitch, using Valentine's Day as a theme. Stay tuned.

Saturday, February 12, 2005

Here's an M&M: Happy Valentine's Day

This weekend is made for lovers (damn them all), so let's investigate the secret to long marriage. In this case, 72 years:

"She never asked for anything, and I never gave her anything."

(Link courtesy The Corner)

Friday, February 11, 2005

Trailer Park 2/11/05

Saw Hutch before hoofing it to the gym and work this afternoon, and I plan on rolling that review into a Valentine's Day version of Mind of A Single Man. I needed to see the movie at a matinee, lest I be overrun by couples during the weekend. Dang them and their "love"!

If you need a review now, check out my new posting about Sideways, rightfully one of the Hollywood darlings this awards season.

Now, how about what sometimes is the best part of going to the theater, the 2 1/2 minute sneak peeks!:

A Lot Like Love - A Lot Like Smaltz. Ashton Kutcher and Amanda Peet are quirky, meet, fall in love, fall out of each other, reunite and the trailer shows everything.

Madagascar - From the creators of Shrek, this animated comedy looks pretty funny, about a group of pampered animals from the New York zoo who end up in the wild. The penguins-with-attitude could be a lot of comedy relief.

Guess Who - … Is Coming To Dinner? should be the complete title since we all know that this white boy (Ashton Kutcher) meets black fiancee’s parents (including Bernie Mac) will have plenty of interracial humor. It actually could be pretty funny, at least a LOT funnier than Sydney Potier’s serious race study in the 60s.

Man of the House - Tommy Lee Jones goes undercover to protect a group of U. of Texas cheerleaders. Hell no. Not even if I were promised nudity. (Especially not if it’s Jones who is nekkid.)

Sahara - Next year’s National Treasure, complete with a secret stash of treasure on a Confederate ship in Africa, starring Matthew McConaughey at Nic Cage, Penélope Cruz as Helen of Troy, Steve Zahn as the nutty sidekick, William H. Macy as Jon Voigt and as Delroy Lindo as Baromir.

XXX: State of the Union - The sequel doesn't have Vin Diesel, but Ice Cube instead. Lots of stuff gets blow'd up, gunfire erupts, people perform EXTREME! stunts, and it will all be ridiculous. Yeah, I'll see it.

Sin City - Another comic-turned-movie, but not being well received by fans. I wouldn't know, as usual, about the comic, but the trailer isn't bad. The music moves it along well, and the trailer runs through the list of stars to look forward to seeing, such as Bruce Willis and Clive Owen.

The Amityville Horror - "Horror," you say? Didn't see the original, won't see this one. I don't do horror movies. I don't care to be scared, and when they aren't, I can only make fun, and when they are, I still make fun. It's my defense and offense weapon.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith - Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are assassins. Neither knows the other is, until they're hired to kill each other. Looks great.

The New World - 1) Directed by Terrence Malik. Egad, The Thin Red Line still makes me throw up. 2) Westerners venture into Virginia in 1607 and meet the natives, meaning that my ancestors will be treated with disdain by the film.

Kingdom of Heaven - Legolas stars in this Ridley Scott flick about the Crusades. I think we're all getting worn out by large-scale epics of this sort, since most of the action scenes look like retread of Lord of the Rings, Troy and Alexander. Then again, I don't think Scott will try to make Kingdom isn't a gay passion play, so that's a start.

Kung Fu Hustle - By the same guy who did Shaolin Soccer, so it will have unpossible and entertaining action.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Jeff's Briefs 2/10/05

- Feel free to imbibe as many of my thoughts as you can fit into your skull. As always, this blog is low-carb

- Today's fortune cookie: "Don't let friends impose on you; work calmly and silently." Huh? If I stay calm and silent, how will they know they're imposing on me? Can't I be a sarcastic jackass just as easily? Please? Besides, this isn't true. I'm the one who is imposing on others!

- I don’t know about you, but I always find it amusing when liberals denounce America as being too Neanderthal about sex and not as free of thought as Europe. You know, because it’s very progressive to force women into the sex industry or else lose their welfare benefits. If you don’t agree then you’re a repressed religious freak.

- Motorists who talk on cell phones are more dangerous than drunk drivers. See, that’s why I just play video games and eat Krystals with chili cheese fries while driving.

- What do you mean “Enterprise” won’t return next Fall? With no new Trek episodes, am I just supposed to get a social life and ask one of those girl-like people out? Thank heavens for syndication!

- Diet Cherry Coke, I understand, and love unconditionally. Or with lime, with lemon, fine, whatever pleases your palate. But now we're supposed to drop everything and just accept the arrival of Cherry Vanilla Dr Pepper? What will they mix next, Orange Paprika RC Cola? Blueberry Chocolate Fanta?

- Female “interrogators” at Guantanamo Bay wore tight shirts and got captives upset by “touching them provocatively,” which for some reason has pansies up in arms. Hell, that kind of night would cost me fifty bucks, and I certainly wouldn’t complain to the Red Cross about it.

- Comcast is starting a personals service through its cable service called Dating on Demand, where hopefuls post brief videos describing themselves. Whatever. The On Demand porn is still cheaper (not that I would know), and what happened to finding mates the old-fashioned way, like russianbrides.com? (Again, not that I would know, but yes, I just spent ten minutes scrolling through the profiles. I need help.)

- In case that On Demand relationship doesn’t work out, be not worried, doctors say that people really do suffer from "broken heart syndrome". Symptoms include a proclivity for eating ice cream, listening to “I will Survive” and watching The Way We Were .

Take that!

The latest quotable Vents posted in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution (registration required):

- Boy, what kind of freak show will a jury of Michael Jackson's peers look like?
- The nicest part about living in a small town is you don't have to use your turn signals. Everybody knows where you're going.
- Freedom of speech is wonderful. It makes it easier to spot the morons.
- Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.
- Careful boys, the guilt-driven Valentine's Day media blitz is at full force. Be strong!
- My grandson told me he wanted to be just like me when he grows up. But he quickly added, "Just not as old."
- Does making Howard Dean head of the Democratic National Committee automatically put that party on suicide watch?
- Now that I'm in a relationship, why are women nicer to me?
- Women are now nicer to you because they see you are being housebroken.
- Women are nicer to men in relationships because if you are in a relationship, the chances are greater you are not total scum.
- Perhaps women are nicer to you now that you're in a relationship because you appear happier and not as desperate.
- Social Security is so wonderful that federal employees created a separate system for themselves.

Vents I Sent:

- Can someone remind Democrats and the mainstream media that between Vietnam and Iraq, we also sent troops successfully to Grenada, Panama, Haiti, the Baltics and Afghanistan?
- How paranoid are these liberal venters who think Bush is going to send his 100-foot robot Jesus to blast them to bits for voting for Kerry?
- No doubt there will be resistance from seniors who think Bush wants to convert their checks to quarters and feed them into slot machines. That's their job! (Courtesy Lileks)
- I adore that the Democrats' argument to keep Social Security status quo is, "The American people are too stupid to think for themselves."
- It boggles the mind that 36 Democrats would vote against the first Hispanic attorney general out of tender concern for the well-being of terrorists, but there you are. (Courtesy OpinionJournal.com)
- Do you think Jimmy Carter is stewing over missing a great photo op at Iraq’s elections in order to maintain his anti-Bush policies?
- Before the season I vowed to save a dollar every time Atlanta Hawks forward Antoine Walker shot 50 percent or better. By now I can afford to super-size my lunch, at least.
- SUVs don't bother me. It is the Mercedes drivers' overblown sense of importance I see do the most speeding, reckless lane changes and tailgating.
- If the Iraqi elections were part of Bush’s plan to destroy the world, then by all means, keep at it, Dubya.
- If the Democrats think investing in the stock market is gambling, I’ll bet them that I make more with my 401K in five years than the government can come up with for Social Security in thirty years.

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Silly Jeff, Trix are for kids!

You may choose to believe that today is the last day in recorded history. I choose to believe it's the first day of a new era: The Age of Jeff.

For the Chinese, however, billions of people have been fooled into thinking that this Lunar New Year is the Year of the Rooster. Apparently we're supposed to wake up at dawn all year.

Born in 1975 I fall under the Year of the Rabbit, which, surprisingly, doesn't mean I'll have a dozen kids:
People born in the Year of the Rabbit are articulate, talented, and ambitious. They are virtuous, reserved, and have excellent taste. Rabbit people are admired, trusted, and are often financially lucky. They are fond of gossip but are tactful and generally kind. Rabbit people seldom lose their temper. They are clever at business and being conscientious, never back out of a contract. They would make good gamblers for they have the uncanny gift of choosing the right thing. However, they seldom gamble, as they are conservative and wise. They are most compatible with those born in the years of the Sheep, Pig, and Dog.

Cool, for once that actually fits. Although, if I'm most compatible with Sheep, Pig and Dog, it could mean some serious differences in age. The closest a Pig gets is 1971 or 1983, so either someone four years older or eight years younger, while Dog is either '70 or '82. Sheep makes the most sense, the closest year being '79, and four years difference is pretty normal.

Wait, what am I saying? It's all hocus-pocus hoohah, so pfft! Dang Chinese and their cabs!

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Amazing Race by the minute

Stay tuned the next two hours as I live-blog The Amazing Race 6 finale, an end to a season featuring some of the most lovable and hated teams.

Last week the teams went to Shanghai and nothing happened, meaning, no one got the boot. We carry four teams over to the final two hour Race home and the prize. Here's who left and who is left, using the credit order:

Kris and Jon, a.k.a. Long-Distance (Too Cute!)
x - Lena and Kristy, a.k.a. Hot Blonde Mormon Sisters
x - Lori and Bolo, a.k.a. Wrestlers
x - Don and Mary Jean, a.k.a. Grandparents
x - Avi and Joe, a.k.a. Brooklyn Jews
Hayden and Aaron, a.k.a. Ayden and Haron
x - Gus and Hera, a.k.a. Father/Daughter
x - Jonathan, a.k.a. Sauron and Victoria
Freddy and Kendra, a.k.a. Old Navy
x - Meredith and Maria, a.k.a. Queens
Adam and Rebecca, a.k.a. Hellboy and Hellcat


9:12 - The teams are leaving the Pit Stop at 11:30 at night, so you now there won't be any trains leaving the rest of the night, meaning we're sure to get bunched up again (DRINK!).

Blech, Ayden (or is it Haron?) just said that she and Haron (or is it Ayden?) work well as a team. Um, yeah, sure, and tell me again who yells at her dude constantly? Bitch.

How come Hellboy and Hellcat didn't try to raise money until they got the clue? Other teams didn't wait to beg before this. Not like it doesn't take her like thirty seconds to convince tourists to fork over cash.

Yikes, it's a 17 hour train trip to Xi'an? Actually, this is a chance to get to know some of the teams, such as Hellboy calling Hellcat a "raging bitch" and seeing her expression. Gee, you think those two have a chance at a relationship after the show is over? No? Then what hope do any of us have?


9:20 p.m. - Guess what? You'll never believe this, but when the teams get to the tower for the next clue, they're all bunched up (DRINK!) until it opens in the morning. I know! That never happens on this show! (/sarcasm)

Detour! Paint a car or look through a scroll in a factory for Chinese words. All four pick painting the car, but first they have to find a taxi (which, we found out last week, is where pure evil is found in China). "We're at the mercy of this cab driver" is not a phrase you want to be saying in the final four.

Holy cow, last week Hellcat made a Shanghai Surprise reference, this week Hellboy pulls out Michael Keaton and Gung Ho. Can't they find at least one good 80s flick? Space Camp? Short Circuit? Top Gun? I totally have no respect for those two, yet they're first out of the Detour.

Terra Cotta Warriors Museum, life-size statues unearthed in an ancient tomb. Very cool archaeological find, even cooler than the pyramids for your tomb, should you be rich and powerful.


9:33 - Mind if I have a Hot Pocket and Pizza Rolls while doing this? Thanks. This is what happens when I work 11-7 today instead of 5-1, so I had time to go to the gym first. Now I'm strong! I'm fit! I'm still eating horribly!

Meanwhile, Hellboy and Hellcat are held up by a government motorcade, Haron and Ayden pass them despite being lost, Long-Distance (Too Cute!) is in third and closing fast and Old Navy is lost. Stupid commie cabbies. Wait, good commie cabbies, Haron and Ayden are lost again and last to the museum. Hellboy and Hellcat trick Kris and Jon, damning the Hellcouple to the eighth circle of Hell.

Kris and Jon still catch the Hellcouple at the shuttle to the next destination. Take that!

Haron and Ayden get out of the cab, throw a hissy, she says they need a new cab, when he says okay she wonders "where are we going to get a new cab?" and somehow he refrains from abandoning her for the Chinese slave trade.


9:44 - After the break ("rainy night in Georgia"), Hayden and Aaron are refusing to lose, while we all beg for it. She's all "I love you" and I'm all "dude, you're either the nicest guy ever or a masochist."

At Mount Hua, the Hellcouple and Long-Distance (Too Cute!) went to the wrong peak, so Old Navy takes over first place. The Roadblock is something about thousands of locks and keys and love and really what does one have to do with the other, without sounding like Al Bundy?

Hayden and Aaron are at the bottom, and now she's bitching at a bunch of nice Chinese girls who are trying to assist in their broken English and they're both threatening to quit. Please? Don't joke with me about this.

Meanwhile, Hellcat, Kris and Kendra are trying to open their locks, and because God is a loving God, Kris and Jon leave first while the other teams bemoan their good fortune. No, it's because they're good people and the other three teams make God angry.


9:56 - Like the haybales when the Hot Blonde Mormon Sisters were eliminated (pause and reflect that sad moment with me....please refrain from naughty thoughts (talking to myself)), the padlocks were blind luck.

Old Navy got their lock open second, and Haron and Ayden showed up as Hellcat still tried and failed.

Commercial: The Notebook wasn't terrible, but it wasn't great, either. Pure chick flick, but worth a rental if only for James Garner, one of the top ten actors. Ever.

(Changing clothes from washer to dryer ... what's the law on tears in underwear and tossing them out?)

We're back! Next is the Pit Stop, where Phil doesn't beat around the bush, "the last team to arrive will be eliminated."

Long-Distance (Too Cute!) is first! Glory reigns! The heavens approve! Unfortunately, there's one more leg left. **crosses fingers**

Old Navy's in second, which isn't entirely disagreeable compared to the other two teams, still going through the locks, now in Hellcat's third hour, while Hayden breaks her key and has to get another one. She does find the team to complain, but doesn't she always?


9:59 - Approximately ten seconds after Hayden declares she's quitting, Hellcat opens her lock. They still grab their clue and weirdly race the Hellcouple to the finish, but since they didn't finish the Roadblock they're assessed a four hour penalty. Bye! Get lost! Sayonara! LEAVE!

OH NO, HE IS NOT! Aaron just proposed to her on the mat? DOOOOOMED!!!!!!!!!! Now she's saying the Race made them "closer." Yeah, to becoming a serial killer!

Ugh. And that's the first hour. The final three head to the States next, while Hayden and Aaron stay in China and prove that the sanctity of marriage is on the outs.

10:13 - Okay, I'm back. I just had to pop some M&Ms like they were Percocets just to recover. It's all good now.

5:27 a.m. - Long-Distance (Too Cute!) gets their clue, telling them to get their attractive keisters to Honolulu and Wackalakadaka Point (or something like that).

Through some weird commie pinko law, the teams have to book tickets through a travel agent since they can't arrange international flights from the airport. Trying to keep locals from making a break for freedom? "How dare you travel to Hawaii to have a second child! To the gulag for you!"

Old Navy gets on the first flight out, to Osaka. Kris and Jon head to Tokyo. The Hellcouple is going to Osaka on a later flight, and should be a few hours behind. First though, they make fun of the language barrier by saying their cabbie has "three testicles" and smiling at him, to which he laughs and smiles back. Heh. Okay, I would totally do that, too.

In Osaka, Old Navy tries the "I have a sick child" routine but still can't get an earlier flight. The Hellcouple get to Osaka before Old Navy's flight is to take off, but for some reason the airline workers in Japan are big on making sure everyone has a meal in flight. So thoughtful, that you would have an extra bit of chicken jerky smothered in watery gravy with half a can of Sprite. (What's up with that, anyway? Give me the whole freakin' 12 oz can!)

By the way, do you ever wonder why the Racers are asking for two tickets on flights, when they really need a third for the cameraman? Or does CBS just buy a seat on every flight possible, just in case? Wouldn't you hate to be the accountant who has to arrange that financing!

10:23 - Hellcouple is refused, and Hellboy calls the attendant "really mean." Ooh, what a hardass! What's next, he'll tell her she can't join his super-secret treehouse club?

Old Navy gets to Honolulu at 9:30 a.m., Long-Distance (Too Cute!) fifteen minutes behind. Does anyone doubt that the Hellcouple won't end up even again eventually? Yeah, me too.

The teams hop in SUVs and haul tail to the Detour: Outfits and Outriggers. Drive ten miles to a clothing distributor and match up two among thousands of patterns, or drive six miles to paddle a canoe on a two-mile course. Paddle, people!

Kris and Jon pick the clothes, Old Navy goes for the canoe. Okay, the clothes aren't as bad as I thought, and Long-Distance (Too Cute!) leave first for the local airport.

Have I mentioned how I adore Kris lately? Seriously, a total babe and sweetheart.

Hey, don't judge! Give me some star to wish on. What are your Valentine's plans this weekend? Mine will most definitely involve no females, unless you count the checkout girl at Target who never looks at me as she scans my face cleanser, curtains, DVD and two-liter of Diet Cherry Coke.


10:39 - Roadblock! Time to tandem skydive into the ocean. Before the break it looked like Old Navy was lost, yet when we return they're even with Long-Distance (Too Cute!) as Freddy and Jon are on the same flight, with Kendra and Kris on boats waiting for them to splash down.

Daggum, that looks fun. I'd jump out of a plane even without someone having to toss a six-pack of Bud Lights out the door.

Off to the airport and a flight to Chicago, where we began so long ago.

Hellboy jumps out of a plane, and even gets a kiss from (braless) Hellcat afterwards. At least this time he didn't cry for his mommy like he did in Norway.

Old Navy and Long-Distance (Too Cute!) end up on different flights after the latter is told their flight is faster. Evil American attendants! Bad! Bad! Ye shall be tormented for such lies!

As a result, Kris and Jon are fifteen minutes behind Freddy and Kendra in the Race to the Old Water Tower. They end up on the same train, but I don't think Old Navy knows that.

It's too early for the show to end, so there's a task ahead, eating half a pizza. Awesome.


10:43 - Old Navy gets a cab first and to the pizza place while Jon and Kris take a few minutes to find a taxi (again with the taxis and these two?).

I don't think Kendra has ever eaten this much without throwing it up afterwards. Oh, wait, she's about to throw this up, too. She just said it's "disgusting." There goes that free trip to Chicago, joining Senegal, Ethiopia and China, all of which she insulted along the way. Wonder if she'll bemoan that people in Chicago "keep breeding and breeding," more and more fans of Da Bulls. Yeah, that is disgusting. Seriously. I hate the Bulls.


10:48 - Crap. Old Navy finishes their pizza before Long-Distance (Too Cute!) even arrives. Dang, because it's a taxi ride to the finish.

Freddy tries to get a cop to lead them to the park and the finish by saying it's an "emergency." Now that would be a first for the show, an arrest for a false report.

Once in the cab, the cabbie and his dispatcher can't find the park and the finish line. I think this is false editing to give us hope. Stupid producers.


10:54 - The Hellcouple is even bitching about their pizza. Apparently he doesn't eat tomatoes and she doesn't eat cheese. Egad. I'm Hellcouple Intolerant.

Freddy's handing money to the cabbie to run red lights, and Old Navy's on the run. Long-Distance (Too Cute!) is held up by a train, but it wouldn't have mattered.

As usual, the rest of the eliminated teams are at the finish line clapping for the winners. Now Kendra can go spend her half-million where no one lives in poverty and she can eat one carrot per meal. Hate.

Freddy gives the "I'm honored to have Raced you guys," speech, while she says he's "worthy of having (her) children." Oh, so they are worthy of breeding?

Caught by the train, the real winners, Long-Distance (Too Cute!), kiss and hug and SO deserve the grand prize. You know what, though? They won the hearts and minds of America, and will go farther in life. I hope they come back in an All-Star version of the show.

Not going far in life? The Hellcouple, far behind in third place. Hellboy talks about leaving his "comfort zone," which must be a barren chamber void of reality. Hellcat totally says how he'll be in her "heart," meaning, "I don't ever want to talk to you again, loser."


11:00 - Do I invest too much in this show? Does the Pope crap in the woods? No. At least, I don't think so. He might.

Anyway, want good news, "Amazing Race"-starved fans? The next season starts March 1, and one of the couples will be Boston Rob and Amber from Survivor. Sweet. That should be fun. Holy mackeral, another Racer is a pilot from the Atlanta area who was shot down and captured for a while during the Iraq war. I'm all tingly already!

Next week, Sauron and Victoria will appear on Dr. Phil's primetime special Tuesday the 15th, so here's hoping my guy keeps it real and slaps down Jonathan. No, really, literally slaps down the prick. Dr. Phil's a big guy.

Monday, February 07, 2005

Super recap

Okay, so I was a little too cocky about New England, and Philadelphia played a lot better than I expected. But I picked the winner if not the spread, and it was a decent game, although I was nowhere close to winning with any of my boxes from the work pool. A waste of six bucks. (Gambling? I'm shocked!)

Only a few commercials were worth remembering, though, led by FedEx's featuring the ten things people love about good ads. Burt Reynolds and a bear? Brilliant!

Did anyone else notice the ultra-lame "flip" of the coin at the 50-yard-line before the game? That little kid just threw it up off the back of his hand, and it didn't even rotate before hitting the ground! I swear I saw Tom Brady start to protest, but think better of it. Smart move, pretty boy. I would have had your back, but you would have lost that battle and been belittled by the media.

Is it wrong that I got bored with the rah-rah pageantry before the game and flipped to figure skating on ESPN? Kudos, though, for using the armed forces' chorus for the national anthem instead of some garish music "star." If it ain't Whitney circa 1991, it ain't special.

After the game and "The Simpsons" and "American Dad," I won the inner battle of ethics by watching the History Channel's "Who Wrote the Bible?" instead of "Bliss." Besides, the latter was a rerun. What? Who? How did I know that? Shut up! By the by, "Simpsons" blew and "Dad" had potential ... to suck. At least "Family Guy" returns this summer.

Head over to my main page (link on the right) for pictures from my trip to Louisville last weekend for Gabriel's fifth birthday. Also, I'm working on a review of Sideways, so stay tuned.

Sunday, February 06, 2005

Super Sunday

I woke up to a Super Bowl Sunday of 60 degrees and sunny skies, ready to drive around with the windows down and the CD sounding off upbeat tunes. I've never been one to sit on the couch all day and watch the pregame shows, so I decided to head outdoors and play some golf, spending two hours at the driving range this afternoon.

Even though it's been a month since I took my clubs out of the car, I was puring balls dead on like Tin Cup's tenth shot at the 18 of the U.S. Open. Let me tell you, few things are as frickin' sweet as when the guy next to you is hacking away with his cute girlfriend watching while I'm literally hitting the pin every other shot with my eight-iron from 160 yards. If he were 99 pounds, I would've kicked the sand on him from the bucket that's for refilling divots. We all have a little bully in us, although mine gives myself wedgies, not other weaklings.

Now I'm home, watching the Star Trek V DVD and starting to nibble on The Food. This Super Bowl Sunday, I’m starting a healthy tradition of eating carrot sticks and tofu burgers.

Hahahahahahaha! No, seriously, I’m having pizza, wings and chips with ultra-thick cheese dip (thank you, Pepcid!). Next year's game will be Super Bowl XL according to the Roman numerals, but I think it fits quite well every year considering the spread. (The food spread, I mean.)

In September I made my preseason picks and said New England would beat Green Bay. I'll get it half right. When there are two weeks between the conference championship and the Super Bowl, history tells us it will end in a blowout. New England will win, 41-10.

In our work pool (no, not gambling at all, I swear!) I paid for three boxes with the numbers later picked out of a hat once all signed up. My numbers are:
Patriots 8, Eagles 8
Patriots 9, Eagles 2
Patriots 6, Eagles 4

That last one holds out hope for a final score, but the other two are doubtful.

Saturday, February 05, 2005

Today is the first day of the rest of this blog

Today, no biggie. Saw Sideways, went to Walgreens, Target and Publix, came home and watched the DVD of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour Rides Again (Larry the Cable Guy is a frickin' genius!). Now I popped in one of the Mystery Science Theater 3000 collections, which should fill my evening nicely. And I made sure to get the shows with Joel, not the goofball loser, Mike, who replaced him a few seasons into MST3K. See, Crow and Tom Servo are funny, but if they can't bounce good material off a funny straight man (or actual human, as the case may be), the timing is off. Joel was that man.

I have to go back to Walgreens to pick up my pictures, but not right now. The two photo people who were there a couple of hours ago really scare me. There's a pale white girl who thinks she's from the ghetto, and a curly-haired four-eyes who seems to know everything about me and my family, a la Robin Williams in One-Hour Photo. If I wait until 11 p.m. or later, I only have to deal with the night manager, who's just happy to see a customer instead of having to unpack the Dr. Scholl's boxes.

Tomorrow: Super Bowl 39! No, I'm not going into the Roman numerals, because XXXIX just looks like the game is promoting a stripper show where couples are welcome. Not that I would know. Being naked is icky.

Friday, February 04, 2005

No, seriously, it happened. Here's more proof.

Still reveling in the Red Sox winning the World Series, as I will be an arrogant prick about it for 86 years, I bought both me and Dad a copy of Faith Rewarded - The Historic Season of the 2004 Boston Red Sox .

It’s produced by NESN (New England Sports Network), which broadcasts many of the Red Sox games, and covers whole season, not just the playoffs like the official World Series DVD, which I talked about here in December.

Do you realize that pitchers and catchers report soon, and we can ignore the NBA for another five months! Go Sox!

Jeff’s Carnival of Links 2/4/05

- Steve is just being silly and getting ready for Bartlett Baptist’s Souper Bowl this Sunday. No doubt it will be more productive than my plan to flip over to the Lingerie Bowl at halftime, since Paul McCartney is morally ethical and all, and no one wants to see his wardrobe malfunction.

- Brent says toodles to Sammy Sosa, who I think just hopes Baltimore has a better supply of cork.

- Jenn and I agree on something regarding someone in politics. In other news, did you see those pigs flying this morning?

- Wally is still getting back to life after the honeymoon, which I think is code for “No one told me she puts that crap on her face before bedtime.”

- John’s touching base with random yarns, like the one about how he saved a mother of seven from a horde of biker rapists in Cambodia. That’s actually not in there, but he’s too modest to include such a legendary tale of heroism.

- The busiest of all of these bloggers has been Eric, who got fleeced at Best Buy. Hey, could have been worse, Eric, they might have told you to file for a “rebate” that you’ll never actually get but looks nice in the advertisements. Whoever thought of that should burn in hell. I'm not kidding.

- In the Diet Chronicles, Rachel’s Operation Ass Loss enters month five and she’s not entirely satisfied with her progress. Join the club, sister.

Thursday, February 03, 2005

It's not not fun, either

A Marine general started a little brouhaha when he said this week that it was "fun to shoot some people."

A little controversial and un-PC, sure, but you know what? There are some truly twisted scum who need killin', and we need not feel bad that they're being planted six-feet under.

If only I'd be foretold

Today's fortune cookie: "You find beauty in ordinary things; do not lose this ability."

Dagnabbit, now you tell me not to lose it. I was walking across the street to work today and I misplaced my ability to find beauty in ordinary things. Now I scoff at ordinary things and get bored, and only find beauty in Thomas Kincade paintings.

Quote this

The latest quotable Vents posted in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution (registration required):

- So many football players have been arrested for possession of marijuana it gives new meaning to the term "hash mark."
- I have spoiled my child - does anyone have a spare rod?
- I bet no one leaves the room during this year's Super Bowl halftime.
- Has anyone ever felt like an incomplete idiot?
- If the (Georgia) Legislature really wants to reduce the number of divorces, it should outlaw “Cosmo” quizzes.
- If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them closer to my knees.
- There were more smiles in heaven when St. Peter announced, “Heeeere’s Johnny!”
- While watching football with your husband, do not refer to the uniforms as “little outfits.”
- While watching football with your wife, never remark on the “little outfits” the cheerleaders wear.
- Forget cellphones and televisions; what should be banned in cars is mirrors. Just drive! I promise you are just as ugly as you were a minute ago.
- I could care less about the cold and ice, but spring needs to get here so I can quit shocking myself every time I touch something metal.
- Why would anybody want to know more than one way to skin a cat?
- I want to thank all the scared Atlantans who bought all the bread, milk and eggs at the supermarket. I told my wife all I could find was beer, snacks and frozen pizzas!
- My best friend became addicted to country line dancing so bad that he had to enter a two-step program.
- I can’t wait to hear everyone complain about how boring the Super Bowl halftime show is this year.

Vents I Sent:
- Where's the minority voice in Congress now that a black woman and Hispanic man can't get an up-or-down vote for Secretary of State or Attorney General, respectively?
- When did it become wrong for a Secretary of State to fight for the president's ideals? I'm going to say around 2001.
- The sad thing is, no one would have said a thing if Prince Harry wore a shirt with a hammer and sickle and a beret like Che Guevera.
- Flu stockpiles are sure to go to waste? Didn't the Democrats say we were all going to die horribly from shortages last year?
- I can't believe such an extravagant celebration was held during a war and after the tsunami. And yet the Golden Globes went ahead as scheduled. (courtesy Debra Saunders)
- Are Democrats at all ashamed that one of their Senators leading the fight against the first black female Secretary of State is former Klansman Robert Byrd?
- What put a smile on my face this weekend? Seeing a car with Michigan plates skidding into a guardrail. Yankees know how to drive on the ice, my foot.
- After watching the confirmation hearings for Rice and Gonzales, it seems the only time Democrats “reach across the aisle” is to slap a Republican.
- Running for head of the DNC, Howard Dean said that he “hates Republicans.” Looks like the next four years will be as bitter as the last four.
- Bush lied! Fingers dyed!
- We were warned that Bush would turn Iraq into a puppet regime, but none of us suspected that he’d use actual puppets.
- If the insurgents in Iraq torture GI Joe, they'll have to answer to our highest authority, Bazooka Joe.

Swindler much?

Some of the leftist media (but I repeat myself) seem to think that last night’s hug between a dead soldier’s mother and an Iraqi was a big fake set up and the Bushitler cronies are all big fat phonies. Yeah, because the media is against symbolism, unless VP Cheney is wearing the wrong fashions and Dems gather ‘round FDR’s statue to announce they want all of my money forever and ever.

Do it for America! For Barbie!

Tuesday, the world was abuzz with news that terrorists in Iraq have kidnapped GI Joe.

Here with a Thanks For Noticing Me exclusive, evidence that Middle-earth is also under attack by Iraqi insurgents:


For Frodo.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Today's Headlines

EU Commission Proposes Ban on Mercury Exports.
Plymouth sighs, "Yeah, 'cause the Yugo, that's a classic auto."

NASA: Shuttle Committed to Space Station
Space Station: You've been hanging out with that whore lunar lander again, haven't you?

Sex Selling at Sundance
Bill Clinton announces surprise trip to Utah.

Former Nirvana Bassist Calls for Election Reform
Politicians point out the words to “Negative Creep”: I'm a negative creep and I'm stoned! … F***! Yeah! Drone! Stoned!

Illinois a unanimous No. 1
Indiana and North Dakota beg to differ

Cell Phone Market Could Reach 2 Billion in 2005
And annoy nine billion by 2006.

Test might detect Alzheimer's early
Scientists: Never mind. We forgot how the test works.

Qatar pursues tourism dreams
Wanted: Midget proficient in announcing plane arrivals. Must agree to wear white suits at all times.

Help, I've been Shanghaied!

It's the second-to-last The Amazing Race 6 update:

Last week, the Wrestlers got counted out at Phil's mat in Sri Lanka.

I have to admit, I stopped at Krystal and didn't get home until ten minutes into the show, but I know I didn't miss anything and some things never change because the first thing I see is the teams bunched together (DRINK!) in China, with Kendra saying, "Let's go down the ghetto street."

Sure, Kris walks over a minute later and says that the teams are "moving into the Harlem of Shanghai," but she's laughing and enjoying herself, whilest Kendra is a snotty spoiled model who probably requests her toilet filled with roses on shoots. I hope someday the intern leaves the thorns on the rose stems.

Okay, I watched the last fifty minutes, rewound the tape and can start anew.

Let’s check the list of teams left in the Race, using the credit order:
Kris and Jon, a.k.a. Long-Distance (Too Cute!)
x - Lena and Kristy, a.k.a. Hot Blonde Mormon Sisters
x - Lori and Bolo, a.k.a. Wrestlers
x - Don and Mary Jean, a.k.a. Grandparents
x - Avi and Joe, a.k.a. Brooklyn Jews
Hayden and Aaron, a.k.a. Ayden and Haron
x - Gus and Hera, a.k.a. Father/Daughter
x - Jonathan, a.k.a. Sauron and Victoria
Freddy and Kendra, a.k.a. Old Navy
x - Meredith and Maria, a.k.a. Queens
Adam and Rebecca, a.k.a. Hellboy and Hellcat

Did you notice that Brooklyn Jews have to stand next to a rollercoaster during their credits, and the Queens are relegated to bumping bums by the giant globe from the World's Fair? At least the Grandparents imbibe champagne, while all the rest cavort in their skimpy attire that in no way makes me drool when the Hot Blonde Mormon Sisters play in the water in their bikinis.

Yes, I'm 29.

On the way to the airport in Sri Lanka, Rebecca says she can't wait to get to China ever since she saw >Shanghai Surprise, starring Madonna and Sean Penn, which is far too depressing to acknowledge.

All four teams are together (DRINK!) getting to China, but quickly we find out that cabs in Shanghai are evil. They almost doomed Long-Distance (Too Cute!), for which Bush should immediately threaten nuclear attack. I'm not kidding. Dang drivers are a bunch of rude pinko commies. We'll target them first and cripple the infrastructure.

Before the first Road Block, Old Navy gets the Hellcouple back for Yielding them in Ethiopia, and we hear a lot of foreboding talk over whether they should have done so to Long-Distance (Too Cute!) instead, since they're far better competitors. It doesn't matter. Believe me. Don't be fooled.

I hate it when everyone bunches up at the end, because it pretty much says is that the best teams may not win since no matter how much they spread out during the leg of the Race, it doesn't matter.

What I didn't appreciate is when Haron (or is it Ayden?) gets to the Yield and sees what happened, and she gives the Nelson-from-The Simpsons' "Ha ha!" It's not your place, witch. Later she insists on Ayden (or is it Haron?) reading the clue out loud so Old Navy dude can hear, so obviously those teams are still in an alliance, which is absurd in the last couple of legs.

What was the only different thing about this leg? Long-Distance (Too Cute!) finally showed some anger after getting run in circles, very slowly, by all of their cab drivers. "It's not 'okay okay' ... Hey homes, you were taking us the wrong direction!" Heh. They're still so adorable when they're angry!

You know who isn't cute when angry? Haron (or is it Ayden?) She could make the Pope toss his cookies into that giant cap by listening to her constant carping. Just carry the fargin' bricks and shut the fargin' farg up! You all have to do it, so carry what you are able and stop yelling that your dude doesn't have enough.

Not that it mattered. This was a non-elimination leg. All that maneuvering for nothing. The Hellcouple survives. I may not if they don't go soon.