Monday, January 31, 2005

Jeff's Briefs 1/31/05

- What's the protocol if you walk out of a room all smiles from an entertaining conversation, and immediately pass someone who looks like you just blended their puppy and ate it?

- Iraq really is full of My Lai copycats! The horror! U.S. troops are like the SS!

- I know there’s a joke in here somewhere: Viagra may aid in the treatment of enlarged hearts. How about this: If you heart is enlarged for more than four hours, call a doctor. No?

- So now global warming is keeping the world from a new ice age. Keep that Taco Bell coming!

- There’s no link between cancer and your personality. Thank goodness. I can continue to be a smart aleck and still be healthy!

- Angry pilgrims in India stampeded: “We wanted Stove Top stuffing! And no cranberries out of a can that make that awful squishy sound!”

- Still think the inaugural protestors “support the troops but hate the war”? Stop thinking that. This is just for wacko tinfoil-hat wearing loons, right? Nope, Michael Moore said as much, too.

- Rolling Stone relented and is allowing an ad for the Bible to run, after initially refusing it. I wonder what changed their minds, the locusts, plagues or death of their firstborn?

- The astronauts in the International Space Station left the station unattended while they stepped outside. At first panic struck when one of them realized they locked the door with the keys inside, but a call to On*Star fixed the problem.
“Um, yeah, this is embarrassing, but I’m in orbit, and locked out. Help?”
“No problem, sir, the doors should open in a few minutes. Thanks for using On*Star’s Space Unit, available on all new Chrysler Space Stations, with the Every Radio Wave Makes It To You option.”

- It’s way past Christmas, and my birthday isn’t for another ten months, yet I was nearly driven to tears by the extreme generosity shown by Debbie Deborah Gibson by announcing she posed nude in Playboy.

Thursday, January 27, 2005

Three-for-one deal

I'm heading out in a few minutes for Tennessee, then Louisville for the weekend, as it's my nephew Gabriel's fifth birthday.

On the way, I'm leaving behind an epic review of action, adventure and romance, all three of which are encased in Elektra, House of Flying Daggers & A Very Long Engagement.


George Lucas released the text from the opening scroll of Star Wars Episode III Revenge of the Fans, er, Sith, and I have a major problem with one line: “There are heroes on both sides.”

Bzzzzt! Wrong answer, thanks for playing. Enjoy the iJeff Home Edition, full of naked midgets and jokes about Barbara Boxer.

George, the Dark Side is BAD, or else it would be the Pastel Side and Count Dooku would enjoy pottery and long walks on the beach.

The BAD GUYS are destroying the Republic, mostly with droids who wouldn't know the word “hero” unless it was programmed into them, which it probably isn't, so they get creative phrases like “kill all people.” Not heroic.

Is this an attempt to get the audience to sympathize with Anakin when he goes all bada** and murders the Jedi to rule the universe? Not happening. No equivalence. B-A-D.

UPDATE: Big brother, Scott, provides context, and proves why he had better drive this way mid-May to see Episode III with the rest of us:
At first I thought like you did...the separatist army
is made up of Count Dooku and droids. How can there
be heroes on both sides? However, the separatist army
is not limited to these factions...many worlds weary
of the Republic have left the Republic, so there are
armies from other worlds who are fighting, who have
nothing to do with Count Dooku, Darth Sidious, or the
dark side of the force, of the creation of the Empire.

Also, don't forget that it is from the ruins of the
Separatist army that the rebellion will be crafted.

So there you have it, there will be heroes on both

Jeff's Carnival of Links 1/27/05

- Steve’s all poetic and stuff about being transmorgrified, but should be on his toes lest he turn this kind of grotesque instead. Yeek.

- Brent is an Emmy winner. That makes me jealous. It makes him better than me. Of course, I’m not really sure how a TD/Director at Headline News is capable of winning an Emmy, but it doesn’t matter. He’s my hero.

- Jenn is flying high with Ringo Starr, superhero. Of course, after Sgt. Pepper, one can never be sure what kind of high we’re talking about.

- Wally and Julie finally got to take their honeymoon. Apparently alcohol was involved, which is funny since that’s usually the reason people get married, not afterwards. They have pictures, too.

- John has serious problems with Fox announcer Joe Buck. He’s not my problem right now; I tune him out most of the time. Instead I spent half the NFL Championship game making fun of Chris Collinsworth and three-fourths of the AFC Championship yelling at Phil Simms. With 13 minutes left in the fourth quarter, Pittsburgh down 34-17, Simms says it’s a good idea for the Steelers to kick a field goal. Phil, Pittsburgh is only fourth-and-goal from the three-yard line and they need two touchdowns! If they miss, at least New England has to start with their backs to the goal line. Now they’re still down two scores, 34-20, and New England puts the game away with a long drive. Earlier, in the third quarter, Pittsburgh had the ball on New England’s 40-yard-line in a fourth down situation, and Simms is telling the Steelers to punt! Note that Pittsburgh was down considerably at this point and gaining momentum.

- Eric has family values questions regarding Tennessee state senator and Memphis embarrassment John Ford. You have to admit, though, that if Harold Ford Jr. makes it as big as everyone thinks he could, uncle John will be more fun than Billy Carter or Roger Clinton!

- Rachel’s diet has so consumed her that she’s resorted to giving props to the French. Quick, get this girl a Twinkie, stat!

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Gold statues for everyone!

Time for Jeff’s Second Now-Annual Oscar contest!

Here's an easy form to check out the nominees. Feel free to email me your winners.

Here is last year's result:
(tie)Scott and Joe: 16
Me, Mom, Stacy, Stephanie: 15
Aunt Lynn: 12
Bill: 10

At first, I thought about the prize every year for last place being a DVD of the movie to win the Razzie for worst picture, but decided this was too much punishment.

The winner, meanwhile, gets a Blockbuster gift card, but there can only be one, so for the tiebreaker answer this:

Will Michael Moore jump from the roof to the red carpet during the pre-show, angered that his anti-Bush screed was rejected?

No, no, that's not the tiebreaker. Let's try this on for size instead: How many Oscars will "The Aviator" win out of its 11 nominations?

The Awards aren't until Feb. 29, so take your time! But hurry!

I will tally my own ballot as well and include myself in the results, but won't be eligible for the prize since you have no idea if I just marked my ballot while watching the show.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Tickets, please.

Last week: Ding, dong, Jonathan and Victoria are dead! Yee-haw! You know it’s good when Nana emails “I will join you in the dance of joy in seeing these two terrible people leave the show. Hiyii yippie tie ay.” I love her.

We’re in Ethiopia, which according to Old Navy chick Kendra says is a “good kind of poverty,” because the people don’t act all poor and breed and breed. You know, I may have prejudices about Africa being backward, but on national television I’m going to keep my mouth shut and be all happy-go-lucky and try not to look like a raging bigot.

Before the show airs, Phil reads a dedication over white text on a black background, saying the show was filmed in Sri Lanka before the tsunami killed everyone in the country, or something. So much for the element of surprise, eh?

Let’s check the list of teams left in the Race, using the credit order:

Kris and Jon, a.k.a. Long-Distance (Too Cute!)
x - Lena and Kristy, a.k.a. Hot Blonde Mormon Sisters
Lori and Bolo, a.k.a. Wrestlers
x - Don and Mary Jean, a.k.a. Grandparents
x - Avi and Joe, a.k.a. Brooklyn Jews
Hayden and Aaron, a.k.a. Ayden and Haron
x - Gus and Hera, a.k.a. Father/Daughter
x - Jonathan, a.k.a. Sauron and Victoria
Freddy and Kendra, a.k.a. Old Navy
x - Meredith and Maria, a.k.a. Queens
Adam and Rebecca, a.k.a. Hellboy and Hellcat

You see why I predicted Old Navy would get the boot last week? I didn’t have faith in a loving God to kick off Sauron, and for that I am sorry. This week’s prediction: Bye-bye, Hellboy and Hellcat.

1:16 a.m. – Haron and Ayden take a taxi to a charter to Addis Ababa airport and a stadium to get the next clue.

1:31 a.m. Wrestlers head out.
1:48 a.m. Long-Distance (Too Cute!) – All three first teams get the first charter flight.
2:13 a.m. Old Navy
2:30 a.m. Hellboy and Hellcat, the last two on the second charter flight, a half-hour later.

Old Navy chick is horking in the bathroom of the airport, which is so sexy for a model. She should be used to it, then, because bulimia is mega-cool!

At the stadium, it’s time to run a relay race, one lap apiece. “Run like you’re being chased by the police,” Bolo says. Lori has to go pee. Bolo has the strength, but not stamina.

Haron (or is it Ayden) tells us she used to run the 4x400 in college. Showing off she’s all “I can go in the inside lane, right?” Yeah, whatever, this isn’t the Olympics, babe.

Fly to Sri Lanka, which we all know is under water right now. Take a train, drive little three-wheel car, all of which are gone now. Off course, Bolo is calling the country “Sirika Lanka,” which doesn’t make any sense. Good thing it's not called the Geography Bee Race, or we'd never finish

At the airport they’re told there is only one flight all day to Sri Lanka from Ethiopia, via Dubai, at 2:30.

Meanwhile, at the track, Hellgirl smokes Old Navy chick, who isn’t just worried about stuff coming out of her mouth, if you know what I mean. Yuck. Old Navy dude has to haggle with taxi driver again, just in time for all five teams to gather up on the same flight and be together, again. (DRINK!)

At the airport, Hellgirl asks a taxi driver to go the train station by saying ‘choo-choo’ and making the sign of pulling the lever. Is that universal? Maybe not, because they’re the last to get a cab.

Meanwhile, all the cabs are driving the wrong way. It reminded me of Caracas back in ’94 when I visited Dad, and the cab driver avoided a traffic jam by riding in the median of a main road. I acted like our Racers, looking down with my hand in my face, terrified but amused all the same.

Kendra isn’t feeling well again, on one of the trains resembling the one rolled over in the tsunami that killed everyone on board.

Pack your bags, we're going on a guilt trip. The Hellcouple misses the 7:30 train and has to ride the 9. Hellboy acts all pissy (seriously, is anyone afraid of this dude?) at Hellcat, which doesn’t make sense. Repressed anger, much?

After the break, Hellboy says he wants to go back to the airport and quit. Hellcat calls him on it, calling a cab, and all of a sudden he doesn’t feel like leaving. He’s such an idiot.

The other four teams ride the tug-tug (why say it once when it’s fun to say twice!), a three-wheeled car/cycle to a lighthouse, which probably washed away in December, killing millions more. Detour! Their choices:

Tree Trunk: Ride a tug-tug to a coconut plantation, climb a tall tree, walk between trees to pick up sap; or Elephant Trunks: Ride tug-tug, ride elephant, play polo to score goal.

The Wrestlers, Long-Distance (Too Cute!) and Haron/Ayden climb the trees, which at least have little rungs for help. Old Navy rides the elephants to play polo. It’s easy, because there’s a guy directing the elephant.

Lori’s having problems, Haron (or is it Ayden) is teetering on the edge, Lori’s cable is in her crotch, and Kris is encouraging Jon, who equally encourages Kris when it’s her turn. I love these two. Every scene with Long-Distance (Too Cute!) getting all supportive and lovey-dovey is a "Chicken Soup for the Amazing Race Watcher’s Soul" moment.

Haron (or is it Ayden) keeps freaking out, afraid of falling, even though she’s wrapped in six cables to keep her safe. Suck. It. Up. I so don’t like her since the first week.

Now a bus to the city of Kandy (mmm, candy) and the Temple of Doom. Or not. But there’s a Buddhist monk dude waiting. I wonder if can get all kung fu on the teams like in the movies. Because everything in movies or on TV is real.

Turns out the elephant ride was more time-consuming, if easy. Still, Old Navy is way ahead of the Hellcouple, who just arrived at the train to get to the trees. She does it easily, and all of a sudden they’re lovey-dovey now that they feel they’re certain to be eliminated. What phonies.

The first bus to Kandy has Long-Distance (Too Cute!), Wrestlers and Haron/Ayden. Second is Old Navy, the Hellcouple in the rear. Doesn’t matter, because the producers made sure no one was punished for being stupid. This is really annoying.

Oops, and now the Temple is closed until 8:30 a.m., so guess what? Yeah, the teams are bunched up. Again. (DRINK!)

The monk in orange awaits the teams to make an offering so this monk can give their clue. Back on the bus to Dambulla, a tug-tug and Lion Rock for another clue. There aren’t any tasks for Races anymore, just run from one spot to the next.

Haron and Ayden, once again, can’t find a taxi, and end up getting passed as a result. She bitches, he tells her to stop. You know what I bet Aaron is regretting about now? According to their team bio he actually flagged her down in a Mexican restaurant parking lot to ask her out. I blame bad burritos.

The Hellcouple gets the only tug-tug driver who needs to drive slow and pull over for gas, so once again they’re in the rear. Where they should be. Isn’t the only time they ever finished in the top three of a leg was when they used the Fast Forward.

Road Block! “Strong legs and keen eyes.” Next to a big rock? I wonder what that means? Oh yeah, climb Lion’s Rock, spot an “Amazing Race” flag, climb back down, run to the flag, swim the length of a pool to the Pit Stop. A pool? Swim it? Why? Are they anticipating a swim to the finish?

Long-Distance (Too Cute!) is in first, Jon panting to the top.
Take your admission ticket, says the clue. We see Hellcat specifically ask Hellboy, “Do you have it?” Foreshadowing? No for Hellboy, but yes, since Old Navy dude and Lori forgot their admission tickets. Uh-oh. Hellcat and Kris are giggling while Lori says “freakin’” a lot when she comes down to get the ticket. Kris then comes over to Bolo and encourages “positive thoughts.” She’s so awesome.

And now, far in first, Long-Distance (Too Cute!)!!!! All wet, at that. I guess the pool was a good chance to see nipple shots of the women. Kris has a nice rack, by the way. Just sayin’.

Old Navy dude still passes Hellboy despite forgetting his ticket, and tells Old Navy chick, “That Adam’s such a nancy boy.” Heh.

In his bio, “Adam says his main motivation for doing THE AMAZING RACE is that after years of sitting on his couch watching the Race and saying, ‘I can do that,’ he wants to prove that he really can.” He cannot.

Haron and Ayden are in second, because the Hellcouple didn’t read the clue to swim the length of the pool, and Old Navy passes them as well for third. Hellcouple in fourth. In fifth are the Wrestlers, and Lori’s white shirt. Free nipple shot! (Shh, don't call the FCC. Let this be our naughty secret.)

This is an elimination round, so they’re goners. She blames him for not giving her the ticket, but they make up in a few seconds, all smiles once Phil gives Bolo a chance to say good things about her. How can she say mad at that? Phil’s the best, and note he didn’t give the same chance to Sauron.

Monday, January 24, 2005

Jeff's Briefs 1/24/05

- Memphis is where I’m from, and I’m even more proud now. A very creative town can come up with magnificent ways of avoiding jury duty other than “I think all guilty people should be forced to watch ‘Trading Spouses.’”

- When the new ginormous A380 Airbus aircraft, Euroweeniee leaders were calling it a "European success story" and vowing that it would crush the Boeing 747 that currently provides the most space. Apparently in order to do this they need to bully poor nations into buying the new superjumbo. And isn't "superjumbo" redundant? Why not just call it the new BigHuge airplane?

- Forget missiles and bread lines. What hath Communism wrought? Fat ballet dancers. We must rid the world of the Red threat, once and for all.

- This year’s prom fashions were apparently inspired by Larry King, all suspenders but no shirt underneath. I would be offended, but I’m too busy trying to figure out why girls didn’t wear this to my prom.

- “Choose Life” license plates in South Carolina are unconstitutional unless the state recognizes other viewpoints. I look forward to seeing what kind of person will have a “Choose Abortion” license plate.

- The U.S. is upping the reward for turning in Osama bin Laden to $50 million. Almost there. When it gets to $100 million, I’ll kick into action.

- My family has been circulating one of those questionnaires that gets you to answer basic and obscure questions (favorite smell, for instance), including which asks if you wish on stars. Surprisingly, only a couple of us do. I know I do, because I can use all the help I can get. Heck, I still kiss the top of the roof when I make it through a yellow light. I even speed to make it through a yellow so I can accumulate more luck!


Today's fortune cookie: "You have the ability to analyse and solve any problem."

Yeah, and I can also spell "analyze."

I know, I'm such a smart aleck.

Foggy Bottom

Today I debut a new feature, Jeff's Vacation Memories, to retread past glories and encourage re-reading of the travelogues.

Let's hop in the Way Back Machine to the 20th Century, Brazil in 1999, specifically my trip to Rio de Janeiro and the ascent up Sugarloaf Mountain. It is the most photographed natural landmark in the city and prominently featured in a fight scene in Moonraker between James Bond and Jaws.

Here's what we could have seen.

This is what we did see:

It’s not even fog. We’re literally in a cloud. As soon as our tram opened when we reached the summit, the temperature dropped twenty degrees, the wind picked up and visibility virtually disappeared.

Still, it made for a fun memory, eh?

Sunday, January 23, 2005

If the Left ran the First Amendment police

Continuing in the same vein from yesterday's post, the First Amendment according to the Left:

- Rolling Stone proves that the champions of free speech on the left cannot tolerate an ad for a Bible. What controversial message might the magazine be protecting its readers from? Read, and tremble with fear:

"In a world of almost endless media noise and political spin, you wonder where you can find real truth. Well, now there's a source that's accurate, clear and reliable. It's the TNIV -- Today's New International Version of the Bible. It's written in today's language, for today's times -- and it makes more sense than ever."

- Not only were the protesters at Thursday's inauguration against Bush, attendees of a peace rally expressed such with their fists.

UPDATE: Hey wow, what a shock, a group of Democrats who are related to a Congresswoman and were paid workers for the Kerry campaign, were charged with slashing the tires of vans to be used by Republicans on election day in Milwaukee. Really, I'm astonished.

The world pauses for seven hours

In line for the drive-thru at Wendy's last night, getting a bowl of chili and baked potato (no sour cream), the wind suddenly picked up something fierce. Seriously, out of nowhere dead leaves and limbs are flying around. It was one of those sudden winds where you expect God to start speaking, commanding you to smite the Pharisees. (Don't worry, they've got it coming to 'em.) Unfortunately, he did not tell me if the Falcons would win today or if New England would cover the spread.

Speaking of, my hometown Falcons take on the Eagles in a few minutes for the NFC title. To work off nervous energy, this morning I rearranged my bedroom. Now I've got my pizza (sausage and mushrooms from Papa John's), spicy buffalo wings (Publix), Tostito's chips (restaurant style) with Tostitos cheese dip (medium), and Diet Cherry Coke, so let's get it on!

(I think Joe Buck just called my food pageant a "disgusting display," but he can go suck a lemon.)

Feel better?

The latest quotable Vents posted in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution (registration required):

- The EPA may say Teflon is unsafe, but those charges will never stick.
- I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.
- Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
- There are few conditions that a cup of hot chocolate won't improve.
- The problem with obese Americans is that they've taken the Food Pyramid and made it round.
- For those of us who are diabetic, afternoon tea is a moment of Splenda in the glass.
- I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
- Hearing a Waffle House customer saying, "I'd like to try a grit, please," is my real-life Yankee alert.
- Golden Globes is an appropriate name for some of the revealing dresses worn at the awards show.
- I have learned the most embarrassing question a teenage daughter can ask is, "Daddy, why are you watching that stupid Olsen twins movie again?"
- If a guy doesn't pay his exorcist, can he be "repossessed"?

Vents I Sent:
- This isn't a beer belly, it's a potato chip catcher.
- Why isn't there a light in the freezer?
- Liberals have their panties in a twist over the cost of the inauguration, but how much could be saved for charity if Hollywood would cut costs on extravagances and clothing for all these award shows and elaborate gifts for presenters?
- If Jimmy Carter won’t go to Iraq to monitor the election, maybe some of those folks who volunteered to be human shields before the war will head over and protect the polling precincts?
- If this was 1865, today's Democrats would have whined about Lincoln's inaugural address that "'Malice towards none and charity for all' is a nice slogan, but it is not an exit strategy."
- The heckler during Bush's inauguration speech is a typical liberal for whom freedom of speech means the freedom to shut you up.
- I'm still waiting for the evolutionists to figure out what existed before the Big Bang.
- Hollywood liberals couldn't be reached for comment on the lavishness of the inauguration because they were being fitted for gowns and jewelry worth millions for award ceremonies and parties.

We attack you in the name of peace!

Explain to me again how the anti-war Left is "for the soldiers but against the war," when they protest an Army recruiter so much that he needs an escort for doing his job.

In the same vein, did you hear the heckler yell out when Bush spoke of unity in his inauguration speech? Just a typical liberal for whom freedom of speech means the freedom to shut you up.

Saturday, January 22, 2005

They're prettier than you are

How women watch E! Fashion Police following the Golden Globes:
What a great necklace ... Her hair is totally the wrong color ... That guy needs a tighter suit ...
How men watch the show:
Big boobies ... small boobies ... Yowza! Look at that butt! ... *drool* ...

Friday, January 21, 2005

Thin Mints are better than political idealism

I know that the Girl Scouts are a bastion of liberal feminist hooey nowadays, but I just had to buy a couple of boxes when a co-worker passed a list around to pledge and buy cookies for her "spouse's" troop.


Mind if I toss in a couple of personal complaints? Thanks for the indulgence.

I get packages all the time from buying stuff on the Internet, because doing so makes me feel like I'm accomplishing something with my life and it guarantees interaction with those people-like persons, since big boxes are usually left in the apartment complex's leasing office.

Last week I was left a note saying that the Post Office left something for me, but when I went to the leasing office they couldn't find it. Even though the postal worker entered my package into the log, the leasing dude tells me that they must not have gotten it at all. Yeah, right. The postal person just entered my package for the heck of it.

Want to know what the package was, and why I'm miffed? Thought you'd never ask. It was a copy of the Oct. 28 Boston Globe. You know, the one WHERE THE RED SOX WON THE WORLD SERIES? Oh, and included was a copy of the Sports Illustrated from the following week featuring the happy-go-lucky Sox on the cover. Thanks a bunch, folks. Today I went to the local Post Office to see if they had it, and I was given a number to the distribution center, because you can never get the run-around too much.

Second, one of my neighbors has decided that everyone in my complex is still in college, awake until 5 a.m. and prefer listening to music with as much bass as possible. Problem is, I can't figure out if it's my upstairs neighbor or the apartments behind my bedroom wall, because the thumping seems to come from all directions. Last night at 3 a.m. I even went outside and checked the windows to see whose lights were on, and still couldn't figure it out. Darn kids and their music!


This clip is hands down the funniest thing I've ever seen and heard on the Internet, a satire of real life vs. the world wide web. Seriously, it had me in tears and struggling to breathe. In a good way.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Jeff's Briefs 1/20/05

- Today’s fortune cookie: “You have a potential urge and the ability for accomplishment.” Well, yeah, I have a lot of urges, some positive, some creepy. As for the ability for accomplishment, if I act on some of urges, nothing will be accomplished!

- Does anyone else get queasy when they lay the back of their brain-holders on the headrest of the theater seat? What if the person before you had, like, lice, or smallpox, or is a fan of "The Simple Life?" Yup, that did it, now you're going to bring disinfectant, admit it.

- Can someone explain to me these faucets (previous faucet vent; I don't know why I'm on this kick) where they don't turn off when you turn the lever all the way back? You have to perform some sort of circus-like precision to keep the levers straight enough that the water stops pouring. Is it a test to see if you're bathroom worthy? When the next person walks up I want to push them aside, bawling, "I just got this perfect, and you won't mess it up!"

- “Psychologists at Harvard found that they could increase the attraction between male and female strangers simply by encouraging them to play footsie as part of a lab experiment.” In another study, published in the journal Studies That Make You Go Duh: The Pope? He’s Catholic.

- The Pentagon revealed some of the creative weapons it thought about developing in the 90s, including an "aphrodisiac" chemical weapon that would make enemy soldiers sexually irresistible to each other. Word is that Carson Kressley was involved, but it was scrapped when none of the officials could figure out anything for Jai to do.

- I’m more offended at the self-righteous criticism against Prince Harry’s Nazi costume than I was ever disappointed that the royal brat wore it in the first place. Actually, the kicker came for me when he wore blackface to an Al Jolson costume party the next day.

- Luckiest. Frog. Ever.

I pledge allegiance to the war criminal

What do you mean that the protestors along the inauguration parade route weren't rounded up and put in concentration camps? What good is it to be part of Bush's thuggish AmeriKKKan theocracy if we can't stifle dissent?

Carnival of Links 1/20/05

The latest antics from those whom I like enough to list on my site …

- Steve 2K5 is out and early reviews declare it the best upgrade ever. Also, don’t miss the pictures and video of Austin’s baptism this past weekend. Congrats to the Russell abode!

- Brent is apparently living his pre-middle age crisis through Steve Martin. Dude, you’re not even done with the Quarterlife Crisis yet. Personally, my Quarterlife Crisis is merging with my middle age crisis.

- Jenn is wishing she would have cashed in on this indie film called Star Wars. You might have heard. It was in all the papers.

- Eric is, um, happy(?) that the IRS is allowing free filing on their site?

- In the latest edition of Rachel’s Diet Chronicles, the bad food is fighting back.

American Idiots

Admit it, the best part of watching these early shows of "American Idol" is the rubbernecking facet, like watching a train wreck into a semi that just plowed into a school bus. In one hour alone I think there were fifteen instances where I trembled, "This can't end well."

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Almost like us, but not really

Paleontologists working in Ethiopia have discovered the remains of at least nine pre-humans. The scientists could tell they were related to homo sapiens from their small, blunt teeth, vegetarian diet, and "America Needs Dukakis" campaign buttons.

Amazingly Awesome Race!

Two weeks ago, using my non-scientific reasoning, I predicted the next to go would be Old Navy. Let’s get it on!

Last week in Corsica the teams ran around a lot but ended without an elimination. Personalities remained the same, with Ayden and Haron getting on each other’s nerves, Sauron yelling at Victoria and Long-Distance (Too Cute!) continued to shine, both in the game and in life.

12:12 a.m. – Hellcouple in first after taking the Fast-Forward. Being on an island, the teams have to take a ferry to the mainland and off to Nice, France. Of course, the ferry doesn’t leave until 11:30 a.m., so the teams will bunch up again. (DRINK!) Unbelievable. Good job on putting the teams on an island, producers, guaranteeing yet again that performing well is never rewarded.

When the Grandparents were stripped of money in Senegal, the other teams ponied up. No one volunteered this time to help Ayden and Haron, who nevertheless begged successfully to make the ferry and have some extra spending money. Maybe to buy a souvenir. An official French white flag, maybe?

In Nice the teams find a statue, and back to Africa! Off to Ethiopia and Addis Ababa. On the taxi, Hellgirl is already talking about how poor and impoverished the country is. Old Navy chick says the same thing, saying the country will be “depressing.” Heh. Nothing like a bit of optimism on the way!

The first travel agent tells Sauron that her computer is “down.” I’m thinking that with his attitude, the agent “accidentally” pressed ctl+alt+del. “Oh, I’m sorry, the computer just shut down.”

Old Navy chick tells us that the Wrestlers butted in front, and she’s tired of their ‘childish antics.” Huh? Where did this come from? Last week Old Navy dude said the Wrestlers were idiots, right about as they passed the models.

At the airport, we finally get separation, with teams spread out in European airports. Hellgirl helps out Long-Distance (Too Cute!), and Hellboy bitches to her. Her response? “I hate being with you” and “You are very abusive.” She compares him to Sauron, which hasn’t been evident one bit. What’s her deal? That’s like comparing Hillary Duff and Lindsay Lohan. So different it’s obvious, you know? If anything, she’s always verbally abusing him, like that snotty Hillary always trying to rain on Lindsay's party parade.

Most of the teams are on the same flight from Rome – landing in Addis Ababa and signing up for a charter flight to Nowheresville in the morning, with the Hellcouple, Wrestlers and Sauron/Vic on the first flight, Long-Distance (Too Cute!), Old Navy and Ayden/Haron on the second a few minutes later. Thus, no advantage and they’re all together again. (DRINK!)

Again, Sauron tries to recruit a local guide, but fails at first and then flags a guy down on the road by wagering his soul. Meanwhile, Old Navy chick proves her idiocy again by noting, “It’s a different kind of poverty. It’s like people choose to be this way.” Oh dear.

The teams take a taxi to Lewz Village for a Detour: They can either carry a thatched roof to a small house and place it on top or cover a hut in mud. Most choose the mud, but it seems like running 2/3 of a mile with the roof would be simpler. Hellcouple, Long-Distance (Too Cute!) and Ayden/Haron are the only teams to carry the roof and leave first.

Now they have to take two donkeys to St. George’s Church, and we all know how obstinate braying asses can be.

When putting on the mud, Victoria cuts her hand and starts freaking out, screaming like her hand was cut off. Meanwhile, Sauron continues his work. Turns out, Vic just had a little boo-boo with barely any blood, yet she ends up with a bandage the size of Rosie O’Donnell’s diaper. While they look for the donkeys, she’s carrying both bags while he’s just in his undies. My eyes! Must. Forget. Image.

Along the way to the church, Old Navy chick starts struggling to breathe. Some kids help out and carry her pack. You think they’ll take it back when they hear her insult their “depressing” country on the show later? All these kids speak English better than the Wrestlers, too. One adorable girl keeps talking to every one in order, saying “hello.” Precious.

Road Block! One team member has to make their way down into the church and search among one-hundred worshippers to find one with a certain pendant. Not physically demanding, so I would imagine women would do it. Except Sauron, since he only takes care of the easy ones, because he’s evil.

Yes! Sauron and Vic only brought one donkey, not two! We are helped by a loving God! They’re doomed!

Whoa, what? Hellcouple just Yielded Old Navy when asked by Sauron! Hellcouple is working against all that is good and holy! They are affiliated with evil! They shall be punished! For a start, Hellboy goes to the wrong place to look for the worshippers.

The Pit Stop is a walk down the road to Lalibela Lookout.

First place, Ayden and Haron, after finishing last and being saved by the non-elimination round last week. All smiles. For the first time since week one. Wrestlers are in second place, and are told by Phil that they smell awful. Heh. Third place is Long-Distance (Too Cute!). Please win.

Back at the church, Old Navy chick wants to know what’s up with Hellgirl, and she brushes her off. Hellboy is still looking for the worshippers, even behind Old Navy dude now. Thankfully, Sauron and Vic are still bringing up the rear while Hellboy starts some sort of high-pitched whine to no one about nothing in particular.

Fourth place, Old Navy, in spite of the Yield. Take that, Hellcouple, and your fifth-place finish. Ooh, Hellgirl isn’t wearing a bra. I see nipplage!


Seriously, I might cry from joy.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Sore Loserman redux

Yesterday John F’ing Kerry made the argument that Democrats have been making since the Republicans won control of Congress in 1994: The left is losing not because of their policies but because of Republican dirty tricks. I guess it makes the liberals feel better, and I encourage them to continue along this path since it will only lead to more conservatives running governments around the country as the Dems’ delusions keep them unchanged in thought and actions.

Kerry said that he decided not to challenge the election results, but "thousands of people were suppressed in the effort to vote." What a nice guy. Why, he must be thanked for saving democracy by not fighting for his voters’ rights.

Kerry continues: "Voting machines were distributed in uneven ways. In Democratic districts, it took people four, five, eleven hours to vote, while Republicans (went) through in 10 minutes -- same voting machines, same process, our America."

Think about that. If it’s true (which is doubtful), then Kerry is saying that districts run by Republicans are well-organized so that more Red Staters are getting in and out quickly, while districts run by Democrats are so piss-poor organized that the Blue Staters have to wait in line while the people running the precinct try to get their act together. So it’s not that Republicans are so stupid they’re duped by Chimpy McHitler, it’s that his own Democrats are so inept that the left-wingers can’t place their votes.

In the year 2000, Florida was so close that the Democrats are still crying that Gore should be president. In 2004, Bush carried Florida easily, so you have to think that the whining of the liberals had the opposite effect than they intended. This year, Democrats moaned that Ohio was stolen even though Bush won by well over 100,000 votes. In 2008, you think the GOP will have any trouble carrying the state again?

UPDATE: If anything, there are too many votes coming from Democrat-run polling places.

MORE UPDATE: For those of you who noticed that Kerry was one of two (the other being Cali nutjob Barbara Boxer) who voted against Condi Rice being approved for Sec. of State by the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, the phrase you're looking for is "sour grapes."

Today's funny: It's all in the wording

A priest and a pastor from local churches stood by the side of the road, pounding a sign into the ground that read: "The End is Near ... Turn Yourself Around Now, Before It's Too Late!"

As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"

From around the curve, they heard screeching tires and a big splash. The pastor turned to the priest and asked, "Do you think the sign should just say, Bridge Out"?


Monday, January 17, 2005

Reserving his place

Sunday was a happy and momentous day for the Russells Abode, as Austin was baptized. Head over for the video and pictures, and congratulations, little buddy!


Let’s take a look at my predictions for the playoffs this weekend, reminding myself why I don’t gamble on sports.

I picked all the winners, but only got one game correct using the spread, which is sort of required when gambling:

Pittsburgh 20, NY Jets 17. The Steelers were favored by 8 ½, and I said they would cover. WRONG!

Atlanta 47-17 over St. Louis. I said the Rams would finish within the seven-point spread favoring the Falcons. WRONG!

Philadelphia 27, Minnesota 14. The Eagles were favored by 8 ½, which I said the Vikes would fall within. WRONG!

New England 20, Indy 3, covering the two-point spread as I predicted. CORRECT!

Eric gets a head start on next week and even the Super Bowl, giving the Falcons a chance against Philly but not in the title tilt. Boo!

It's illegal to go against your team, so I'm picking Atlanta to win, too, but they'll play New England in Jacksonville after the Pats demolish the Steelers this weekend.

Trailer Park 1/17/05

Pooh's Heffalump Movie - A Winnie the Pooh flick is coming to theaters in February, and not once in the entire preview - NOT ONCE - did we see or hear Eeyore. That's a traveshamockery!!!!

Hitch: The Cure for the Common Man - Will Smith is a date doctor for loser men in what looks to be a sure Valentine's Day hit. Of course, this means that I’ll have to wait a couple of weeks, since I’ll be barfing at the lovey-doveyness around me that weekend. (Can you believe I'm single?)

Batman Begins - This isn't the Batman flick we got in the 80s and 90s. Back to the dark roots, this one stars Christian Bale as Bruce Wayne with Liam Neeson as his mentor in what looks like the Himalayas studying Eastern philosophy. I didn't care for the movies after Batman with Keaton and Nicholson, but from the look of this there is something to look forward to.

The Pacifier - Navy Seal Vin Diesel protects a family of women and a baby. Hilarity, uh, is supposed to ensue, but not in the trailer. Looks dumb and clich├ęd. Look at the big lug changing a dirty baby! Ha ha! Seriously, this must be stopped. Do NOT let this be released, I beg you, because the consequences to the balance of the universe could be dire.

The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Did you know that a sci-fi classic is coming to the theaters next May? No, not that movie. I've never read "Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy," but hey, I'll try out the movie. The teaser features "What a Wonderful World," as the planet explodes and the words "Don't panic" come up. Obviously they're letting us know this is a funny movie, too. I always found the destruction of mankind to be a source of great amusement. As long as I'm the one pushing the button. Bwahahahahahaha!

Robots - From the makers of Ice Age comes the most unfunny preview purporting to be for a comedy since Schindler's List. Much of the focus is on Robin Williams' one-liners, most of which would have been a lot funnier when he was on a coke bender. Now they're lame.

Constantine - Keanu "whoa" Reeves in yet another religious thriller. BUT, this one also stars Rachel Weisz, a.k.a. future Mrs. iJeff. Bonus.

Fantastic Four - Another comic, although this one is more well known and I think the fanboys are on the prowl to make sure it's done right. I don't know, but what I do know is that the trailer doesn't make me excited at all. Three of the heroes look too young and pretty to care about, and the action is spliced together so much that I have no idea what's going on.

Acidic freedom

Only got about four hours of sleep last night. I woke up at 7:30 with a bad case of acid reflux. Guess I should have taken another Pepcid before those last three pieces of pizza at midnight, eh? Then again, none of this weekend's nourishment were good for the stomach: Wings, bagel bites and chili on Saturday, pizza, breadsticks and chips&salsa while watching football on Sunday. The rest of the week I may have to stick to carrots and vegetable soup while working out six hours a day, especially since the Falcons won and I'll eat sloppily next Sunday as well.

Or, I may go downstairs to Wendy's and buy a bacon cheeseburger. I think Dr. King would want it that way, and after all, it's his day, am I right? I dream of a day when all food is treated equal, and fattening foods aren't relegated to the trash bins of history just because they aren't healthy. Amen.

*(Dodging lightning.)*

Sunday, January 16, 2005

Life on Mars

THIS is how a guy shops: I woke up at 11:30 a.m., took a shower, drove to Target, bought sneakers, slacks and a movie (new Fifth Element special edition), had time to go get a pizza at Papa John's, and still got home by 1 o'clock in time for the kickoff of the Vikings-Eagles playoff game.

And now for something completely different ...

I hate that commercial where the guys are watching football while the women stew in the kitchen. Why aren't these chicks making chili and Rotel dip, anyway?

But I digress.

The point is, the theme that "scent is the sense best tied to memory" is true. While on my brief shopping excursion alone, I caught a whiff of a couple of things that brought back some good memories, first of working at the FedEx hub, unloading planes in the middle of the night.

The second odor reminded me of paint-by-numbers, which I don't even know if are sold anymore. Always a way to spend a few quality hours, I got to feel all artistic with my successful filling in of the right browns (3) and reds (5) on an autumn forest. Of course, if I had to draw and paint from scratch, you wouldn't be able to tell if it was a forest or a still-life of rotting fruit. Then again, have you seen the rubbish that receives attention nowadays?

Ha! I kill me!

Today's Sunday funny, courtesy, the bad pun of the month:

A musician who joined an orchestra on a cruise ship was having a terrible time keeping time with the rest of the band.

Finally, the bandleader said, "Look, either you learn to keep time or I'll throw you overboard. It's up to you - sync or swim."

The queue forms here for the Michael Vick Experience

Suddenly, following the Falcons win Saturday night, there are a whole lot of Vikings fans in Atlanta! Go Minnesota, beat Philly, and we get a home game next Sunday for the NFC title game, an excitement not felt in this town since the Falcons made it to the Super Bowl in the '98 season.

And the Crusades were a thousand years ago

You know those people who try to equate the terror committed by Muslims today by suggesting that Hitler was Christian and thus all Christians are capable and even guilty of atrocities? It's a bunch of hooey:
Avvenire said Hitler feared the Pope would be an obstacle to his plans for global domination and because the dictator wanted to eventually abolish Christianity and impose National Socialism as a sort of new global religion.

Saturday, January 15, 2005

Vent: (v) To express (one's thoughts or feelings, for example), especially forcefully

The latest quotable Vents posted in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution (registration required):

- I had a life once, but then I got a computer and a modem.
- You know you are getting old when “getting lucky” means finding your care in the parking lot.
- You know you are from Alabama when you’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
- We child-proofed our house, but they’re still getting in.
- As you write that check, just remember that next time an earthquake strikes California, no one in Asia will care, much less send assistance.
- What’s the difference between a Democrat and a puppy? A puppy stops whining once it grows up.
- But it's not fair to get paid what you're worth! I should get paid what I need.
- Is the U.N. helping California with flood relief donations?
- Neighbors: Your teen's new cellphone broadcasts over my baby monitor. P.S. -- Your kids are stupid.
- I have a great idea for a reality show. Let's take all the producers for all the reality shows and put them on a desert island. That's it. That's the end of my idea.

Vents I Sent:
- I'm of the mind that the same person who designed those cursed low-flow toilets also came up with the faucets that barely edge out over the sink so that I can only wash one finger at a time.
- Has anyone ever been able to curl up the toothpaste on your brush as perfectly as in the commercials?
- Yeah, war is a waste. It certainly never solved anything like, say, slavery, fascism, communism or colonialism.
- If "war is not the answer," then is the question, "How do we make sure dictators get a free pass to oppress for life?"
- Anyone want to make a bet that none of these left-wing devotees were asking President Clinton to tone down his 1996 re-election inauguration? Think they would have asked Kerry for a low-key party if he had been elected?
- I'm only 29 and don't expect Social Security to be around by the time I retire, so I can only curse the AARP for playing fast and loose with their grandchildren's future.
- Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. (From an email)
- I've never bought anything because of an ad, but I have avoided a product or service because of a terrible or offensive commercial.
- Are you supposed to get in the shower from the back or by the showerhead?
- This might just be a guy thing, but shampoo-plus-conditioner is the Greatest. Invention. Ever.

Friday, January 14, 2005

That's no moon ...


Or Gothmog from Return of the King?

You decide.

Then again, that face in the upper right looks like Bob Marley.

Jeff's Briefs, 1/14/05

- A probe is giving us the first pictures of channels on Saturn’s moon, Titan, surprisingly similar to cracks on Uranus. (You knew I was going there. Don’t act so self-righteous.)

- Ohhhhh, it’s “Nobody doesn’t like Sara Lee.” I thought it was “Nobody does it like Sara Lee.” Frankly, mine’s better. Kind of like when I thought Alzheimer’s was “Old Timer’s Disease.”

- More proof that cockroaches will outlive us all:
Gases from insecticide foggers detonated in a Jersey City woman's home yesterday, blowing out windows, singeing furniture and leaving her homeless last night.

- A federal judge here in Atlanta has ruled that my county, Cobb, can no longer put stickers on biology textbooks that say evolution is a theory, on the basis that it violates the namby-pamby left’s “separation between church and state.” Now I may be misreading, but pray (oops, sorry) tell me, where does the word “God” appear in the text of the sticker?:
"This textbook contains material on evolution. Evolution is a theory, not a fact, regarding the origin of living things. This material should be approached with an open mind, studied carefully and critically considered."

- Remember how the media and the left-wingers (but I repeat myself) were freaking out over the “flu shot shortage” last fall? Once again, something was blown out of proportion for the sake of scaring the general public: ”N.E. pushes to find takers for flu shots; Remaining vaccine could go to waste”. (Link courtesy Now, if sharks had attacked O.J. in the courtroom and stolen the flu vaccines to inject into bovines with mad cow disease, we’ve got a media frenzy!

- A bootleg DVD that compiles amateur video footage shot during the tsunamis in Asia is sending pansy tourists into a snit, and the government banned the business. Of course, that doesn’t mean CNNFOXMSNBCABCCBSNBC, every local network in the U.S. and around the world will stop showing every available video of the tragedy, nor will they abandon advertising. Seriously, people, get your panties out of your crack (again with the crack jokes?). Don’t like it, don’t buy it! Personally, I have DVDs made by CNN following 9/11 and another from Steve of WMC’s coverage of a freak storm that ravaged Memphis in July 2003. Neither caused me to ball up in the fetal position and suck my thumb. Blind dating, however, does have that effect, so please don’t sell any DVDs of that without my authorization.

- Speaking of tragic deaths, scientists have calculated the odds of dying and concluded that tsunamis probably won’t kill people in Wichita. Of course, your odds of being killed while run over by a tractor increase in Kansas. Unfortunately, the results are definitive for other causes: There’s a 100 percent chance that everyone will end up as flower food.

- Kraft is going to stop targeting ads to kids for sugary confections of gold like Oreos. They will not, however, stop advertising their Crack Jell-O towards adults, and frankly I think we’re all better for it.

Always bet on Jeff's penny-pinching

This weekend, using the NFL playoffs as our guide, let’s figure out why Jeff never gambles on sporting events. Using Sheridan’s odds on USA Today’s site, I’m going to forecast what and why I’m picking a team, although without any actual money (what’s that?) being wagered.

New York Jets at Pittsburgh. The Steelers are favored by 8 ½, which I think they’ll cover. The first time these teams played, Pittsburgh won 17-6 on Dec. 12, so you could be lured into thinking that New York will be even more inspired, but you’d be wrong. When Pittsburgh is forcing the issue they’re really, really good, including routs over the Patriots and Eagles over successive weeks. The Steelers will win, big, like 27-10.

St. Louis at Atlanta. This is tough, because as an Atlanta resident I’m used to seeing the hometown team falter more than succeed. Yet, the last time I doubted them in this situation, they went to Green Bay and won two years ago. Atlanta is favored by 7, and while the Michael Vick Experience is going to win, it won’t be by more than that. St. Louis covers, but the Falcons win, 24-21.

Minnesota at Philadelphia. The Eagles are favored by 8 ½, which is too much considering they have barely tried to win the last few weeks, and didn’t play well before T.O. got hurt, either. Philly wins, but Vikes cover, 30-28.

Indianapolis at New England. I usually pull for the Patriots since I like a good dynasty, but I’d really like to see Peyton win a title. The Patriots are only favored by 2, which seems low considering they’re the defending champions and are playing at home. New England is tired of seeing Peyton’s mug on the TV, so the Pats cover, 20-14.

By the end of the weekend, I think we’ll all know why I don’t gamble.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

From the Dawg Pound

Steven slipped me a couple of pictures taken on his Sidekick from THE Union University, where he's doing color commentary for the basketball tilts tonight.

First up, a familiar sight to any alum, Fred Delay Gymnasium.

Next up, a sly shot taken with our mentor, Mr. B., during pregame warmups for the women's game.

p.s. Just perusing the Union site, is it a bad thing when the mascot is on the cover of the cheerleading page?

Jeff's Carnival of Links 1/13/05

- Steven proclaims himself Anti-Calipari, which until now had only been widespread in parts of Massachusetts, New York and New Jersey. Steve is also heading to our alma mater, Union U., tonight to do color commentary for the basketball games. Hopefully he’ll post about it when he gets back, unless he’s been fined and/or jailed by the FCC for slipping out a curse word or ten during the live broadcast.

- Pack your bags; we’re going on a guilt trip. The prodigal blogger, Brent, makes his return with the bold return message: “I'm actually not sure anyone really missed the almost daily updates.”

- Meanwhile, big brother Wally has other things on his mind, counting down the days until he and Julie can finally take their honeymoon. Yeah, mon!

- Jenn is bored. Hey, babe, it’s January, we’re all bored to tears on the post-Christmas/New Year’s low.

- John has a warning for Carlos Beltran now that he’s a Met: Turn around.

- Eric is joining forces with the anti-Wal*Mart brigades, and to that I say, “hey, this Rocky DVD is only $7.50! Yes!”

The love handles make me sexier

"Women More Emotional About Body Image Than Men--Brain Study" -- headline, Sydney Morning Herald, Jan. 6.

I’ve also heard of a study about bears going No. 2 in the woods.

(Link courtesy

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Irony 101

An Amish boy was electrocuted trying to remove a power line that got tangled in his horse-drawn buggy's wheels.

Racing in place

Previously on The Amazing Race, CBS shilled for AOL, the Wrestlers came back, Old Navy Dude freaked out, spicy soup left everyone (plus me) wretching and the Father/Daughter team went the way of the Dodo. Oh yeah, and I correctly predicted the result.

My prediction for this week: Non-elimination round, then Old Navy goes bye-bye, again using the credits to figure out where CBS will plug in the holes (x - gone):

Kris and Jon, a.k.a. Long-Distance (Too Cute!)
x - Lena and Kristy, a.k.a. Hot Blonde Mormon Sisters
Lori and Bolo, a.k.a. Wrestlers
x - Don and Mary Jean, a.k.a. Grandparents
x - Avi and Joe, a.k.a. Brooklyn Jews
Hayden and Aaron, a.k.a. Ayden and Haron
x - Gus and Hera, a.k.a. Father/Daughter
Jonathan, a.k.a. Sauron and Victoria
Freddy and Kendra, a.k.a. Old Navy
x - Meredith and Maria, a.k.a. Queens
Adam and Rebecca, a.k.a. Hellboy and Hellcat

11:12 p.m. - Bolo looks for his cue from the camera guy to open his clue. And ... go! Dramatic tearing of the strip, and they're off to Promonto Borudvar and a wine barrel. Either they have to drink the entire barrel or they'll stomp grapes.

12:01 a..m. - Long-Distance (Too Cute!)
12:02 a.m. - Sauron and Victoria
12:06 a.m. - Haron and Ayden, he's being cute and lovey-dovey, she looks like she'd rather he jump in a pit with grizzly bears.
12:07 a.m. - Hellcouple
12:19 a.m. - Old Navy - He acknowledges the "model alliance" with Haron and Ayden.

The wine place doesn't open until the next morning at 10 a.m. (seriously, does anyone go to work in Hungary before lunch?), so everyone is bunched up, again. (DRINK!)

Race into Promonto Bordvrajegfsticstal (as if you know any better), ducking through tunnels, it's time to fly to Corsica?

Wait, what? Why go to the wine cellar? Why not just fly straight to Corsica from the Pit Stop? Was this yet another attempt by the producers to gather up all the teams at the same place? Lame. Let them race, dangit!

Long-Distance (Too Cute!) uses a travel agent, everyone else drives to the airport. Aww, Kris is allergic to the shaggy dog and gets all sneezy. Poor girl. I love her, have I mentioned? Meanwhile, the opposite of a cute couple, Hellboy moans that Hellgirl is doing everything on her own and starts bitching to her at the counter.

Sauron is making fun of the Wrestlers in the cab, then gets out and when he sees Racers in the airport already, says "Why does this always happen?" Hey, freakin' genius, it's because everyone has to go the airport thingy to fly on the airplane whatchamacalits.

Over at the counter, Long-Distance (Too Cute!) is screwed by the ticket agent because even though they made the reservation at the travel office, the agent won't validate and give them their tickets.

Seriously, what kind of scam are airlines running, anyway? And they wonder why they're losing money faster than I lose money at the nickel slots. "We have the loosest slots," my a**.

Never mind. The agent finally relents.

The first plane gets to Corsica at 6:40 p.m., with Sauron/Victoria and the Wrestlers leading the way. The second plane lands at 7:15 with the other four teams. Napoleon's birthplace doesn't open until 9 a.m., so as usual the teams do more sleeping and visiting than

Hey, look, a Napoleon costume dude welcomes the teams and hands out the next clue. Cute. He winks. Not cute. I think he just declared war on Prussia.

Fast-Forward alert: Put on old iron diving suit weighing a hundred pounds, walk across ocean floor (under water, of course), to a lobster trap. Hellgirl decides she wants to do this, and leads Hellboy kicking and screaming. She says she's certified. He's just certifiable.

Sauron and Victoria get to the Fast-Forward next, but can't dive until after the Hellcouple, and decide that's dumb and will lead to their doom. Turn around.

Everyone but the Hellcouple drives to the coast and a camp for the French Foreign Legion, who will immediately surrender to the Racers.

In the car, no one can navigate and Haron - or is it Ayden? - decides she can't drive a car anymore. I tell ya, since that first week when I loved this couple, she's fallen farther from my favor quicker than my local Subway when two out of the last three visits they've been out of meatballs. How does that happen?

In the water, Hellboy "can't reach the valve," and he's freaking out. What a wuss.

Sauron is blaming Victoria for not getting to the Fast-Forward sooner. She snaps, "You're going to drill that home until I commit suicide." "Yes," he replies, "Until you commit suicide." If she's going to kill herself over his bitching, at least make it a murder-suicide and take him out, too.

Heh. Old Navy and Haron and Ayden are stopping to find directions, saying that the Wrestlers must have gotten lost because they're "dumb as a stick." Quick edit to Bolo, "Here it is," and "Currently in 1st place." Heh. Oh, and Haron and Ayden lost Old Navy.

Hellboy's freaking out in this diving suit, looking like a drunk Teletubby, complete with "boop-de-boop" music, while Hellgirl retrieves the clue and he's told that he must at least walk to the trap before they can leave. Uh-oh. You know, for someone with hair fashioned into horns on their head, Hellboy couldn't intimidate my nephew. Not Gabriel, the four-year-old. My month-old nephew. Mental breakdown much?

Second time down, Hellboy makes it while Hellgirl talks him through it.

Off to the Pit Stop, taking a plane to La Pietra, which I think is Spanish for "The Pietra." I know, four years of Spanish really paid off.

Back to the other teams: Detour!

Climb up a rock wall, get a medal and repel back down. Fly Behind: Select a boat, race to buoys and find a clue, but only 12 of 25 have a clue. Warning! This will take forever! Climb!

The Wrestlers quickly pick Climb (good to be strong), Sauron and Victoria pick the boat, no, climb, no, boat! Sauron clearly knows he's not strong enough to pick up the check, let alone climb a wall. Better hurry, because while they're just getting started, the Hellcouple arrives at the Pit Stop in first place.

Old Navy dude climbs up top first, beating even Wrestler dude, who stalls out midway up, getting passed by Old Navy chick and Kris.

Out on the water, Sauron and Victoria can't find a buoy, then the first one doesn't have a clue. The world rejoices. But Haron and Ayden are still lost in the car, so they're more in trouble, even.

Old Navy finishes first, and frankly I'm tired of her calling him "baby." Haron and Ayden do this, too. Request to future bride: Don't call me "baby." Call me "tiger" or "lord of the dance," anything but "baby."

Dangit. Sauron and Victoria get a clue, while a couple of teams haven't repelled down the wall. They're in third place, and God weeps. What good is Free Will if evil wins?

When Haron - is it Ayden? - slips while repelling down, the dude says he's "scared," but oh no, not for her safety, but because he knows it could take a while for her to get the freak down the rope. Heh.

Road Block! Let's squish 50 pounds of grapes! (Now why didn't they do this at the wine cellar in Hungary?)

Since the Chip&Kim Rule is in place and no one team member can perform more than six Road Blocks, this is a perfect one for the ladies.

Old Navy is first there, and she's hopping up and down like Lucy and Ethel. That's a fun Road Block. Naturally, Sauron says he'll do it, because he's a weak idiot and won't do anything difficult.

Next up, Kris of the Long-Distance (Too Cute!), then Wrestler dude. Sauron is such a moron that he couldn't fill the fifth and last bottle. He's even scaring dogs away with his yelps. Meanwhile, he's passed by the other two teams. No worries, Haron and Ayden aren't stomping grapes yet.

Old Navy lands in second.

Sauron finally learns how to stomp grapes, and they drive off, to Sauron's frank statement that they "deserve to lose. We don't work together." Um, kettle, this is pot, you're black.

The Wrestlers are third, followed by Long-Distance (Too Cute!).

CBS tries to pretend that Haron and Ayden have a chance, but we all know that Sauron and Victoria are in fifth. Actually, they weren't that far ahead, and saw Haron and Ayden drive up behind them.

And my prediction is correct, this is a non-elimination round. Dang I'm good.

Next week: Hellgirl rejects Hellboy, Old Navy chick can't breathe, and Victoria gets injured but I can't figure out how or what. It looks like she just got bit by an insect or got pricked by a nail, which tells me she's freaking out over nothing. But hey, who am I to judge? Oh, wait, I write this solely in order to judge, so yeah, it's my right.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Even Christian men like bodacious babery

In this month's Lark News, Neil realizes what all guys in private Christian schools do, that there are a LOT of women there. Problem is, then and now, without even trying I'm "kissing dating good-bye."

Yea, verily, I passed the test and proved my quality

So I’m buying a plane ticket to fly to Miami in April, whereupon Dad and I will drive to Tampa for the three game series between the World Series champion Red Sox and the Devil Rays. (Yeah, amazingly they still have a team.)

When selecting seats I usually try to accommodate my height by getting an exit row and the extra half-inch for my legs. Before allowing me to do this, however, Delta has initiated this grueling test of wit to determine if I’m exit-worthy to sit in such kingly chairs:

Is this passenger under the age of 15 years? No!
Is this passenger traveling with a child restraint seat? No!
Is this passenger traveling with a pet in the cabin of the aircraft? No!
Is this passenger able to locate and operate an exit door or window exit? No! … I mean, yes! Dang you, Delta, you crafty tricksters!

Answering the riddle correctly, not only can I sit in the exit row but I may also enter the secret chamber of the Great Pyramid to retrieve the treasure of King Neil the third, who I think ruled a million years ago or something.

This post comes in a brown paper wrapper

Columbia House is set to launch its own adult video club with Playboy, called Hush.

Okay, I’ve got my first four selections for a penny decided, but I don’t know about the fifth. I’m torn between Brassiere to Eternity and HR Muff n' Stuff. Decisions, decisions …

Monday, January 10, 2005

Moon over Green Bay

In the debate over Randy Moss' TD celebration antics on Sunday, I come down squarely in the camp with this writer: No. Big. Deal. Funny, even. I'm more upset at the pretentious commentators on TV and in print who have their fingers so far up their rear ends that they can't ever accept something raunchy as comedy.

When the Fox guys began preening about how awful Moss was for pretending to pull his pants down at the Green Bay crowd, I wondered if I missed something. If Moss had flipped off the crowd or gyrated on the goal post like he was a horny dog or flicked a booger at a kid in the front row, then we're talking offensive behavior.

After the game, Fox had a special showing of "Who's Your Daddy?," followed by "The Swan" and "Changing Spouses."

Under and over

I've got a double-dip review for you chaps and lasses today, so enjoy as I compare and contrast a pair of solid moving pictures, The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou & The Aviator.

Sunday, January 09, 2005

From the Funny E-Mail Department

Thoughts to get you through almost any crisis:

-- Indecision is the key to flexibility.

-- You cannot tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

-- There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

-- Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

-- Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

-- If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

-- The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

-- By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

-- Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

-- Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

Bonus: - Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

Snippy comment from the 1,449,000,234th domain

Surprisingly, out of the 100 oldest currently-registered .com domain names, none are "naughty." Unless is, but I don't think so.

Pardon this self-indulgent tripe

There's something about the name Amy. I already grew up with a cousin Amy, who is a full month and 16 days older than me, but she doesn't count for this exercise.

In high school I went to prom with Amy S., but she made it clear she never wanted to be anything more than a friend. Besides, she was Nazarene, I'm Southern Baptist, and we all know that never works!

During college I went out with an Amy B. who became known in Jeff Dating Lore as Psycho Amy. Sure, her Kappa Delta sisters thought I was a jerk for a while (hi, Jenny!), but came around to my thinking when Psycho Amy sprouted horns and sucked out the souls of every member of ATO. I think. It was just a rumor.

Y'all remember that in 2004 I had a brief fling with Amy C. of Memphis, which ended in November.

Now cousin Karla tells me she would like to set me up with a friend of hers in Memphis ... named Amy.

Why not? Who am I to break up a perfectly good pattern?

Saturday, January 08, 2005

Hi, Mr. Battle

A few months ago I posted about a guy at my gym who has a really cool name. Turns out that he was googling his name and found my post.


Friday, January 07, 2005

Jeff's Briefs 1/7

- Today's fortune cookie is my favorite. Ever: "You will be advanced socially, without any special effort." Yes! Winner! Isn't this the dream, to make it and not even be trying? Thank you, random Chinese cookie writer!

- Note to Doug Mientkiewicz, you were a hired gun by the Red Sox for the second half of the season and lucky enough to be on first for the final out of the World Series. Like young Indiana Jones said about the Cross of Coronado, the ball belongs in a museum!

- The USA Today sports section had a Snapshot last Thursday listing schools with the most appearances in the NCAA Division I women's volleyball Final Four. Stanford had the most, and that's not surprising. It's California, and Stanford fields solid teams all around. Next up, UCLA. Makes sense, being southern California. Ditto Long Beach State, tied for third place with Hawaii, which is obvious. But tied with those two schools is Nebraska. Huh? What's next, a curling champion from Miami? Decent beer from England?

- Today’s feel-good tstory from the tsunami tcoverage is about elephants saving lives. Now go rent Dumbo and apologize to his mother. (Link courtesy Boortz)

- Just because you’re a member of the world’s oldest profession doesn’t mean you can’t make a difference in the world. Good call, madam!

- A 13-year-old girl in Scotland accidentally received an X-rated film, the Paris Hilton video, in her new DVD player. Dang, and all I had when I unwrapped mine was SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2.

Oh, well, it could have been worse, you could have bought a Cabbage Patch kid with a naughty message.

- Japanese scientists are trying to perfect the taste of ramen noodles. For instance, the flavors get surprisingly better if you're in college and can’t afford anything that costs more then fifty cents.

Lord of the DVDs

I’ve watched all of the Lord of the Rings: Return of the King extended DVD, so here are my final notes (here are my initial thoughts):

- The two discs and eight hours of documentaries should be nominated for an Oscar. There’s an astounding amount of material, much of it unknown to me, the layperson, and every one provides different interesting background on the movie.

- The commentary for the design team could have been mixed better audio-wise, because special effects king Richard Taylor, who CAN’T CONTROL THE VOLUME OF HIS VOICE, usually pops in right after Grant Major and Alan Lee mumble incoherently to the point where I’ve turned up the volume on the TV, so that as I turn up the volume on my TV, Richard comes on and rattles the dishes in the kitchen.

- Unfortunately, in order to talk about how WETA made Shelob, we have to be shown several, several shots of real spiders who inspired the creation. Ick. Nightmares.

- The added scene with the mini-fellowship being confronted with the Mouth of Sauron at the Black Gates is awesome. The way Peter Jackson had the dude’s mouth enlarged to make it creepier works perfectly. It is indeed creepy, and perfection.

- If you were like me and hoped Frodo would just push Gollum into the hot magma of Mt. Doom and get it over with, Jackson considered it and even tried it out before deciding it made Frodo look like a murderer. Besides, in the book Gollum is doing a happy dance and tumbles over, so Jackson having the two fight was good middle ground.

- Viggo Mortensen comes across as the king of the cast as well as the trilogy. Even when he could have hung out in his trailer and drank hot chocolate, he would stay on the set off camera to provide help for actors working on their scenes, and he did things for the crew, too, such as buying a horse for one of the trainers who otherwise couldn’t afford to. The funniest off camera bit involved Viggo and Billy Boyd standing in front of Sean Astin during Sam and Rosie’s wedding so that they’d have familiar faces to look at, and Viggo kisses Boyd on the lips – for a loooong time. Can’t say Boyd was troubled by it – who doesn’t have a non-sexual male crush on Viggo?

- Right pleasant scene added between Pippin and Faromir in Minas Tirith. Show's why Pippin is so determined not to let Denathor make a mess of things later. You know, like burning Faromir alive. That's just rude.

- It's so nice that Peter Jackson gives us the opportunity to view both the theatrical and extended cuts of the trilogy. I don't want to name names or anything. *coughLucascough*

- I didn't realize how much of a rush the final shots were to complete ROTK in time for the first showing in New Zealand. The last shots and music were added just a couple of days before the print was shown!

- In fact, Jackson actually finished the final scenes for the extended version after the film won its 11 Oscars. Talk about the pressure being off!

- The best commentary remains the cast's, packed with 19 of them giving their view. Pippin and Merry again - like the first two extended DVDs - provide the most entertaining, while the part of "too smart for their own good" has been taken from Sean Astin and given to Andy Serkis and his Gollum/Smeagol voices. Seriously, I've seen it, it was funny the first thousand times.

- The most informative commentary is again from Jackson, wife/writer/second-unit director Fran Walsh and writer Phillipa Boyens. They explain almost everything you've thought about putting together the trilogies, and stuff you probably haven't thought of, either, especially the daily battles to decide how to translate such a legendary work into a worthy motion picture.

- One of the last documentaries talks about the many endings, not of the film but of the shooting, and I have to admit, my apartment got a little dusty for a spell.

- There are two easter eggs in the Return of the King DVD. Click the link for instructions. The first one is high comedy, a prank on Elijah Wood by Dominic Monaghan. The second aired last summer as a skit in the MTV Movie Awards, featuring Vince Vaughn and Ben Stiller grilling Jackson to make it a "quadrilogy."

- The production/post-production commentary actually produces some of the most interesting comments and humor, especially when the producers and editors make fun of the movie (like how everyone else is in the House of Healing while Pippin is left alone to search for Merry on the battlefield).

Thursday, January 06, 2005

Better now than never

Christmas pictures are now up!

Jeff's Carnival of Links

- Wally debuts his new Blogger format for the new year, and he also has mucho pictures (that’s Spanish for “many pictures”) of the Green holiday season.

- At the Russell Abode, Steven and his Sidekick are getting along swell. Just the other day, he advised Wayne Newton to use red potatoes for a good potato salad.

- Jenn’s not just under the weather, it has her in a chokehold and is making fun of her choice of cough syrup.

- Eric has some advice on getting rid of spyware, but he doesn’t say anything about how when you go to certain, um, sites, all these pop-ups appear and even change your homepage. Not that I’ve ever seen this happen. A friend told me.

- John watched Ashlee Simpson at the Orange Bowl and lived to boo about it.

- As for life on the Continent, an ode to Ryne Sandberg. No jokes here; I liked watching Ryno, too. But I doth protest the Hall of Fame voters for keeping out Dale Murphy. It’s a traveshamockery! Murphy won the NL MVP in both 1982 and 1983, had more total bases than anyone else in the 80s, and finished second to Mike Schmidt in homers and Eddie Murphy in RBIs during the decade. Too many critics point to his .265 average and 398 homers. Schmidt was a .267 hitter and he’s in, Brooks Robinson hit .267 with 268 homers and he’s in, Sandberg hit just .285 with 282 homers and he got in. And before the “juiced ball, juiced player” 90s, 398 was a pretty decent power number. (/rant over until next year)

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Post-disaster wacko alert

Taking the title of "Too Dumb to Acknowledge" from the nuts who think Jews knew about 9/11, a Canadian "expert" thinks that our Navy base on Diego Garcia in the Indian Ocean was spared from damage because the U.S. were given advance warning of the tsunami.

Besides it being untrue, what does the professor think, that our Navy has the ability to raise the island or turn our base into an underwater city like some Bond villain? Actually, that would be really cool.

Could we get some more vomit?

Previously on The Amazing Race: Sauron sucks and the Wrestlers are stuck at the train station while the other six teams head into the Internet cafe. Last week's clip episode showed us one reason why the Wrestlers are always in trouble. On the first leg he pretended to have cerebral palsy to cut in line, which means a comeuppance is due. Don't mess with the Race gods.

In the Internet cafe the teams have to open up AOL, which really is a crapshoot as much as the clunky cars in Hungary. It could break down any time. Cool Phil tells the teams via video on the computer what to do, which leads to the Heritage Rail Museum down the road, which of course means the teams will bunch up again (DRINK!).

The Wrestlers figure out that there really is a train at 2:55 a.m. instead of having to wait until 7:30, meaning they're going to end up tied with the rest of the teams at the museum, which doesn't open until 10 a.m., a full twelve hours after the Internet cafe opened to give the clue.

In the down time, Hellcat sees the lovey-dovey relationship of the Long-Distance (Doomed!) cuteness and realizes Hellboy ain't all that. To be fair, no one could ever live up to how cute and cuddly Kris and Jon are on this show. The show isn't called the Happy Time Hour of Hugs, after all.

Sauron yells at Victoria for no reason since they have twelve hours, and still calls her "dumb." She reaches down his throat, rips his lungs out and throws his decaying corpse into the river. (Don't you wish that was true?)

The Wrestlers look dejected, which obviously will change when they see everyone together, meaning two weeks ago CBS was pulling our legs with the whole "Lori and Bolo are doomed!" cliffhanger. Ha! I saw right through it! While everyone else slept in a hotel, the Wrestlers are first at the Museum, after Bolo says "frickin'" a lot.

The gate opens at the Museum, but comes back down, hitting Hera and Old Navy dude on the head. Of course, as usual, CBS gives us the wide shot and jump cut in the edit, so we can't see if someone pulled the gate down or if it simply dropped on its own. Nothing like stirring the controversy without showing proof of guilt or innocence, eh? From slowing it down and looking closely, it doesn't look like anyone maliciously pulled the gate down.

No proof doesn't stop Old Navy dude from going ballistic and accusing someone of pulling the gate down on purpose and claiming he'll break someone in half for it. Actually, it looks like he's more upset that his glasses were broken than he and Hera getting hit on the noggin'.

The Wrestlers end up getting the first number on the little train thingy and decide to take the Fast-Forward, which involves lots of tunnels and you have to drink pig blood. Somehow I think Wrestlers can accomplish this. First they have to get a cab and Bolo makes fun of Old Navy dude.

Otherwise you head to the Danube and something that had a lot of letters and I have no idea what it is. You figure it out: Nemzeti Sportuszoda. I think it's misspelled.

Second out, team Ennui, Hayden and Aaron doing nothing to make me like them or hate them.

Next, Long-Distance (Too Cute!) with the impossibly cute girl saying the train thingy is "vibraty." Too cute! In fact, their new nickname is Long-Distance (Too Cute!), because despite my bad experience, they're not necessarily doomed by being a long-distance couple. Good luck, Kris and Jon.

Anyway, they get ahead of Ennui by finding a cab. Too cute, Kris calls them "Haron and Ayden." I think that's their new name. Let it be done!

After getting hit in the head, Pop/Daughter leave last.

Detour! Hungarian water activities swim or paddle. Yeah, that's just in Hungary. Teams either have to score a goal against a water polo goalie or inflate a raft and paddle across the Danube River. Hmmm, I think scoring a goal would be easier than navigating the swift river current.

On their way to the Fast Forward, Lori is tense. Bolo calls her the "biggest optimist," which of course doesn't mean what he wants it to mean at this point. I think it's sweet.

Long-Distance (Too Cute!) scores quickly (see, told you it would be easier). Plus, we get to see Kris in a bathing suit, plus the other chicks. Hellboy and Hellcat try to strategize rather than just firing the frickin' ball into the net. The goalie isn't exactly in this for the game, people. He's like me, looking for chicks in bathing suits.

Thank you, CBS, for the gratuitous underwater shots of the women in their suits. Seriously, I am in your debt.

Unbelievably, Pop/Daughter choose to inflate the raft and paddle. DOOMED. The wrong Detour choice is always, always going to leave you in last. And they're so cute.

Back in the cab with the Wrestlers. The cabbie is lost, apparently. "I give up," Lori exhales. Always the optimist.

Nope, they're fine. Through the tunnels, past the creepy dude in the black cloak, drink the pig blood, to Fisherman's Bastion for the Pit Stop.

Phil tells us the last team "may be eliminated," and there's a dude with a whip to punctuate it. Oh, Phil, you tease.

The Wrestlers are officially there in first place, before anyone else has even made it to the next stop, Grundel Restaurant.

Road Block! Eat a 24-ounce bowl of "extraordinarily" spicy soup. Okay, if you need to cry, cry, but chug that soup quickly! Don't even use a spoon. I can drink a 20-ounce Diet Coke in two swigs, so it shouldn't be terrible.

Long-Distance (Too Cute!) dude is first, and he's sweating. Okay, it's difficult. Ayden and Haron are next, then Sauron, who immediately volunteers Victoria for the mission. I'm telling you, he tortures her on purpose.

You know how Victoria is always complaining that her pack is heavier than Sauron's, even though he bitches about it more often? Who wants to bet that when they're at a pit stop or on a train that he puts extra stuff in her bag instead of his own? What has he done to make me doubt that?

Once inside, the other teams even note that it seems Victoria does all the hard tasks for wussy Sauron. See, it's not about editing. CBS knows when someone is awful. Then again, Victoria is all whiny about a hair in her soup, while Hellcat just starts slurping that soup fast and easy. I like her more and more, especially while Victoria is throwing up, next to Aaron, who's also throwing up.

Outside, Hellcat throws up a little bit, then Long-Distance (Too Cute!) dude says that between eating the "tobasco sauce" (that hot, huh?) and the screeching violins, it was a nightmare. Hey, I would think the music would help. It certainly covers up some of Sauron's incessant screeching at Victoria. And then he tells the musicians to shut up. At this point, they should smack him over the head with their piccolos. Bastard.

Old Navy dude shows up and eats "like a bear," scooping up the soup quickly, just as Victoria and Ayden (or is it Haron) finish. Of course, most of theirs is on the floor. Oh, and now he's vomiting, too, and back in the bowl a little bit. Ewwww.

In the cab, Sauron apologizes, saying he should have done the Road Block. Hmm, that's a nice thing to say.

Then he says he thought she'd be good at it because "you like food so much." Yep, he's evil. And dumb. Seriously, in last week's clip show did he really call Senegal "Senagog" five times? Evil morons are worse than evil geniuses.

Oh, crap, they're running to the Pit Stop again, racing Long-Distance (Too Cute!), who win. This time, both Sauron and Victoria drop their bags and run. At the Pit Stop in third, Sauron says, "always good to see you, Phil." I doubt the feeling is reciprocated.

Pop/Daughter show up at the restaurant just as Old Navy leaves. Pick the right Detour, teams! This is important! Although right now I'm thinking this is a non-elimination round. Just a guess. Either way, Pop downs that soup as easy as he drank the beer during a previous leg. What a stomach. Dad, you already know this, but if we're on this Race, you eat all the hot stuff, I don't care what weird dreams it gives you.

Ayden and Haron are fourth, Hellboy and Hellcat fifth. Old Navy strolls into sixth, and no matter the editing, the dramatic pause from Phil, we know Pop/Daughter are last.

Unfortunately it is an elimination round. One more likable team is gone.

Now, time to brag. Using the non-scientific method of analyzing placement of teams in the opening credits, I predicted that the Pop/Daughter team would be next to leave.

Let's look again, and see who from the final six goes next.

Kris and Jon, a.k.a. Long-Distance (Too Cute!)
x - Lena and Kristy, a.k.a. Hot Blonde Mormon Sisters
Lori and Bolo, a.k.a. Wrestlers
x - Don and Mary Jean, a.k.a. Grandparents
x - Avi and Joe, a.k.a. Brooklyn Jews
Hayden and Aaron, a.k.a. Ayden and Haron
x - Gus and Hera, a.k.a. Father/Daughter
Jonathan, a.k.a. Sauron and Victoria
Freddy and Kendra, a.k.a. Old Navy
x - Meredith and Maria, a.k.a. Queens
Adam and Rebecca, a.k.a. Hellboy and Hellcat

I say next week is a non-elimination round, so in two weeks ... say bye to Old Navy. You read it here first.