Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Holiday freebies

Two weeks ago I had a note from the apartment manager in my door, advising me that with the holidays coming up I should take steps 1, 2, 3, etc. to help ensure that my place is safe from burglars.

I would now like to point out that from Wednesday through Sunday, they left the front gates open the entire fargin' time.

What do you want for Festivus?

Wally talks Christmas shopping today, noting that "Walgreens has some great deals on cheap perfume Christmas eve at midnight."

Ah, but I think he forgets that for the truly imaginatively desperate shopper on Christmas, that Amoco offers a stunning array of paper plates and cups, car fresheners and a variety of cookies sold one sleeve at a time.

If you'd rather get something else, showing off with your gifts of "jewelry" and "DVDs," then you've got 24 days to get to it. Bah, humbug. Maybe I need to follow Brent's lead and put up my Christmas tree. That could help bring out the spirit of the season, especially since this is the first Christmas Eve in years in which I will be alone that night since I'm working Christmas morning. It could be so lonely, Santa will leave me cookies and milk!

Finding Good-Movieland

You must believe in good films for them to exist! Clap for Finding Neverland! Clap if you're a child at heart! Good, 'cause it's going to be crushed eventually by something; might as well get used to it. Hey, don't blame me for reality.

Monday, November 29, 2004

Thanks for my camera

Thanksgiving weekend pictures are now up!

Or you could punch them in the nose

School children in England are being encouraged to wear a blue wristband this week as part of a government crackdown on bullying. The bullies have a new word for those who take part: Targets. Two more words for those who wear the bands: Atomic wedgies.

A hair-raising weekend

Told you I'd dye my hair last weekend - and here it is, sponsored by L'Oreal Superior Performance (now 20% fade-resistant color!):

It's just a lighter brown, sort of copper. I look like a million cents!

I doubt I'll stick with the Pomade-induced Jimmy Neutron look below, though. Stephanie bought it for me to play with, so I'll figure out if I like a frizzy, spiky do.

Thanks, Stephanie, for helping out!

Thanksgiving weekend was about what I wanted, get work out of the way on a lonely holiday, then drive to see family, my support group.

Thursday I watched a little football, then saw Alexander. Egad. Horrified review coming soon. Afterwards I went straight to work for a half-shift where the cafeteria served us a Thanksgiving dinner. Nothing like lukewarm turkey, ham and stuffing to fill a tummy. Much better was that we holiday workers conspired earlier to bring in desserts. I provided cookies and cupcakes, and foraged off others’ pies and assorted fattening sugar-filled yumminess.

From work I drove to Chapel Hill, where I got a few hours of sleep prior to loading my Aztek with boxes of furniture from Mom and Aunt Lynn’s to take to Stacy for Joe to assemble for Nathaniel’s room. I also got their extra artificial Christmas tree out of the deal! Granddad was also pressing me to take an extra lamp or two, but if he saw the six lamps in my storage room he’d see we share that problem.

Talking to Scott and Jenn Thursday night on my cell phone, cutting in and out, I could only come to one conclusion: Sprint has less coverage than a 755-pound woman in a tutu. I already learned last month that Sprint apparently has a “No one has a phone in Mississippi” plan, but along the interstate in Tennessee I should never lose a signal.

Once I got to southern Indiana Friday afternoon it was time to vegetate. After eating several ham (mmmmm….ham) sandwiches we watched football, talked, drove to see Stephanie and Bill’s new house, had a second Thanksgiving dinner and watched Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, new on DVD!

Saturday was wet. No problem, there’s plenty of football to watch and leftovers to eat. The womenfolk headed to the mall, which seems like the seventh level of Hell post-Thanksgiving, but they seem to enjoy it. Meanwhile, Joe put together the dresser and nightstand that I brought from Chapel Hill. That night Stephanie and I dyed my hair, which was that evening’s amusement.

Sunday, Mom left at Noon and after watching Harry Potter again (Stacy worked Friday night), I departed by 3 o’clock. (sarcasm alert) Nothing like seven hours of driving on the Sunday after Thanksgiving! (/sarcasm) I didn’t see the signal on the overhead electronic boards, but apparently today’s secret game was “Jump in front of Jeff and hit your brakes,” full of non-stop frivolity, I tell you. (No, that wasn’t sarcasm, just pure biting hatred.)

Between Bowling Green and Nashville traffic was so heavy – I’ll go so far as to even call it a “glut” – that even though there weren’t any accidents cars were bumper to bumper in stop-and-go driving, sometimes at a standstill, other times cruising at 40, no room for movement either way. It would be easier to navigate a line for Deanna Troi’s autograph at a Star Trek convention.

Behind me, I see nothing but headlights. Ahead of me, the Red Lights of Terror! Speed limit signs were openly mocking us. Yet drivers would still slow down when cops were on the side of the road, giggling at us.

Outside Chattanooga, the same problem. Thankfully, the seers who used to run Georgia paved more greenery for extra lanes between Chattanooga and Atlanta to keep tie-ups are rare. Still, though, people queue up in the left lane even as I zip past them I the middle and right lanes, as if they’re afraid to get an electric shock if they get out of their caravan.

My favorite sign between Nashville and Louisville is a sign posted at the entrance to a ranch not far from the interstate announcing “Used cows for sale.” Really? So you should kick the hooves, check for saggy udders and cracked nostrils? Maybe a bent tail, too? Do any have any leaks?

Friendly note to the Krystal in Goodlettesville, where my patience finally obliterated and I needed to exit the interstate. The order number on my receipt was 420807. No kidding. Please feel free to reset the counter once in a while. I was wondering if my #1 might get confused with the person holding 420001, and that would be embarrassing.

If a company truck has a “How’s my driving” sticker, can you call up to say, “He’s not reckless, per se, but he’s really pissing me off”? For instance, there are few things that make me mad than when a semi passes another going uphill, just because he’s going 52 and the other guy 51. Once you crest the hill and the truck moves over and you’ve given him the Death Stare, you notice that the cars you’ve been pacing with for an hour are now half a mile ahead of you, and you have to speed way up to catch them and show that truck who’s boss. Yes, I’m 29 years old.

Now that I’m back, expect pictures from this weekend and reviews of Alexander and Finding Neverland, all for the low, low price of loving Jeff unconditionally! And really, as my stockholders, I trust you will keep buying and not start selling until after the holidays.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Giving thanks

Ugh, I'm really dragging today. Did someone turn up the gravity?

I only trudged in to the gym before work because I had to remind myself that I won’t be working out for the next four days, and with the amount of food I’m sure to ingest, I could use some physical exertion. Tomorrow the gym's closed, and I have to work at night, so my "holiday dinner" will come from the cafeteria. Then I'll drive to Chapel Hill to sleep, then up to Louisville for the weekend.

Thankfully, I don't have to buy presents for Thanksgiving. I just have to watch football and eat, tomorrow and Friday. The women folk don't even let the guys within ten feet of the kitchen so they can try out new recipes and their favorites, and they don't trust us. I don't mind.

Tuesday Morning Quarterback would like to remind us of how great it is that we can be so lazy on a day of thanks:

As you dig into your turkey, stuffing and pecan pie, washed down with a $10 bottle of wine superior in quality to any wine available to the 17th-century kings of France, remember how hard your ancestors worked, and how they sacrificed, in the dream that someday their descendants would be warm, well-fed and secure against nature. Considering that your forebears just a century ago had an average lifespan of 46 years and often shivered during winters while eating mostly salt-preserved food, try to get through turkey day without complaining about anything, okay? Happy Throwback Thanksgiving!

Now, here’s the requisite “What I’m thankful for” list:

- Mr. Goodbar
- Family and friends who are more than happy to let me crash on their couches and extra bedrooms
- Tryptophan
- The ginormous handicapped stall in the bathroom at work
- Lord of the Rings extended DVDs
- Meeting up with Dad regularly to see the Red Sox in Florida, Atlanta and/or St. Louis
- Curt Schilling’s doctor
- BBQ-flavored buffalo wings
- Group emails between family and friends that seem to last for weeks and change subjects a thousand times
- Google toolbar's pop-up killer
- Alge Crumpler on my fantasy football team
- Diet Cherry Coke
- "Pardon the Interruption"
- Nana napping in her chair while letting me watch baseball/football/golf
- Lindsey Lohan
- When I get a Sundae Cone out of the ice cream machine at work and it's perfectly round instead of being indented
- Water-skiing squirrels, elephants eating pumpkins, tomato-fight festivals and any other annual video that we can enjoy ceaselessly at work
- “Get Fuzzy,” “Fox Trot” and “Pearls Before Swine”
- Screeds by James Lileks
- That John Kerry won’t be inaugurated in January
- Swift Boat Vets for Truth
- My nephew Gabriel, cousin Gavin and Steve’s boys, Austin and Matthew, always happy to jump up for a hug and to play as soon as I walk in the door
- The first shots of Augusta National when The Masters begins in April
- The guy who’s mirror I broke off didn’t call State Farm and get me to pay for it two weeks after I bought my Aztek
- When the lights go down in the theater and the trailers begin
- “The Amazing Race”
- The nice folks at the China Breeze restaurant in the CNN Center atrium
- Fortune cookies that don’t just spew “feel-good” maxims
- Sitting on the porch(es) in Chapel Hill
- Old movies that have me reaching for the Leonard Maltin movie guide to figure out where I’ve seen these actors before
- Dave Barry’s Sunday piece
- My CD player while driving in the middle of the night through the middle of nowhere
- Karla for being pregnant with the first girl in our family, and a chance to shop in the ‘pink aisle’
- Autumn days in which I turn on the air-conditioning during the day with the windows open, and turn the heat on at night bundled under a blanket
- Folks who shake your hand to make you feel welcome at a church you’ve never attended

Amazing update!

On this week's The Amazing Race update (last week's wrap here), Jeff rethinks his favorites and wonders why pretty people can't get along?

Is it weird that the show's theme gives me the chills? How badly do I want to go on this reality show? Mixing competitiveness and travel? Holy cow, that's a dream that must be met. Maybe one day I'll take a trip around the world, and I'll assign myself tasks just for the hell of it. You know, stuff like Orphan Dodging in India, and jumping off the Petronas Towers in Malaysia attached only to a ball of yarn.

All ten teams are on equal footing leaving Iceland on the same flight to Oslo, Norway, home of those cool vowels with lines over and through them (like å and ø) and towns that combine consonants that aren't pronounceable (like Knivskjellodden).

Hayden&Aaron opened the show first after the last leg and first in my heart, but quickly fell out of favor. Not three minutes out of their pit stop they got all fighty, and it never stopped. I quickly re-aligned myself with the Hot Blonde Mormon Sisters, which seemed like a natural transition. Problem is, they're sure to lose soon, because in both legs of the show they've managed to get horribly lost after taking a wrong turn. At least when they first got to Norway they realized their inadequacy at reading maps and had a local teen boy happily help out, then no doubt he departed and hasn't left his bedroom since. While waiting for a next task, the Hot Blonde Mormon Sisters express their distaste for Spaz, further ingratiating themselves to me.

Once the teams land in Norway, somehow they quickly disperse and end up far apart on the way to the Road Block. Worst off are the Queens because neither figured that they should learn to drive a stick shift automobile before leaving because, hey, it's not like most international cars don't have automatic transmission or anything. Hey, I can't drive a manual either, but I would have learned really quick when I found out I was on the show.

(Commercial break: "Stay tuned after the show on WGCL 46 for Teen Sex Secrets!" Apparently, kids nowadays are having a lot more fun than I did. Stupid goody-goody church youth group and morals. Daggum I was boring.)

When we get to the ski jump for the first Road Block, we learn of a new rule, hereby known as the Chip&Kim principle, that one player from a team can't perform more than six Roadblocks. You might remember that during the run of last year's winners, Chip did everything, from doing the tasks to driving, and Kim was along for the ride.

The ski jump may be a Road Block but instead of something cool, like actually, you know, jumping on skis into the lake below, the teams just glide down a zip line from top to bottom. Sure, it's probably fun, but lame. Why even go to a ski jump? Not that the producers didn't try to make it seem dramatic with the "overcoming fear" music, because oooh, they're up so high while attached to six chords!

Anyway, almost every team uses their men for the task. Uh, hello? You can't do more than six tasks, so wouldn't it be nice if you let the woman on the team take care of this easy non-physical task? The only person to come to this obvious conclusion was Grandma, and Grandpa ignored her and ran up anyway! Someone's going to regret this later.

We pause for yet another moment when Spaz&Whiner yell at each other. Actually, he yells, she panics and whines in a high-pitched noise usually reserved for calling greyhounds.

The teams pile up again at an "authentic" Viking Village "replication," although I didn't see Hagar around at all. Must have been storming English castles that weekend.

The only reason the teams are there is to row, row, row their boats across the lake, with the strong teams in one and the misfits in another. One boat is merrily, the other not so much. The misfits spend their time getting yelled at by Spaz, and are left far behind.

To the train, where everyone meets up (again), and Hellboy nearly gets dumped after going off on Hellgirl when he lost his sunglasses. Hellgirl tells him that she won't take that and she's losing that loving feeling, and he caves, apologizes and grovels before the entire country. Like all men would. *whip sound*

"On the next Relationship Rescue on Dr. Phil, how to bring your man back to the table in a foreign country!"

Off to some city I never figured out the spelling for, and a bridge for our next clue. It's a Detour!

The teams can either take Endurance, roller-skating with skis along a mile-and-three-quarters course, or Accuracy, participate in three native games involving throwing small logs, throwing an ax into a stump and shooting an arrow into a hay bale. Surprisingly, many of the teams select the former. Of course, this was all the young hipsters who figured they roller-skate happily in the park while holding hands all the time (I hate them), so why not? Not so easy, actually, and many turn around and head back to the Norway Games.

The dude of the Long-Distance (Doomed!) Couple made fun of one of the games while playing badly, and even though it didn't hurt him this time this is the kind of the thing that inflames the Amazing Race gods. Yea verily he will pay before the end unless he makes full restitution and accepts the cultures of the places they visit.

The only good roller-blading skiers are the Hot Blonde Mormon Sisters, while Hayden spends a lot of time yelling at Aaron and encouraging him and asking if he's okay after slapping his arms, elbows, legs and bottom on the ground for the six trillionth time. He will not forget that she made him do this. Hellboy&Hellgirl actually went to the Endurance, changed their minds, failed at the Accuracy and went back to Endurance to finish.

It really makes no difference what the tasks are, it seems, because the producers have made it so that all of the teams arrive at the same place at the same time and end up within minutes of each other at the end. The only race is the final task, the Detour. That's the time to bust your hump, and in the end Queens were the least humpbusting of the teams.

There are nine teams left, led by Long-Distance (Doomed!) Couple, Spaz&Whiner, Father/Daughter, Hayden&Aaron, Wrestlers, Hellboy&Hellgirl, Grandparents, Freddy&Kendra and bringing up the rear, the finest rears of all, the Hot Blonde Mormon Sisters.

Freddy&Kendra initially arrived sixth, but since they lost a clue along the way and went back for a second (apparently the dude missed a cameraman pointing his camera at their clue on the ground for five minutes), which was a 30-minute penalty.

The Grandparents might have finished higher, except that they lived up to old-fart stereotypes and took Hellboy&Hellgirl's car. I'm surprised they didn't figure it out when they turned the engine and those kids' crazy loud rock 'n roll music started playing on the radio. They had to turn around, losing valuable time that they could have spent gluing back on their dentures and reading New LifeStyles Online, your complete guide to senior housing and care options. One bit I did like was that Grandpa asked for a Sr. Citizen discount at the train station, and got it. Awesome. They can save money to buy souvenirs or the early bird special at the Sizzler outside Oslo.

Next week, Spaz&Whiner spaz and whine, and the Grandparents and Wrestlers are on hands and knees over what looks like a collection of hair scrunchies.

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

God bless our troops

Not only does this show just how perfect our soldiers are when it comes to keeping their sense of humor in rough times, it should make hippie liberals stink up their drawers, and I enjoy that even more.

The caption:
A happy face smiles back from the scope of a U.S. Army sniper's rifle, during a mission searching for insurgents in Mosul, Iraq, Monday, Nov. 22, 2004. U.S. and Iraqi forces in Mosul have been working put down an uprising launched by guerrillas who seized police stations and other sites. (AP Photo/Jim MacMillan)

I can see some of Schilling's blood in my grass!

The Red Sox are giving Fenway's field a face-lift to improve drainage, a process that is costing over $1 million. Amazingly, owner John Henry and his gang could have recovered that entire cost, and could have avoided raising already-exorbitant ticket prices by just selling off the old turf.

Heck, even I might have wanted a few square inches of the field as a relic of the 2004 dream season, that, by the way, ended with the first World Series title since 1918. I know there are millions of others in Red Sox Nation buying Sports Illustrated just for the mementos who would agree.

Most everything, yes

Welcome go my blogroll Everything is Wrong with Me. Check out his typical dating thought, and you can see why I added this New Yorker to my list:

I'll tell you what's going to happen - one day, far, far away from now, when I dupe a woman who has just the right amount of low self-esteem and psychosis into marrying me, I'm going to wind up mortgaging my life away for a giant fucking ring. I know this. I can be a sucker for perception with this kinda thing, and I know that I'm going to spend the first ten years of my married life making Christmas presents out of construction paper and popsicle sticks and eating bologna at every meal because I went $30,000 into debt to make myself look good to get my lady some bling-bling.

Damn it all to hell.

Not even a member of the Half-mile High Club

Nearly one in four Americans get on a plane over the holiday season hoping the person sitting in the next seat might be a future date or spouse, according to a survey released on Monday.

I would say that is a silly notion, but stranger things are possible. After all, if I sat next to Catlin today instead of flying back from London in 2000, I might have different ideas about possibilities. She wouldn't, of course, and I'd be kicked off over the Atlantic, but it would run through my mind.

Off your chest

The latest quotable Vents posted in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution (registration required):

- How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?
- There aren’t any father-in-law jokes because by the time a man reaches that point, he has been muted for years.
- Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
- After I moved to the South, I learned the plural for grits is “them grits.”
- Anyone who makes the new secretary of state mad is going to get steamed Rice.
- Good heavens! A fight and stabbing at a hip-hop awards show? It boggles the mind to think that such a thing could happen.
- PETA people say that fish are just as intelligent as people. True – if those people are PETA people.
- Hey PETA, I only eat the fish dumb enough to end up on my hook!
- Is the new duet by Nelly and Tim McGraw part of Bush’s plan to unite America?
- It was so cold at the courthouse today, the lawyers had their hands in their own pockets.
- Will the Bill Clinton Presidential Library have an Adults Only section?
- The key to healthy living in Atlanta is Vitamin G ... grits and gravy!
- Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.
- That blue lint that accumulates in your bellybutton was caused by your blue genes.
- Radio stations: The Christmas season doesn’t start until after Thanksgiving. Ho-ho stop it already!

Vents I Sent:
- The Patriot Act was passed 98-1 in the Senate, and filled in the gaps of laws that existed pre-9/11. Stop believing the kooky conspiracy theories and think for yourself.
- It takes more faith to believe that human beings evolved from the random interaction of molecules (which somehow came into existence) than to believe in a Creator. (From “I Don't Have Enough Faith to Be an Atheist,” the book I’m currently reading)

11. "These are the most impressive stacks of any presidential library"

From the November 19 Late Show with David Letterman, the "Top Ten Things Overheard at the Opening of the Clinton Library."

10. "I'm sorry, this part of the library is strictly for 21-and-over."

9. "A library in Arkansas -- well, now I've seen everything."

8. "The hours are 9 to ???"

7. "This is the first presidential library I've seen with hourly rates."

6. "He has the largest collection of adult magazines since Herbert Hoover."

5. "Don't forget to try the snack bar's impeachment cobbler."

4. "That concludes our ceremony -- you're all invited to stay for ham hocks and moonshine."

3. "Damn, Bubba has a huge desk."

2. "It's the only presidential library with a ladies' night."

1. "Security to the front -- Kerry is here sobbing again."

Can you hear me now?

Technological marvels continue to amaze - Sunday afternoon I'm on my cellphone, driving in the pouring rain to the mall here in Atlanta, talking to Dad on his cellphone, who is in Sao Paulo, Brazil. What is this, the 21st century? Next thing I know, you'll tell me that the Internet is for more than chat rooms and p0rn.

Monday, November 22, 2004

Jeff around the world

Scientists are flooding the Grand Canyon to restore beaches and save fish and plants that have been disappearing since sediment-free water began flowing from a man-made dam 40 years ago.

This is really just a shallow way for me to brag that I've been to the Glen Canyon Dam where the controlled flood was opened.

Little white lies don't count, right?

Outplacement firm Challenger, Gray & Christmas estimates that 10 percent to 30 percent of job seekers shade the truth or flat-out lie on their resumes.

This might be a decent time to admit to my bosses here at CNN that I'm not really Ted Turner's long lost nephew and co-owner of the Atlanta Braves. Oopsie!

Mmmmm ... donuts

Awesomely incredible doughnut confectioner Krispy Kreme is seeing a freefall in its stock due to lower income forecasts. Okay, people, who isn't doing their part to save the crullers? Is someone buying inferior Dunkin Donuts? Stop it! Don't glaze over the problem! Think of the children!

Some people are so picky

The Consumer Product Safety Commission compiled its annual top 10 list of children's product safety recalls to coincide with the start of the holiday shopping season.

Surprisingly, toys not included include Graco's Box O' Baby Tacks, the Furby Anti-Tank Missile and Hasbro's Shards of Glass Action Set.

Better get extra security at Best Buy

I don't wish to alarm anyone who will be shopping tomorrow, but beware the rush to the electronics department. What monumental event is happening? Only the DVD release of the Golden Girls complete first season. Reserve your copy now. I hear Rue McClanahan is giving out freebies to the first ten-thousand buyers.

And eat it, too

Two girls near me in Marietta are in trouble with the law for giving fellow students a poisoned cake. Yet, people hand out fruitcakes as Christmas gifts every year and aren't punished? What kind of unjust world is this?

Sunday, November 21, 2004

St. Rude

Before the movie today, there was an ad asking people to support St. Jude Research Hospital, featuring several famous entertainers. Being a Memphian who feels that St. Jude is one of the best things about my hometown, I would normally be all for this effort. However, during the ad, Sarah Jessica Parker has the nerve to talk about "our research." Um, Sarah darling, don't try to hone in on the credit of all the doctors who are really doing the work of saving kids. Just donate all of those outfits from "Sluts in the City" that make you look like a 15-year-old boy in drag, and let the specialists take credit for their successes.

What's in it for me?

In the mail today (well, not today, it's Sunday - you caught me, feel better now, Superdude?), I got a solicitation from the Cobb County Christmas Fund Drive for the Salvation Army. Guess what? They want me to give them money, and they didn't even put in some free address labels or stationary or Christmas cards? What do they think I am, Mr. Nice-Guy Moneybags? C'mon, they didn't even try!

And then the March of Dimes, which I did give money to last year, sent a letter asking for more money and somehow feels they don't have to provide any freebies, either!

Don't they know that some day, I will complete my statue of David built solely from charity address labels, but only the good ones, not the cheapies that are hard to peel and don't stick.

Bastard charities and their "ooh, look at us, helping the underprivileged" goody goody intentions.

Better not sucra-suck

Coca-Cola announced that the diet drink Tab might be reformulated using a sweetener called sucralose.

Mr. Coke, I just want to point out the two women picketing your offices. That would be my mother and my aunt. Should the taste change at all, I would advise you take the back entrance from now on.

Makes me feel like dancing

Please don't spread this post to Dr. Phil or any of his handlers, because I value my knees, but the best talk-show on television now is from Ellen DeGeneres. I actually got turned onto it because a guy at work (yes, you read that right) watches it every afternoon.

Unlike her sitcom once it became all "look at me, I'm gay," her talk show is always good for an hour and there's a dance sequence where she boogies after the monologue and with her guests, who are standing in line to get on. (Really, it's embarrassing to see Minnie Driver out in the shivering cold looking for a chance to get in Ellen's chair. What happened to Minnie, anyway? All that good will from Good Will Hunting vanished faster than Ashlee Simpson's credibility.)

It's the kind of fun physical bits interacting with the audience and staff that have made Conan O'Brien funny for years, but you won't get that love from Oprah and her Evil Empire, having to buy adoration in the form of new cars. Witch.

Friday, November 19, 2004

Filling the void with flicks

What's this? A new movie review? Wow, Jeff must be lonely and bored again! Welcome back, Movie Reviewing Jeff! He would like you to check out National Treasure for your weekend entertainment needs. It's a Jerry Bruckheimer movie, so be sure to buy plenty of stock in Acme for your national document-stealing needs.

I'm super, thanks for asking

Jeff diet life plan update:

Yesterday I was wearing size 48 slacks. I realized today that I don’t have to go shopping for new pants this weekend. Today I’m wearing size 44 slacks. I have more from my thinner days, down to 40, so I should at least save money in the short run. Then, however, once I’m way down, I’ll love nothing else than to shop till I drop for a FABULOUS thin wardrobe. I’ll actually look at magazines like Men’s Health and think, “Yeah, I could pull that off.” Because if we’re honest, nothing looks good on you when you’re fat.

The key is exercise, but my eating habits are improving. On weekends I’ll allow myself one or two freebie meals, such as buffalo wings or a burger and fries, but during the week I’m more strict. Today, for instance, I woke up “early” (for me, at least) to go to the 12:30 premiere of National Treasure. I knew I’d be tempted to scarf down a hot dog and nachos if I didn’t eat, so I nuked a bowl of veggie soup and ate a third of it on my way out the door. It worked. Nothing but water for me at the concessions, thank you.

Thursday, November 18, 2004

The skinny on Jeff

Jeff diet life plan update:

I’m noticeably losing inches around the waist now, most importantly by people telling me I’m “streamlining” (thanks, Trish!), and I’ve run out of loops in my belt. I had to poke first one, then a second new hole for my pants to hold up, so this weekend I had better have some Me time to buy a new belt and slacks. Yeah, I know, next weekend I’m dyeing my hair, currently I’m using Crest Whitestrips to whiten my teeth, and now new clothes. I’m such a chick.

Ow! Stop throwing things! Okay, okay!

I’m still not eating healthy enough, so that’s a place to work on if I want to lose the poundage faster. That is so crazy, it just might work!

The biggest change has been at the gym, where I go five days a week before work. Two months ago I could barely manage 50 skips on the jump rope. Today I did 200 and felt lazy for stopping. So I did 200 ab crunches, 25 hard minutes on the elliptical cross-trainer and worked on my arms using the strength training equipment. I’m still not comfortable enough to hang out among the ripped dudes who lift and clang the free weights on the other side of the gym. Let me get skinny first while toning, then I’ll decide if I want noticeable muscles. You know, I don’t want to show off or anything. … *eye roll*

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Ready for our close-up

NASA is about to launch a spacecraft to study gamma ray bursts, and did you know that those suckers aren't exactly friendly?
"If it was close, it might literally boil off the atmosphere," said Keith Mason, of the Mullard space science laboratory of University College London.

Heckydoodle! Why haven't we heard demands to build a $3 trillion shield around the planet to protect us from this danger? Maybe it'll ding some of those planet-destroying asteroids, too! Could it restore the ozone layer and prevent global warming, too? Maybe it can also bring back "Firefly" on Fox, keep Tara Reid clothed at all times and provide free pizza and wings on weekends.

I'd be a lot more impressed if the spacecraft could deflect rays back into space like an interstellar ping-pong paddle.

Not exactly Washington-esque

Instapundit points to an article about the insurgents we're fighting in Falluja and Mosul:

Such is the fear that the heavily armed militants held over Fallujah that many of the residents who emerged from the ruins welcomed the US marines, despite the massive destruction their firepower had inflicted on their city.

This is Michael Moore on April 14th, comparing the Bad Guys in Iraq to those who fought for our country's birth:
The Iraqis who have risen up against the occupation are not "insurgents" or "terrorists" or "The Enemy." They are the REVOLUTION, the Minutemen, and their numbers will grow -- and they will win.

It's not that fartknocker Mikey is against the U.S., he's just on the other side.

Size 8? I'll be happy with size 40 again

Rachel feels my and your pain in losing weight. A friend of Sydney's in Nashville (and classmate of ours at Union U.), Rachel is keeping track in her Diet Chronicles (click on link at bottom). Funny stuff, and too true. An excerpt:
The thing about this diet is that it's so strict and so high maintenance and labor intensive, that by the end of every day after I've eaten the last required item, I feel like I just got off work. Then every morning when I get up, I'm thinking, "dude, I didn't cheat at all yesterday. I must have lost 3 pounds!" And I fully expect my clothing to be all loose. In one day. And so far? They fit exactly the same. And every other day when I go in to weigh, I expect to see that number down by at least 2-3. And it's down by maybe .2 or .4. Which is actually good, but not as encouraging as you would think, given that I'm bloated with roughage and had to sit in my office all day knowing there were Krispy Kremes in the kitchen, which I did not touch.

Get over it

I love my business. We're going to talk about how upset millions of people are over the Monday Night Football opening that included a nekkid chick from "Desperate Housewives," and we're going to show it over and over and over and over.

As for my take on the whole shebang, I don't care. I thought the piece was lame if cute and not one bit offensive. I'm actually more upset that it wasn't Felicity Huffman undressing instead of Nicollette Sheridan. I may still adore Felicity from "Sports Night" way back when, but she's definitely a babe. Others may go with Teri Hatcher, but you can never tell if she's going to be Lois Lane-hot or Radio Shack-fugly.

Last one to Iceland is a rotten egg!

In my ongoing attempt to pretend everything in my life is hunky-dory, thankfully we have the return of the best reality show on television, The Amazing Race, to aid in getting away from reality.

Eleven teams began in Chicago, “the gateway to the Midwest,” as our man, Phil, tells us. Um, you might want to take that up with St. Louis, dude, ‘cause they have this whole arch thing saying the same thing. Couldn’t he have more rightly said, “Where baseball players go to suck,” or “home of Ferris Bueller”?

It didn’t take long for our Racers to get out of Chicago, either, flying to Iceland where they spent the rest of the two-hour premiere.

After landing the folks had to drive to a waterfall. This, apparently, is very difficult for some of the competitors who drove right past it after looking right at it. At least twice I heard someone ask, “Is that a waterfall?” No, genius, it’s just a river pouring over the edge of a big hill. Keep looking!

From there the Racers found the Ice parts of Iceland, driving a snowmobile to a remote camp on top of a glacier, where they’d stay for the night. This is where the show’s producers fart in our blankets. Even though many of the Racers were seemingly hours behind, they pretty much caught up at the camp, just minutes behind when the shuttles left in the morning.

The next day the pairs either did some ice climbing or hopped on a boat in a lake full of icebergs to look for this itty-bitty buoy to find their next clue. There weren’t any Roadblocks or Fast Forwards this leg, so there weren’t any really difficult challenges. Most of the distance between teams came from navigating the roads in the country. The next stop was the pit stop, the elimination point, at a hot spring near the ocean.

The skinny Brooklyn guys got the boot in the end. Usually the New York Jew guys are great comic relief and worth rooting for, but this pair was pretty dull, so no loss.

As for the rest, naturally, my um, instincts, have me rooting for the hot blonde Mormon sisters from Utah (Really, they are? Wow, that seems unlikely). And doesn’t “Hot Blonde Mormons” sound like a cool name for a band? Or at least a fantastic calendar.

The best team, however, looks to be Hayden and Aaron, the “dating actors,” whatever that means. I think it means they both work as servers in a restaurant, doing off-off Broadway once every five years. But that’s just me. At least they’re both likeable and bemoaned that all of the other couples kept getting into “you’re stupid, no you’re stupider, moron” arguments, and realized that all the name-calling wasn’t helping.

Elsewhere, let’s run down the other eight teams left:

Adam & Rebecca are short and annoying. He was nicknamed Hellboy by another team for the hair horns on top of his head, and she started pumping unleaded gas into their car all the while asking if they needed Diesel. Forget that the door to the tank, plus the gas cap both said “Diesel” on them.

Don & Mary Jean, the grandparents, seemed to be driving in circles most of the time. She’s got a lot of spunk, but I think poor Don has checked out of life and the Race already. I don’t think he gives a flip.

Freddy & Kendra are engaged models and as such, I hope they die. Kidding. I really know nothing about them, other than their early boast that they know the nuances of airports, followed by a lady at a counter saying that she can only get them to Canada, not Iceland, so why are they bothering her?

The requisite father-daughter team is Gus & Hera. She seems sweet, but the Dad exists only to tell her to stop having fun. We’re told he works for the CIA, so I won’t tell him this to his face lest I be reported “missing.”

Jonathan & Victoria are the Most. Annoying. Couple. Ever. He won’t stop yelling, in fun and anger, and she just whines and bitches and moans and complains that he’s yelling. Both of you, shut the f*** up.

Dating long distance are Kris & John. Don’t do it! Run away! For the love of Pete, this can’t end well!

Lori & Bolo are “professional” wrestlers, which won’t really help them unless they’re allowed to put other Racers into a sleeper hold. I would say that at least they can both kick my ass, but dude was in pain just running to the train station in Chicago. Not to say that they’re idiots, but I’m pretty sure that I could outsmart both of them just by telling them to count to ten while I ran away. That would give me a five-minute head start.

Finally, this year's Girl Power team is Meredith & Maria. The cute friends from Queens were lost the entire first show, yet somehow finished in the top ten. I think the producers were feeding them information to ensure their return next week.

Crikey, those middle Americans are dangerous!

Kathleen Parker on the media's sudden obsession with Red America:
The media seem suddenly, if belatedly, obsessed, approaching the evangelical Christian voting block as anthropologist Margaret Mead did the Samoans. Chris Matthews suggested on "Hardball" that reporters should be sent out to cover the red states as one might a foreign country. You can imagine the scramble. Among least coveted assignments, embedding with Real Americans would be second only to spending August in Crawford, Texas.

Because I live in South Carolina, I've gotten a few calls myself from television and radio producers seeking insight. I feel like Jane Goodall being summoned from the hinterlands to report on the behavioral habits of the indigenous wildlife.

"Fascinating," I picture them saying as they stroke their chins. "They even go to church on Wednesdays, too? Whatever for?!"

Why, for the beheadings, of course. OK, I'm kidding. It's the snakes.

Read the whole thing.

Crazy talk

Saddam Hussein diverted money from the U.N. oil-for-food program to pay millions of dollars to families of Palestinian suicide bombers who carried out attacks on Israel, say congressional investigators who uncovered evidence of the money trail.

What? That's insane! Saddam had nothing to do with terrorism! Every Democrat has said so, and they know everything!

Today's hearing, however, will focus on a French bank that handled most of the money for the program.

But when the French refused to oust Saddam they were only acting to protect the world's interest of no blood for oil! This is all Republican lies to protect the Bushies and the Saudi buddies!

You may (or may not) find happiness

Today's fortune cookie: "If your desires are not extravagant, they will be granted."

What, now fortune cookies are hedging their bets? Since when are they allowed to play it safe? Just tell me what I want to hear, dangit! What's extravagant to the person inserting the fortune into that six-year-old wafer may not be to me, after all. "They" may not be able to dream of dating Lauren Ambrose, but I see possibility. "They" don't care about seeing the world, but I envision a trip to Ireland in 2006 for the Ryder Cup, and traveling through Europe and Australia, and following the Lewis and Clark Trail to the Northwest. Those aren't wishes, baby, those are promises!

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Europe in orbit of our successes

The European Space Agency has a probe now circling the moon.

Way to go, Euros! Maybe in, say, another 35 years you can land a man on the surface!

Is Napoleon really in my ice cream?

The fun, quirky news of the day has been the eBay listing of a grilled-cheese sandwich in which a lady claims to see the Virgin Mary.

Big whoop. I saw Dom DeLuise in my mashed potatoes and gravy tonight at dinner, and you don't see me posting it for auction.

UPDATE: Brother-in-law, Joe, just called me to let me know that as part of the eBay fun with grilled cheese, his brother made another of a beloved icon. It's of Elvis.

Monday, November 15, 2004

What ya gonna do when we come fo' you now?

At work in Falluja: Team America, **** Yeah!.

The earrings shaped like dollar signs don't help, either

When you're under investigation for funneling federal money and you turn yourself in to the police, it's probably not a good idea PR wise to wear a coat that has six pounds of fur.

Fun without guilt

I have discovered Television Without Pity, and am better for it. Here's last week's "Enterprise" recap as an example:
Swimming with the floatie anvils of the Botany Bay, the Briar Patch, and cybernetics, the Khannabees prove they have no plan other than to take over, like, EVERYTHING and kill, like, EVERYONE. Dain'ta realizes this genetic mistake too late, and is briefly imprisoned by Mullet before being jettisoned by the Ugly One in a seriously nonexistent Klingon escape pod (a word to the writers: the Klingons don't have sheets, pillows, fuzzy blankets, or ESCAPE PODS!). Mullet consults with his magic mirror and learns that Dawsonella might be starting to look less fugly than he, so after some more ugly sex, he offs her. If you thought she was ugly in life, just check out the corpse. Quantum and Qrew rescue Dain'ta and destroy the Khannabees. Daint'a is reimprisoned and decides that he's god enough to create in his own image. Now all he needs is some pale grey paint and yellow contacts.

Friday, November 12, 2004

Thugs get no tears

Columnist Jeff Jacoby offers an excellent smack down of Yasser Arafat.

Arafat always inspired flights of nonsense from Western journalists, and his last two weeks were no exception.

Arafat's "undisputed courage as a guerrilla leader," Derek Brown wrote in The Guardian, was exceeded only "by his extraordinary courage" as a peace negotiator. But it is an odd kind of courage that expresses itself in shooting unarmed victims and exhorting other people to become suicide bombers -- or in signing peace accords and then flagrantly violating their terms.

Thursday, November 11, 2004

Red states give theirs, Blue states give others'

In the comments of my post celebrating Yasser Arafat's death, a guy named Tom posted an unrelated comment about why he voted for Kerry. In it, he says: "Remember Jesus stood first and foremost for helping the poor, underpriviledged and the abused."

Obviously Tom feels that only the government should be in charge of making sure people can make a living. I know we can look elsewhere. For instance, the 2003 National Generosity Index ranks states based on generosity, and the top 24 all went for Bush last week.

(Link courtesy Opinion Journal.)

Black gold, Alaska tea

Here it comes, the greenies are starting to get upset about the possibility of drilling in the desolate northern Alaska area known as ANWR. Because, you know, we shouldn't depend on foreign oil, we just shouldn't drill anywhere in the U.S. or open any new refineries. Forget that. I say, anyone got a good recipe for caribou?

Still not dreaming

Have I mentioned lately that the Red Sox won the World Series? It bears remembering. I'm just sayin', is all. Now, should I subscribe to Sports Illustrated for their Red Sox championship package, featuring a replica autograph ball, a case to hold it, and a hardback collector's edition of the magazine looking back at the season and the Series? Or do I want to buy groceries? Decisions, decisions . . .

If this is wrong, I don't want to be right

My hometown of Atlanta was ranked as the second “meanest” city to the homeless. The folks who made the list are upset that in the mornings the Atlanta Ambassador Force, assisted by police, wakes up the homeless around public and private areas and tells them to scram before people come into town for work or to visit. So if we’re “mean” because we’d rather not deal with the homeless while just trying to go to our jobs or make the town clean for tourists, then I don’t see this as a bad thing.

The best part of this report is that Little Rock was rated No. 1, largely because the city was accused of busting the chops of the homeless in order to make way for Bill Clinton’s presidential library.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

His body six feet under, his soul feeling toasty

Ding dong, Yasser's dead!

Couldn't have happened to a more despicable thug. The line forms on the right to dance on his grave.

All in the genes

Curt Schilling is thinking of auctioning off for charity the bloody sock he wore during game two of the World Series. Boston won that game easily, and Schilling cemented himself in Red Sox lore as an all-time hero.

I will buy the sock and use his blood for cloning, mixing with Ted Williams’ DNA, then hug him and squeeze my own little Curt Ballgame. Oh yes, together we would rule Red Sox Nation.

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

On second thought, stay the way the party is right now

The final advice column for Democrats in the wake of the election. A snippet:

Which leads to my next point: "If you don't want religious Americans to think that you hate them and their beliefs, maybe you should stop hating them and their beliefs." Little about the liberal post-mortem of this election reassures ordinary Americans that the Left has anything to say to them. When Thomas Frank argues that social conservatism is simply false consciousness, meant to distract the masses from their proletarian peonage, or when Jane Smiley whines that orthodox religious beliefs are merely a smokescreen with which to inculcate ignorance among the apparently cretinous masses, what can we conclude, except that the Left considers itself too good for non-Left votes?

Stick to the Sprite or Liquor

The Environmental Protection Agency is requiring airlines to check the water in planes in response to finding of bacteria.

Is this really a problem? Does anyone drink from the faucets on airplanes? You know, the ones a foot from the toilets? I'd rather drink the water from a flower vase; it would be safer and less colorful.

"Weekend at Yasser's," coming soon to a theater near you

Yasser Arafat is dead or alive, depending on who talks at any given moment. Earlier, a hospital spokesman said the Palestinian terror leader slipped into a "deeper coma." Oh, so he's only been mostly dead all day, then?

Tell me what you really think

The latest quotable Vents posted in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution (registration required):

- If you’re poor and act weird, you’re a wacko. If you’re rich and act weird, you’re an artistic genius.
- Conspiracy Theory No. 392: The flu vaccine shortfall is the government’s solution to the Social Security shortfall.
- Overheard at a Midtown bar: “Why do you want to go home? That’s where your husband’s at.”
- How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
- A friend from Memphis asked me how to avoid rush hour in Atlanta. My response was, "Stay in Tennessee."
- The French and Germans would have helped us in Iraq if we had paid them more than Saddam did.
- What's the big deal about Cher posing nude for her 60th birthday? None of her parts are originals, anyway.
- I'll bet it drives liberals crazy when they use the Internet and have to type Dubya-Dubya-Dubya.
- Fact: George W. Bush has done more for the women of Afghanistan and Iraq than any other person in 1,000 years. Do you believe he is as worthy as the recent Nobel laureate who plants trees?
- When I was young we used to go skinny-dipping. Now I just go chunky dunk.
- If the flu vaccine cured impotence, we’d be swimming in it.
- Cellphones should be marketed as “adult pacifiers.”
- My wife videotaped her hair just to look at the highlights.
- When my second-grader’s class was asked if anyone knew what season of the year it is now, he answered, correctly in my opinion, “deer.”
- If my body is a temple, I’m changing religions.
- Is Viagra considered a recreational drug?
- Now that Church’s Chicken has been sold to an Islamic investment bank, will they change the name to Mosque’s Chicken?
- Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
- Thursday’s front page was the most beautiful the AJC has ever had. Our country looks great in red!

Vents I Sent:
- If Teresa thinks Laura Bush never had a real job, since when is marrying billionaires a realistic career?
- I take it all back. While we're freeing two countries from the boot of tyranny, France is doing its part by expelling little girls wearing headscarves to school.
- Instead of banging their spoons on their high chairs, maybe it would be more constructive of the left-wing to remember that they need many of these "morons" to vote for their guy in 2008.
- The great liberal thinkers have decided that instead of doing another four years of lame Bush-is-a-moron cracks they're going to do four years of lame Americans-are-morons cracks.
- Voting for "moral issues" doesn't just mean anti-abortion or anti-gay marriage; it's a rejection of the elitist culture strutted by Michael Moore, Barbra Streisand their ilk.
- From the new Democrat handbook, “How to win back the South”: Tell them they’re all inbred, retarded, homophobic Jesus freaks.

Monday, November 08, 2004

Photo alert!

Pop on over to the main page to see pictures from the Halloween bash at Kimberly's! I promise I was sober enough to take pictures, but I can't vouch for the rest of the partygoers!

In case you haven't seen it in awhile, you can also still see last year's pictures.

If those pictures aren't enough to satisfy your need to watch other people have fun (really, you should look into therapy), catch more of the Memphis gang at George and Katherine's wedding from mid-October.

Sorry (but not really)

Whether you want to whine and tell the world that you apologize for Bush's re-election or want to tell the world and the left-wing to stick it, you've got company!

Stumbling back into view

Sorry for the lack of posting, but I've been trying to catch up.

Also, I've been working on my website to post the pictures from my vacation. First up, photos from my following the Red Sox as they won the World Series. You heard about that, right?

Next, I'm captioning photos from the Halloween party, so hopefully you'll have those by Tuesday.

As for the weekend, Saturday was busier than Sunday, but not by much. First off I stopped by the sports bar to watch the Georgia game and play trivia, where in one hour I got two of the top ten high scores for the past month. That's right, YAZ rules, and if I had more time I'm sure I could have run the table. No time, though, since I wanted to spend a while at the driving range, not just hitting balls but practicing chipping, too. It's been a bit since I've swung the clubs, so I needed the refresher.

Next, The Incredibles, which isn't one of Pixar's best. Okay, so that's like saying Red River isn't John Wayne's best, but it's still better than most anything else out there. The Incredibles was funny in parts, but the zany gutbusters weren't frequent, and the moral tale outweighed the comedy too much. It looks good, though, and will entertain audiences of all ages, getting a lot of capital out of the superhero genre.

Saturday night I didn't get anything accomplished. I just drove. Sometimes it just feels good to get in the car, turn on the radio, roll down the windows and head nowhere in particular. I did have a destination, a Wal-Mart Supercenter that usually takes 20 minutes on the highway. It took me almost three hours to make it there and back, using every side road imaginable. I just wanted to think, which may or may not be safe with a two-ton car under me.

Sunday was pretty dull, since I left the apartment just once in the afternoon for a Target run. Otherwise I watched football, Fox's Sunday night lineup premieres, the Masterpiece Theater showing of "Henry VIII," and the History Channel's three-hour special on Alexander the Great. Back to Fox, I hate to say it but the "Treehouse of Horror" wasn't one of The Simpsons' best. I only laughed at one, the Fantastic Voyage spoof, and that's because I'm a fan of the movie, with or without Racquel Welch's tight (oh, so tight) suit.

Thursday, November 04, 2004

Y'all come back now, y'hear?

In Osama bin Laden’s latest Michael Moore-like rant against the U.S., he says Bush went to war in Iraq for the country’s ”black gold”. Later, he excoriated the president for profiting in Texas Tea, and said the administration should move away from there, meaning the Pakistan-Afghanistan border where bin Laden’s Granny is shootin' up some food. Now its time to say good-bye to Osama and all his kin, and they would like to thank you folks fer kindly droppin' MOAB in.

You lost. Now be funny.

One of the minor highlights of Tuesday's Bush win, I can read the comic pages and not cringe whenever I get to Doonesbury, Boondocks, La Cucaracha, Non Sequitur and the other strips that regularly launched diatribes against the president and conservatives in general.

Jeff's a Dork: Episode MMXXII

Guess what? I get AOL free through work. Guess what again? The new Star Wars Episode III trailer is available today for AOL users. Guess what what? I’m going to check it out right now!!!!!!

Don’t worry, tonight it’s on Access Hollywood and tomorrow on The Incredibles. Everyone gets a chance eventually to see what we’ll be standing in line for next May 19.


Seen it!

Okay, first instinct, not bad. Not much dialogue, and clips of the new movie will need to be replayed over and over again the next few minutes to tell what’s going on. The first half shows shots from Episode II, plus IV, listening to Alec Guiness describe how Darth Vader turned to the Dark Side. Quickly enough we see shots of Vader and hear the Emperor. Out of the flashes of III, you’ll probably focus most on the Wookies armed for war. Looks like Lucas is showing us what VI might have been!

Second viewing: Like hearing the Imperial March theme so profoundly. This will be a dark movie, and I’m excited about that. I want to see how Vader wipes out the Jedi. Noticed a couple of shots of Yoda getting ready to slice and dice, too, but otherwise some of the main characters like Natalie Portman and the gaybots get one-tenth of a second. Looks like the money shots will be the fight between Anakin and Obi-Wan by the lava pits.

Am I ecstatic? Did Han shoot first? And if you're a purist, you know the answer.


Has anyone seen the trailer for Nicole Kidman's new movie, Birth? It's friggin' creepy. There's a ten-year-old kid who says he's her dead husband, and she let's her mind wander a little much. Child molestation comes to mind. At least in, say, Chances Are, Robert Downey Jr. was in college when he hit on his, um, wife, Cybill Shepherd.

Random thoughts

Instead of letting BellSouth phone rape me for $40 a month, I made the switch to smaller competitor Talk America for $15 a month, with cheaper long distance rates. Today a BellSouth van was sitting outside my apartment all afternoon, and when I walked out to my car to go to the gym, the worker in the driver seat just stared at me, unflinchingly. Is the Phone Monopoly Mafia stalking me?

Have you ever pulled out of a parking lot or made a quick turn to beat traffic, and accidentally squealed your tires as a result? Does anyone else but me feel like a wanker when this happens?

Attention, out-of-state drivers passing through Atlanta on our highways. Those big square green signs overhead are there to direct you in whatever way you need to go. Please note this for future reference, and don’t wait until you’re on the wrong exit ramp to hope I’ll let you back into my lane over the solid white lines. Thank you for your attention.

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

We're agreed: We agree

Does anyone else find their ears bleeding when the talking heads start saying that this was such a divisive election? I believe the word they're looking for is "Duh." Someone point out any election in American history where the electorate came together and said, "Yeah, we all pretty much agree on every issue. Let's just let Bob run the White House."

The beat goes on

I'm home now, watching with the rest of you at 1:30 a.m. in what is now Wednesday morning, and the drama continues.

Currently, Bush is projected to have 249 electoral votes. If he wins Ohio, that's up to 269. He needs 270 to win outright, meaning that if Kerry won all the rest of the states up for grabs, the race would be tied. Then, the House of Representatives decides. Republicans control the House. But does anyone want the presidency decided this way? Wasn't 2000 enough with the whole crap about "The Supreme Court placed Bush in the presidency"?

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

For a moment, I was popular

When I walked into my apartment last night for the first time in well over a week, I had nine messages on the answering doodad with that phone thingy. When I hit Play, even the lady's voice sounded impressed, "you have NINE messages," noting the nine as if she couldn't believe her luck to be associated with such a stud as myself.

It was nice for a second, at least. Eight of the messages were from candidates who urgently needed my vote today. One was from my supervisor when he forgot I was out of town.

Today, back to being a nobody with zero messages.

Up your butt, Jobu

What's a world championship to celebrate without a little controversy? Some commentators and Major League officials are in a tizzy that before the last two ALCS games and all four Series contests some Red Sox players passed around shots of Jack Daniels.

Whatever. I don't care if they sacrificed live chickens as long as they won.

Personally, I eat a few Twizzlers at work to perform to my high-ish standards. We all have our rituals.

UPDATE: Also in the blog entry above, Boston Globe blogger Eric Wilbur gets this letter:

Interesting thing I thought of the other day...... Yankee/Red Sox fans may want to consider this come Tuesday. Since at least 1960 The Yankees have won 8 World Series titles and none have been won with a Republican as President!

1961 JFK
1962 JFK
1977 Carter
1978 Carter
1996 Clinton
1998 Clinton
1999 Clinton
2000 Clinton

Wilbur's response: "Why the Republicans haven’t used this as their platform is beyond me."

I will personally pay for the promos: "Elect a Republican, keep the Damn Yankees from Winning!"

No you're not alone

Indeed. Everyone has had more sex than you.

Voting early and often

As of 2:45 p.m. EST it was official: I am a participant in the American electoral process. My civic duty achieved, freedom and liberty still prevail in a world where George W. Bush is the president of the United States of America.

It wasn't an easy process, by any means. The weather was cloudy, but muggy. Voters were forced to stand out in the elements for upwards of an hour. Morale was low, but spirits were still high in anticipation that any minute their lives would be worth living. No pressure, but the future of Western Civilization hangs in the balance.

Remember, as P. Diddy and H. Pappy and Q. Doody say, "Vote or die!" Yeah, it's a little extreme, but their world depends on it. Only hipsters who vote can buy albums intoning bitches to swig gin and juice, laid back.

Naturally, of the three queues, mine was slowest. I swear the polling officials lines us up alphabetically using this format: A-C, D-F and G-Z. All I know is that I arrived at the same time as a girl who went in another line, and she was done voting and probably in another precinct voting for Kerry before I was even inside the building.

Georgia is a touch-screen state, so once I did get my ballot it took 30 seconds. George W. Bush for president - check. Republican, Republican, Republican, Republican, Republican, Federalist, Republican, Republican, Whig, Republican, Republican, no party listed and I don't know who these people are so no vote, in a gerrymandered Congressional district with an unopposed Democrat so no vote cast, vote in favor of state constitutional amendment making marriage only between a man and a woman.

My duty done, it's time to work out and then work. Morale is high again.

Election Day fun at work

Today is the kind of day working at a certain cable news network in Georgia is the most exciting. Folks are running around, the network feeds us fattening foods all night, new flashy graphics are brought out and extra staff is on hand. We've held a few rehearsals the last couple of weeks, of which I've attended just one due to my vacation last week, but I'm all set to go. In 2000 I was still low enough on the totem pole that I didn't participate much. This year, though, I'm up the ladder and important enough to get to take part in the live action. The control room will be full of yelling and shuffling, yet in the all the controlled chaos as long as everyone does their part it looks fine on air.

Monday, November 01, 2004

$2 for Bush

Made it official in our work pool tonight: Bush wins and the election is called at 1 a.m. I have two dollars riding on it, baby!

UPDATE: For tiebreaker purposes, I said Bush would win 301 electoral votes.