Friday, October 29, 2004

My Wednesday in St. Louis - Best. Sports. Day. Ever.

Um, is the world still on its axis? Can someone go outside and check, just to make sure? That’d be great. Thanks.

Things are going well for the Jeffster. Talking to Mom recently, she said that now is the time to play the lottery. Can’t argue there.

It’s Day Red Sox win the World Series plus two. Still kind of numb about it, unable to believe that it really happened. I’m sure it did, since I was in St. Louis and all, and celebrated in the stands with thousands of other fans clad in B hats and Red Sox jerseys. Still, next spring we’ll all still be wandering around, thinking, “We won the Series, right? Pinch me. Ow! Yep, still the champions.” (Nerd alert) Must be how Luke and Leia and Han and the rest of the rebellion felt after ridding the world of the Ring and the Evil Empire associated with it.

Is my life really changed? I guess not. The doom and gloom that comes came with being a Sox fan won’t be missed. Not at all. Those folks who say that the aura of the Red Sox Nation is over and there’s no draw anymore, just don’t understand. No one wants to be a lovable loser. Ask Cubs fans. Boston is never going to be “just another team,” simply because of the size of Red Sox World, an international conglomerate of baseball enthusiasts who appreciate the history, tradition and character of the team from the Fens. columnist Bill Simmons posts letters from readers in today’s edition, more than one using the metaphor that the Sox winning the World Series is a good thing based on dating. This is something that perked me up, with my recent success in this field. They said that it’s like the friend who could never get a girlfriend, and all seemed hopeless. Then one day it happens and he’s taken:

Suddenly he is hanging out at bars with her, holding her hand, smiling and being calm, personable and content … As far as his friends are concerned, they have lost a source of great material. A piece of the group dynamic is missing. But he doesn't care about the part he played as the pathetic, desperate loser. He is just happy. All those people who say Red Sox fans have lost their identity are just upset that they no longer have stories of curses and failure and heart-ache to tell. We're just happy, and wouldn't trade this for all the identities in the world.

I've been in Memphis all week, having taken a vacation the week of the World Series, before the season even started. How's that for jinxing the Sox? But I didn't! Dad did the same and we were going to find them wherever we could. Thankfully St. Louis is only a 4 hour drive north, so Wednesday morning we drove up for game four with the Sox up in the Series, 3-0, on the Cardinals.

Leaving at 9:50 a.m., we stopped twice, once for lunch in Blytheville, Ark., and another time south of St. Louis to change into our Red Sox jerseys. Actually, Dad wore one of mine, that I had embroidered with Boston legend Carl Yastrzemski’s name and number 8. I wore current catcher Jason Varitek's home 33. My road jersey has Nomar's 5, so I'm not sure I can ever wear it again.

Gretchen Wilson remade her hit song “Redneck Woman” for her home state, titled “Redbirds Fever.” That’s nice and all, but you’re still gonna lose, baby! What? Who’s arrogant? Hey, I ain’t no high class dude, either.

There is apparently a rule in Missouri where construction crews must block off ten-mile stretches of interstate and force us to drive 35 mph the entire leg, yet they only work on 100 yards at a time. I don’t think that just because Missouri is the Show-Me State that we should be required to look at it while driving 35 on the highway.

Despite the lull, we breezed into downtown and parked in a garage literally across the street from Busch Stadium at 3 p.m. Only $20! (Why, I could get a pair of shoes with that!) It was time to face down the lowest form of humanity known to sports fankind: scalpers. *Shudder* Seriously, does anyone consider scalping a legitimate form of living? Is pimping or drug smuggling that much lower of a career choice?

I say this, of course, because tickets were impossible to come by. It was a seller's market, and hundreds of fans, mostly wearing Red Sox gear, holding up one or two fingers. We walked around Busch Stadium some five times in pursuit of tickets and souvenirs, coming up short on both ends. There were almost zero Red Sox souvenirs. Hello! There are thousands of Sox fans in the city!

It's like when we visit Tampa for a few games, half the fans are rooting for Boston yet there aren't any non-D'Ray souvenirs in the store. Dummies. I thought Major League Baseball was a for-profit organization? Quit bitching about money woes when you can’t figure out easy ways to make a few bucks, such as catering to your crowd. It’s like going to McDonald’s and one of the franchises refuses to sell McNuggets because they’re afraid Burger King workers down the street might buy some.

At first Dad and I stopped at a place near the stadium called Paddy O’s for dinner. Service was slow and there was one small TV in the room (in a sports bar!?), which meant this might not be the place to watch the game, which, then again, didn’t start for two hours. Still plenty of time to beg for tickets outside, am I right? That didn’t go so well, either. Now there are thousands of buyers and maybe two sellers. The cheapest tickets we were offered were about $500 a pop, and thanks, but until I win the lottery or rob a drug dealer in a noble citizen’s arrest and pocket some of their cash wads, I’ll hold off.

We ended up watching the game from across the street at a bar in the Westin hotel with a few other Sox fans, notably Ann Marie (a flight attendant!) and her ex-boyfriend, Jose, who flew up that morning for game four and were flying back out at 6 a.m. the next day, so like us, they wanted the Series to end with us in the city! The game progressed in our vicinity without much drama.

Cardinals fans outnumbered us, but had about as much crowd excitement as when the midget Latinos are in the ring at wrestling matches.

Did anyone else expect any other outcome before the game? The Red Sox were going to finish off the sweep no matter what, it seemed. When The Passion of Johnny Damon willed his first hit as a home run to lead off the game and bread and fish magically appeared at every concession stand, the 1% of remaining doubt vanished.

Well, I mean, to a point. This is still the Red Sox we’re talking about. Even though Dad’s adamant about not counting outs until the ninth inning, I started doing so in the middle of the game, silently.

Ten seconds before Trot Nixon laced a double off the wall to score two runs and put Boston up 3-0, I leaned over to Dad and remarked, “The Sox are really good at picking their spots on 3-0 counts.” (Meaning, of course, three balls and no strikes, a situation many managers would have the hitters take a pitch and hope for a walk. Boston knows when to swing, and has the green light to get the big numbers.)

The grill wasn’t exactly a sports bar, but it had a chair for me and a TV to watch, and that’s all I needed. Well, that and finger foods. We settled on margherita (Yes! Spelled it right the first time! High five!) pizza, which was cold and tasted funny, then we had it reheated and it was hot, soft and tasted funny later. As if I could eat after the fourth inning anyway. Pshaw!

By the seventh inning, my legs are flip-flopping under the table more than John Kerry’s international “secret plan.” In the eighth inning, I’m watching the game through a hole in the top of my cap. By the ninth inning I’m standing up, bouncing up and down like Tigger on speed, until that final out.


Jumping up and down, high-fiving and hugging complete strangers, it’s party time. I made sure to give Dad a big hug, because none of the experience would be the same if the man who sired me as a Red Sox fan hadn’t been there.

Afterwards, the Card fans were all very gracious and many came out of their way to say that if they couldn’t win, they were glad it was Boston. Damn straight. We were just happy to be there; if the Yanks had been playing all their arrogant and obnoxious fans would have had St. Louis in a pissed-off tizzy. It follows everywhere the Bleepin’ Yanks go, like a silent, smelly fart you are trying to pretend not to have produced in public.

One of the guys there was Ron Darling, former Major League pitcher, known to us as on the staff of the Mets in ’86. He made sure to say congratulations to all of us celebrating, which was cool of him.

Steve managed to call me a couple of times, but because of the crush of callers around the area he got the “all circuits are busy” message a few times. Scott and Jenn left me a message, and Dad was able to make sure they sufficiently celebrated the win down in Texas, etc.

A few minutes later, Dad and I and the flight attendant and her ex made our way to Busch Stadium through a surreal mob of red-clad St. Louis fans who just stared blankly at us like they were in the Dawn of the Dead and couldn’t believe we infiltrated their zombie party. Avoiding having our brains eaten, Ann Marie led the way into the lower level entrance where the locker rooms are and sweet talked the attendant into letting us through. Eventually I heard that all Red Sox fans were let into the Stadium, but we didn’t want to take the chance so we lied.

Um, if you’re under 12 and evaluating your morals, hey, sorry, but sometimes a little white lie is okay.

Inside the Stadium was Red Sox pandemonium. Thousands of Boston fans lined the third base dugout where the players, managers, owners, family and probably even some tailors mingled and celebrated on the field. I looked around, thinking how smelly this same crowd would be by April, because Red Sox fans are so superstitious that we’re all saying, “I’ll never take off this jersey/hat/jeans/shoes/underwear” again!

First things first was to take pictures, especially with the big animated sign in the outfield that read “Congratulations Boston Red Sox 2004 World Series Champions.” The last time a sign said that was by accident in ’86 when the Mets put it on the board when trailing in the tenth. Oops.

There were plenty of St. Louis fans who stuck around, especially on the first base side, taking in the spectacle of a World Series final, but by and large there were Sox fans overloading the place. Boston Globe blogger Eric Wilbur on the scene:

This was different winning this here (Wednesday) night as opposed to the pandemonium in New York, where Sox fans partied in the enemy’s house. Here, it was like, “Oh, well. Jolly good show then. Feel free to jam out here. Just shut off the lights on your way out, OK chaps?”

Dad and I made our way the fifth row to take pictures and chant and cheer every single person affiliated with the win. I'm pretty sure there was a chant for GM Theo Epstein's parents, too, not to mention Curt Schilling’s doctor. The baseball gods doth shine down on us. EXTREMELY good times.

Imagine it’s the end of The Goonies, and every person on the beach finds a pouch full of One-Eyed Willie’s precious jewels. It was that boisterous.

We left an hour after the final pitch, hopping in the car a little before Midnight and encountered no traffic since the Card fans were long gone. I was tired, but wired, and looking for every sports/talk station I could find to hear them talk about the win, pausing to shove in a Twizzler and Diet Cherry Coke while Dad napped on and off. I made only one stop, north of Arkansas (motto: “Nothing to see here. Please move along”), breezing through the Missouri fog until we got back at 4:30 Thursday morning. Still on cloud nine.

Because, you know, the Red Sox won. The World Series. That will never get old.

Thankfully, 1918 is just another year now. I guess it's when WWI ended. Oh, and the Sox won their fifth of six titles. As some paper headlined Thursday, the long wait has been 86'd and we're free!

Um, now what?

Oh yeah. Duh. The victory party, which should last about, oh, five years!

Uh-huh. Wait until next June if the Sox drop two of three in Bleepin’ Yankee Stadium. “You bums, kick those friggin’ New Yawkers butts!”

It’s a brave new world for Red Sox fans. Let us begin anew, and hope that I’m not telling my grandchildren in sixty years about how I was in St. Louis in 2004 for their last World Series title.

How about a joke to end on?

Q. What do you call 25 guys watching the World Series?

A. The Yankees.

Thursday, October 28, 2004

Oh. My. Goodness

Yes, Dad and I were among the gi-normous throngs of Red Sox fans celebrating inside Busch Stadium (yet we didn't have tickets ... hmmm) after Boston finished off St. Louis in St. Louis Wednesday for our first World Series since 1918.

Now it's 4:30 a.m., we're back in Memphis and exhausted. Details to come, and pictures once I get back to Atlanta next Monday.

Saturday, October 23, 2004

"Secrets to the Boston Red Sox Comeback"

Game six winning pitcher Curt Schilling, who defeated the Bleepin' Yankees despite having his ankle held together by crazy glue and rubber bands, read the top ten list on "The Late Show with David Letterman" this week:

10. Unlike the first three games, we didn't leave early to beat the traffic.
9. We put flu virus in Jeter's Gatorade.
8. Let's just say Pete Rose made some phone calls for us.
7. We asked Pokey Reese to be a little less pokey.
6. It's not like we haven't won a big game before—it's just been 86 years.
5. Honestly, I think we were tired of hearing about the Patriots.
4. The messages of encouragement Martha sent on prison napkins.
3. We pretended the baseball was Letterman's head.
2. What'd you expect? We have a guy who looks like Jesus!
1. We got Babe Ruth's ghost a hooker and now everything's cool.

Friday, October 22, 2004

Soxaholics Against Kerry

I've already made it public my detest that John Kerry pretends to be a sports fan. It's clear he has absolutely no interest or knowledge about professional sports, but he gets "credit" for rooting for the Red Sox simply because he lives in Boston.

You tell me, then. Would a true fan measure support for their team based on how it helps him politically?:

At the same time, as exemplified by carrying instead of wearing his cap, Kerry and his aides are wrestling with how to take advantage of the confluence of events, and limit the risk in doing so.

A Red Sox defeat would align Kerry with a loser, while his appearance at the World Series could trigger a chorus of boos within the ballpark, as happened in August when he threw out the first pitch at Fenway Park. That is something the campaign wants to avoid next week during a slate of rallies to build momentum before Election Day, which falls two days after a Game 7 in the Series would be played, if it is necessary -- and not delayed by rain.

We're still free to tease zombies

A Washington state school district is canceling its annual Halloween celebration because of worries it might be offensive to ....

wait for it ....


Picture pages

Wally has all kinds of new pictures up from his wedding and George and Katherine's wedding festivities!

(This includes a side trip for Kimberly to get a belly button ring, which really has nothing to do with the wedding party but looks fun anyway!)

Conservatives must re-enfranchise together!

"Democrats - who constantly decry Bush's "politics of fear" even as they warn of a draft and tell blacks they'll be disenfranchised - have taken the position that a Bush victory is by its very nature proof of voter fraud."

Jonah Goldberg today, in a must-read column on how the left-wingers plan to get ahead of stealing the election.

el ridiculoso

I don't want to name names, but our sports anchor last night (Michelle Bonner) told Terry Francona pre-interview that many Red Sox fans (meaning: her) were just happy to beat the Bleepin' Yanks no matter the World Series result.

Um, let me say this delicately: WTF ARE YOU SMOKING?

As they say in Spanish, this idea is el stupido.

Did the Goonies quit just because they advanced farther than Chester Copperpot? No! Did Wesley quit just because he'd been mostly dead all day? Heck no! Did John Wayne quit in The Shootist just because he had cancer? Well, sort of, but he took three wannabe heroes with him!

The year 1918 is not the last time the Sox beat New York, folks. Get a grip. Focus on St. Louis. Use the Series loss in '67 as inspiration, if you must, but get back in the game!

Oooooh, pretty buttons

I just noticed today that at my bank (Wachovia, account number 123-45-6789), I'm no longer asked to include a deposit slip when putting money in the ATM. Gadzooks, the world keeps advancing and I'm trying to catch up!

Big winner

I didn't want it to happen, but I must admit it happened, I have a new reality show addiction, NBC's The Biggest Loser. At first, I was concerned it would exploit fat people for ratings, but the first episode was just the opposite, even too sappy sometimes in how the show dealt with how overweight people try to adapt and overcome to their physical problem. No one pretends that they’re “big boned” or “trapped” by their genes. No, they freely admit they eat too much and not healthy enough.

If the show works out right, it could actually be downright inspiring. I’ve yo-yo’d a couple of times dieting the last five years, and since joining the gym mid-summer and working out every weekday before work, I’m feeling better and better. I can sympathize with these folks, although I can’t see that it would be terribly difficult to avoid sweets when you’ve got a camera in your face and national television watching. All of a sudden, those sausage links would be a little off-putting, me thinks. As long as they don’t tempt me with Zebra Cakes, we’re good to go.

Thursday, October 21, 2004

Houston up 1-0 in NLCS

Just a reminder of who predicted a Red Sox-Astros World Series: ME. (Don't pay attention to the other predictions, though. Foul.)

11:45 p.m. UPDATE: Okay, so it's St. Louis. Fine, shorter drive from Memphis next week. As for my predictions, well, the Red Sox were easy, a homer's pick. Otherwise, the lesson as usual, I'm a moron.

Hitting the wall

I am worn out. I need a vacation.

What a coincidence. I start one on Saturday!

I'll be in Memphis from Saturday through the next Sunday, with a sidetrip to Houston or St. Louis to see the Sox either Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday, or all three. Good times.

UPDATE: For anyone with CNN Headline News (you know, my network), we'll have Terry Francona on about 8:10 p.m. I'm in a good mood, so I'll refrain from asking why he stunk like last week's veal when the Sox played here in Atlanta this summer.

Ann on the rampage

Sassy conservative commentator Ann Coulter has a particularly spicy column today:

With the election a few weeks away, the two main reasons Kerry has settled on for why you should vote for him are: (1) Dick Cheney has a lesbian daughter, and (2) Halliburton! ...

Coincidentally, the very day of the vice presidential debate, a gun was fired into a Bush-Cheney campaign office in Bearden, Tenn. – one of a series of violent attacks on Republican offices around the country. (You can tell it was Democrats firing those guns because none of the shots ever hit anything.)

Also that day, a group of liberal loonies stormed a Bush-Cheney office in Orlando, Fla., and ransacked the place. A few weeks earlier, a 62-year-old woman in Manhattan was beaten with a cane by an 86-year-old woman for carrying a Bush-Cheney sign.

On the basis of their own insane, violent behavior toward Republicans, Democrats demand to be put in the White House – so the violence will stop. At this rate, it's only a matter of time before the Kerry campaign announces that anti-Bush insurgents control most of the Bush-Cheney 2004 headquarters, and that the sooner the U.S. pulls out of those quagmires the better.

If only we could get Democrats to show a little of that manly anger toward the terrorists, maybe Americans would be able to trust them with national security.

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

Only up six runs in the eighth

I'd rather have reversed the Game 3 debacle and be up 25-2, so with nine outs left to record and Pedro letting the Bleepin' Yanks take batting practice, it's time to get desperate. Time to invoke Field of Dreams:

The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It has been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game: it's a part of our past, Ray. It reminds of us of all that once was good and it could be again. Oh... people will come Ray. People will most definitely come.

And people will root for the Red Sox. Dad and I will drive to Houston or St. Louis and see a game. It will be good. It will be done.

11:35 p.m. UPDATE: Ninth inning, up 9-3. Went to vending machine for Mr. Goodbar. None left. World ending. Wait, still have Twizzlers in bag! Life good again. Can't write long sentences. Must remember to breathe.

FINAL UPDATE, 12:01 a.m.: Party time!!!!!!! Bring on the World Series!

One word describes it best for me: MONUMENTAL.

Media crying wolf could backfire on Nov. 2

From the Media Research Center:

When Bill Clinton ran for re-election in 1996, the unemployment rate was 5.2 percent, inflation was three percent and economic growth was 2.2 percent. Sound good? The economy is just as good, if not better, right now: the unemployment rate is 5.4 percent, inflation is 2.7 percent, and economists' consensus forecast for economic growth this quarter is 3.7 percent.

Yet a new study by Dan Gainor, Director of the MRC's Free Market Project, found that while the national media mainly cheered the Clinton economy in 1996 (85 percent positive), reporters have mostly jeered the Bush economy in 2004 (77 percent negative). Two 2004 stories were judged as neutral.

Oh, that liberal media.

Today is jinx-proof in Red Sox Nation

Last year, the morning of game seven of the ALCS I was on the phone with ticketmaster to get tickets for the World Series games in Florida. I blame this for Boston losing that night to the Bleeping Yankees. Today, no such worries, since the NLCS isn't finished yet. I am still worried, however, that since Dad and I took vacations for next week - before the season began - that we may cause a rift in the time-space continuum of Red Sox hopes. I'm wearing my Varitek jersey to work in the hopes of covering up that potential disaster. Jason will fend off evil forces, I know it!

Just a reminder, though, that we're in unique times and perhaps curse-proof, from Boston Globe sports blogger Eric Wilbur:
These are unprecedented moments in Red Sox history that we’re witnessing. Everything is going Boston’s way in this ALCS against the Yankees, and not against the Olde Towne Team. They’ve already overcome a 3-0 deficit, something no team in baseball history has ever done. There are no records for what a team has done in the seventh game after completing such a historic turnaround because again, IT HAS NEVER BEEN DONE.

We have no control

Okay, so maybe there really is a corporate music conspiracy holding back the quality of radio stations in the United States. At 2:38 p.m. on my way to work, on both 94.1 and 98.5 FM, "Killing Me Softly" was playing. It was the remake, sure, but even then that version is nearly ten years old! Of the six million songs made since, how did that one end up on two separate stations?

Still, I believe!

Okay, so the Red Sox didn't win on my birthday, finishing after midnight, but that's close enough! Thanks, guys!

Wanna know one of the reasons I believe that tonight the Red Sox become the first Major League team to ever win after being in a 3-0 hole? The baseball gods have been waiting to smite the Bleepin' Yankees for how they treated the Devil Rays when Tampa was trapped by Hurricane Frances. George Steinbrenner tried to get the game forfeited in his favor, showing a tremendous amount of arrogance and asshole-ity for someone already known as a bunghole.

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

We're doomed!

Just based on today's news bites from our air, I think I have a pretty good picture of how John Kerry sees today's America:

- No one has a job.
- We're all going to die of the flu, Stand-like
- Your vote won't be counted on Nov. 2
- You will be blocked from voting Nov. 2, either from sinister forces erasing your name from the rolls, or cops blocking roads
- Old people are penniless without Social Security, which won't matter since they're dying from no health coverage
- Mary Cheney is the only lesbian in the country
- A military draft will begin Nov. 3 and forces will be under the direct control of the Saudis
- There is no war on terrorism. Terror is an abstract construct invented by Republicans to scare the bejeebus out of everyone
- Not only is the president against stem cell research, he beats up the disabled so that they can never be cured

In other news, in a move that no doubt is seen as legitimate form of government by liberals, an Ohio Democrat gave out crack cocaine in exchange for completed voter registration forms. Crack is whack, yo, but not when it's the NAACP looking for Democrat voters!

Bring. It. On.

I can't tell you how many people here at work already have asked if I'd rather the Red Sox lose tonight if they're going to lose at all. HOGWASH. I want the series to go seven, then we'll play it out from there. Like the Dread Pirate Roberts would say, "Life is pain! Anyone who tells you differently is selling something." If Boston has to lose, I'll take the heartbreak of seven games over the feebleness of a four-game sweep.

If Princess Bride references are too girly for a Major League playoff rivalry like Red Sox-Bleeping Yankees, then how about Captain Kirk in Star Trek V: "You know that pain and guilt can't be taken away with a wave of a magic wand. They're the things we carry with us, the things that make us who we are. If we lose them, we lose ourselves. I don't want my pain taken away. I need my pain."

29 years of Jeff on the wall ...

Guess who turned 29 years old 25 minutes ago?

What? Who? I don't even know who that is.

I mean me, silly!

Yes, 29 years as of 7:11 a.m. Phoenix time on October 19, I'll be 29. And asleep.

Now, if the people of New York would oblige me a wish, I would ask that they roll over as the Red Sox win game six over the Bleeping Yankees tonight so that Boston might have a shot at the World Series (again). It's a small favor, am I right?

Monday, October 18, 2004

Here we go again

Red Sox trail, 4-2, in the sixth inning. Where did I leave that noose last night?

Perhaps related, or not, if Fox shows Stephen King one more time in the stands, I'm going to go Pennywise on their butts.

We (heart) Saddam

Fun with peaceniks, courtesy Tim Blair. More here.

I'm, like, sort of disenfranchisedmented

A leaked Democrat manual tells Dems to claim voter intimidation
even if it doesn't exist. Real classy.

Sunday, October 17, 2004

Last one out of Fenway turn out the lights

Going into the bottom of the ninth, Boston trails 4-3. Is there a chance the Red Sox could eke out a win, keep going and become the first team in Major League history to come back from an 0-3 deficit to win a best-of-seven series? Hardly. It would take a pill with chocolate coating from Miracle Max, because the Sox have been mostly dead all week.

UPDATE: Red Sox just tied the game in the ninth off Super Reliever Mariano Rivera. Bunch of teases. In the words of the crusty manager in Major League, the only choice is to win the whole frickin' thing.

1:25 a.m. UPDATE: My Red Sox pessimism almost cost me. David Ortiz just won the game with a walk-off two-run jack in the 12th inning, five hours after the game began, and 15 1/2 hours before game five starts today. There's going to be a lot of Red Sox fans (like Dad, for instance), getting to work late and leaving early Monday! Still, we believe!

Hooked on Space worked for me

NASA engineers admitted this week that the Genesis probe may have crashed due to backward drawings. What they didn't mention is that the specs were tough to read anyway since they were written using those thick yellow crayons that are tough to read on white paper.

Anger. Release. Calm.

The latest quotable Vents posted in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution (registration required):

- When they cancel that new TV show about the Los Angeles airport it’ll be called “Ex-LAX.”
- After seeing the wedding photos of Britney and Kevin, I recall what mama said: You can’t buy class.
- You are a pleasant person when you are the only one who knows you’re having a bad day.
- Don’t knock Georgia Tech women! When I was there I dated a coed and she was a 10. She looked like a 4 but she always had a six-pack.
- Bush does have an exit strategy in Iraq – win the war.
- If Kerry can prove it’s possible to debate terrorists to death, I will vote for him.
- You know that life is getting too complicated when your new office chair comes with a 24-page instruction manual.
- Mount St. Helens must be a Democrat. It lies around for years doing nothing, and then, come election time, it blows a lot of hot air.
- There are two types of people, those who finish what they start ...
- If the AJC says the political race is a "dead heat" you can bet Bush is way ahead!
- I asked my longtime girlfriend if she would like her rice steamed or fried ... she replied she would like her rice thrown.
- According to the Body Mass Index chart I'm not overweight, I'm just not tall enough.

Vents I Sent:

- More high rises are being built in Atlanta? This Depression is murder, I tell you.
- It would be nice to hear Democrats talk about winning the war on terror without using the word "but."
- Hey, John Kerry does have a message after all! It is: "Don't you dare make fun of me in time of war! (But badmouthing the president is patriotic dissent.)"

Thursday, October 14, 2004

Nurse, please hand me my sweat rag

I don't know if any of the allegations against Fox News blowhard Bill O'Reilly are truthful, but it sure makes for a great read! Warning: Naughty! (Which makes it a great read, of course)

Double standards, much?

Today's political game is called If Republicans Did This We'd Never Hear The End Of It Until Five People Were Fired Or Dropped From Tall Buildings (I'm working on the title).

First up, we go to my home state of Tennessee, where Democrat Craig Fitzhugh is handing out flyers saying that a vote for Bush makes you retarded.

Second, to last night's debate, where John Kerry continued he and John Edwards' tactic of gay-baiting America over Dick and Lynne Cheney's daughter, Mary, who is a lesbian. Why do you think they brought it up? Not to influence their constituents, who are solidly in the left-wing's camp already. Perhaps they're doing it to rile up the anti-gay "I won't vote for fags" right?

Third, let's rewind to less than a day after hearing of Christopher Reeves' death. Edwards, stumping in Colorado, decided that his presidential hopeful buddy can walk on water: "When John Kerry is president, people like Christopher Reeve are going to walk. Get up out of that wheelchair and walk again." Or, as James Lileks said: "Stem cells will be injected into the bloodstream, where they will act like Star Wars Midichloridans, and help the quadrapalegic to use the Force and stand erect."

Fourth, the media and their pal Democrats are in an uproar over Sinclair Broadcasting's decision to run a documentary on Kerry titled "Stolen Honor," a look at the Senator's controversial post-Vietnam War comments. Do you think that if NBC were to air Fahrenheit 9/11 a week before the election, anyone on the left would point out the McCain-Feingold campaign finance law and object? Chad Clanton, a spokesman for the Kerry campaign appeared on a Fox News program Tuesday and growled, "I think they're going to regret doing this and they better hope we don't win." And we're supposed to fear Ashcroft?

From the world of science

There's going to be a shortage of the flu vaccine, and many are freaking out about possible overcharging. Good thing I have this extra vial of the vaccine handy. Hello, eBay! But obviously I'll save a few drops for friends and family who prove to me they're "flu shot worthy."
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Researchers say that learning multiple languages alters the gray matter to increase brainpower. Why's that news? I've had all kinds of extra empty space floating in my noggin' for years, and I can barely speak English!
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For us fat folks, health gurus say that obesity surgery experience improvements in health problems. In related news, doctors report that people with blocked arteries are more likely to have heart attacks, and astronomers released new findings that the Earth revolves around the Sun.

Meet my son, Wampum Jones

Nominee for Best Name Ever: the person who owns the locker near the one I used today at the gym is named Hiawatha Battle.

Bleeping Yankees.

If you're thinking I haven't blogged on the Red Sox losing the first two ALCS games, you're right.

Damn Yankees. I hate them. I really, really, really (to infinity plus one), hate them.

Over to you, Steve.

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

Clean my pores or evaporate them?

In an act that in no way makes me a metrosexual, after shaving in the shower I use a facial cream cleanser. (That's right. You want to fight about it?)

Today I used something new, called Apricot Scrub. What they don't say is that it's like rubbing sand into your skin. What's next, making people use seawater to wash off the sand? That should feel real nice.

Fox whipped for stupid show

Fox was fined major bucks for hijinks during the "Married in America" show last year. I had to be corrected later, because originally I thought the network was in trouble for bothering to air the show at all, but no, there was some stunt involving whipped cream that caused the uproar. Now I'm interested.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Red Sox down 2-0 in first inning, I'm freaking out

During the six-hour pre-show on Fox, we got ten minutes of rehashing the lore of the two teams and ten minutes pimping new Fall programs. I'm setting the over/under for the series on how many times Fox replays Varitek slapping that bitch A-Rod in July at 45.

UPDATE: No matter what you hear on the news about John Kerry taking tonight off to watch the game, don't believe it. You know he's not a fan when he can make such a disgusting statement like this:

"We’ve been waiting since 1918 for the Boston Red Sox to win the World Series, and . . . if I had a choice between the White House and the World Series this year, I’m going to take the White House. How's that?"

Yes, we can ALL hear you now

On today's edition of "Cell Phone Callers Gone Wild," we accompany Jeff to the Cobb County tag office while our hero gets his $259 sticker. Yes, that's how much the ad velorum tax came to with my new Aztek. Pardon me while I weep, then barf in the bushes.

Anyway, while our (broke) protagonist was in the long-but-not-too-long line, the entire 20 minutes a lady directly in front was on her cell phone. At first it sounded like business, medical stuff. But I noted a shift in tone. She neither lowered her voice - she might as well been running a lawn mower and I still could've heard her - nor did she turn down the volume on her phone, because I heard the other end almost as clearly.

See, her son just started driving, and he got a new Jeep but it broke down - we think it's either the battery or alternator - and we just bought it on Thursday, so we got the previous owner to take a look so I think he came this morning and took it to the dealership. Anyway, she has to get his tags taken care of because we think she filled out the wrong paperwork to transfer the tags, and he'll need the car this weekend because - this is so cute! - he's on his first date this weekend for the Homecoming dance. He better have some maps, too, because if he tries to follow a drunk kid somewhere he might get lost (Jeff note - lady, he is the drunk kid). Oh, and on his pre-SAT we found out he only scored a 1200, but it's not the official SAT so there's a chance he'll get better. After all, she scored a 1300, though he'll need higher to get into Georgia with his HOPE scholarship, too. Oops, gotta go, time to go to the counter.

Feeling old

Happy belated Birthday to Austin Russell! I cannot believe it's been seven whole years. Steve, you and Jenny are truly blessed to have two great young boys, home, family, jobs and each other, of course. If you don't mind, I'll just set you on a pedestal as a model for my future ambitions. No pressure.

Monday, October 11, 2004

Is this considered nuanced dissent?

Apparently dissent is only patriotic to the left-wing loonies when they attack Bush supporters.

No doubt that the Democrat Party would tell us to treat these acts as John Kerry thinks of terrorism, just a nuisance that takes away from normalcy. After all, if you can't stop prostitution and gambling, how can you expect to stop vandalism against various Republican targets?

Friday, October 08, 2004

He used to smoke defensive ends, now ... not

In today's game of Where's Ricky Williams, we see the former football star in Australia at a $7-a-day campsite. Reportedly he lost 20 pounds on a vegetarian diet. I wonder if there's a lot of oregano in that? Maybe it's the all-Cheetos diet.

I can breathe!

As of 8:20 p.m., a gust of wind overwhelmed much of the East Coast. It was the entirety of New England exhaling at the same time. Me, I was working, but saw David Ortiz's series-winning home run off to the side and nearly put the show in black with my cheers. This in stark contrast to the anger and depression that set in when Vlad The Impaler Guerrero tied the game with a grand slam earlier. Boston Red Sox baseball is a wicked disease, but thankfully there's no cure.

What could cure it? More cowbell!

(Please turn in your Jeff's pop-culture reference manual to page 54 for an explanation.)

Wacky Green news of the day

The town of Egg Harbor, Wisconsin, had to alter plans to re-enact the egg battle that led to the naming of the town in 1825. The enviro-weenies said that throwing eggs into the water would harm the ecosystem, so organizers decided to toss plastic eggs instead. Really? Is that a better alternative to the real thing, plastic? Why not some Styrofoam, too? You could club baby seals and use their pelts?

In other environmental news, scientists have noticed that the hole in the ozone layer over the Antarctic appears to be shrinking. Now, normally when one bit of information comes out that can be used to damn civilization and its excesses, the news leads with the WE'RE DOOMED! forecast. When this came out, however, scientists were quick to pounce the other way, that "golly gee whiz, I wouldn't want people to think that things aren't as bad as we keep saying, so we'll tell folks that the hole will be bigger again soon and we can rest at night." They won't be happy until we're living in tepees without electricity. At least leave me a toilet, but I suppose that ruins the river ecosystems, eh? Then I'm wiping my butt with otters and we'll see how the animal-rights activists like that. It's fun to pit the different special interest groups on the Left against one another. Wait until we tell the construction unions they won't be needed anymore since we'll all sleep on the ground.

Running in circles

John Kerry certainly has the Democrat Party penchant for lying about seemingly insignificant things down pat. Nobody would care if he didn’t, but here was Kerry caught again, this time claiming to have run the Boston Marathon (item 7). Of course, he doesn’t remember his time and there’s no record of it, but that’s just that Republican pickiness.

Kerry is very ... French

(via Boortz.)

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

Root, root root for Jeff's teams

Not a bad time to be a sports fan named Jeff lately. While Eric bemoans the crash of the Cubs and the slouch of the Titans, and Brent thinks about next (bleep) for the Cubs once again, I couldn't be happier. The Red Sox won game one of the ALDS over Anaheim, the Bleeping Yanks lost, the Braves start here in Atlanta today, and the Falcons are 4-0. I've got room to spare, so feel free to jump on my bandwagons!

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

No-bel for me

A trio of Americans won the Nobel Prize in Physics today for their theory of everything.

I'm pretty sure I was a close second for my "Theory of Something or Another."

Show some respect

Comedian Rodney Dangerfield died today at the age of 82. In his honor, pop in Caddyshack and Back to School, two of his classics.

How about some of my favorite quotes of his:

"Hey, doll. Could you scare up another round for our table over here? And tell the cook this is low grade dogfood. I've had better food at the ballgame, you know? This steak still has marks from where the jockey was hitting it." - Caddyshack

"Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity." - Caddyshack

"Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it." - Caddyshack

"Bring us a pitcher of beer every seven minutes until somebody passes out. And then bring one every ten minutes." - Back to School

"Are you fat? When you go jogging, do you leave potholes? When you make love, do you have to give directions? At the zoo, do the elephants throw you peanuts? Do you look at a menu and say 'OK!'?" - Back to School

"A girl doesn't give the opposing team the finger. A girl doesn't call the referee a blind bastard. A girl doesn't slap another girl on the ass and say, 'You're hot stuff!' And a girl doesn't say 'I gotta take a leak so bad I can taste it!'" - Ladybugs

"Remember folks, every man has his tale of woe. Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tale." - Meet Wally Sparks

Racing to stupidity

NASCAR docked Dale Earnhardt Jr., 25 points from the driver's standings for swearing (sh*t) in a live post-race interview.

In other news, Major League Baseball took away three runs from St. Louis' win this afternoon because Scott Rolen was seen on second base adjusting himself.

This is why I don't gamble

It's time to be held accountable for my 2004 MLB predictions. Here's what I said would happen on April 6:

AL East: Red Sox
AL Central: Minnesota
AL West: Oakland
Wild Card: NY Yankees
NL East: Philadelphia
NL Central: Houston
NL West: San Francisco
Wild Card: Chicago
World Series: Red Sox over Houston!

Ouch. My World Series prediction is still possible, but I only called ONE division winner, Minnesota. Also, Oakland, Philly, San Francisco and Chicago all missed the postseason. I neglected the No. 1 rule in the NL East in my own hometown: Never bet against the Braves until they don't win it.

Stupid Sneaker

Any employee of the CIA who gets caught shoplifting should never be in charge of national security. I expect my spooks to be able to get away with such things.

Monday, October 04, 2004

Wait, this isn't Fluffy!

On my way out of Memphis this morning on Lamar Avenue, there was a business in a building advertising Authentic Taxidermy." As opposed to what? Is there an underground shadow group offering fake stuffing of pets? Will they refuse to mount a fish that leapt into your boat rather than you catching it fair and square with a rod and reel?

Friday, October 01, 2004

Sure, we're the good guys, BUT...

It would be nice to hear Democrats talk about winning the war on terror without using the word "but" all the time.

Speaking of blowing off some steam

The latest quotable Vents posted in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution (registration required):

- Hallelujah! For the first time in five years I’m not hearing, “but at least we need the rain.”
- Naming a hurricane Ivan is simply asking for trouble.
- George Lucas, here’s a scene I’d like to see inserted into the original Star Wars: you being crushed in the garbage bins of the Death Star.
- Jimmy Carter has done more for the Republican Party than Zell could ever hope to do.
- Ivan has converted a lot of tree huggers. They are now standing in line to buy plywood.
- Why are my brain cells dying as I get older and my fat cells continue to thrive and multiply?
- Politicians are like diapers; they should be changed often . . . for the same reasons.
- What's the frequency, Dan?
- Guess we know what the "BS" in "CBS" means.
- I work for "60 Minutes." Does anyone have a bridge I can buy?
- What really makes me mad is that I can't put it into words.
- A classified ad in the "For Sale" section of our local newspaper reads, "Home Computer. Like New. Never figured out.”
- How appropriate that liberal radio in Atlanta lands on a weak and ineffective signal.
- Which countries have offered us disaster relief?
- As I mature I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they give in.
- When you choke a Smurf, what color do they turn?
- I laughed so hard reading the Vent's warning against using the Yellow Pages "while operating a moving vehicle" that I nearly drove off the road.
- After observing all the commercials for Levitra, Cialis and Viagra during tournament telecasts, I must assume that golf causes erectile dysfunction.
- My wife's credit card was recently stolen, but I have decided not to report it yet. So far, the thief is spending less than my wife did.

Vents I Sent:

- Coupons are not for single people. Is it worth buying four boxes of cereal and two packs of double-roll toilet paper, neither of which I'll finish for six months, to save a buck?
- Democrats are shameless to think that Americans really want to go back to the anger, anti-American despair and societal divisions of 1968 just to get Kerry elected.
- Funny that the Kerry campaign is complaining about a lack of seriousness right after their man has done interviews with Jon Stewart, David Letterman, Dr. Phil and Regis.

Conservative funny

From the Great Email Department:

Dear Abby,

I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas who has recently been
diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth and
one of my sisters, who lives in Pflugerville, is married to a

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and
selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two
sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas. I have two brothers, one is
currently serving a non-parole life sentence at Huntsville for the murder of
a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting
charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives
in Longview. She is a part time "working girl." All things
considered, my problem is this. I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing
her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest
with her.

Should I tell her about my cousin who supports John Kerry for

Worried About My Reputation

Look out! She's gonna blow!

The best video of the day is from Washington and Mount St. Helens. The volcano isn't erupting like 20+ years ago, but spewing some smoke and steam like little belches instead of a full-scale burp.

During the hurricanes, we'd see dozens of reporters standing in the way of the storm no matter how bad the rain and winds got. These weaklings, though, are a dozen miles away from Mount St. Helens. If you really want to impress me, stand in the crater and report from the scene!